Sunday, 1 September 2013

Borough hails appointment of 'rigorous' Deputy Eye

Residents were clinking their glasses last night following the appointment of a much-loved veteran social commentator as DeputyWandsworthEye. Hubert Montague-Postlethwaite - who tweets as @Wandsworth3 - was chosen from a field of thousands of eager candidates. In his acceptance tweet, he wrote: "I am humbled, honoured and somewhat in awe at the responsibilities that await me." 

The profile page of much-loved Montague-Postlethwaite

WandsworthEye HQ issued the following statement last night: "The appointment of a Deputy Eye has become a matter of the most pressing urgency. In recent months the Eye has been compelled to attend an endless series of dreary apostrophe congresses in locations including Madeira, the Canary Islands, Spain, Portugal, the Czech Republic and Germany. Ever mindful of the need to remain vigilant at home, and to act trenchantly in the face of the depredations and machinations of tramps, vagabonds and Liberal Democrats, the Eye hereby appoints trusted follower @Wandsworth3 as Deputy Eye, with full authority to use the Eye brand in the battle for law, order, decency and above all family values. Let us now step up the fight against tracksuit-wearing and chicken nuggetry in SW18!"

The Eye's wise move was widely applauded in the borough last night. The Reverend Benny Savile of the Anti-Lust Alliance said: "I welcome this timely appointment. DeputyWandsworthEye has a proven track-record of speaking out against perversion. Our neighbourhood will be much the safer for his rigorous vigilance."

Frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton agreed. "It's just like in the war," she recalled, "when Lloyd George was Prime Minister and Mr Gladstone was his deputy. Oh I do hope the new Deputy Eye will help bring down the price of cat food and custard creams - especially in Sainsbury's on Garratt Lane, where you can never find anything anymore and the prices are always 20p more than it said on the shelves..."

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