Monday, 11 November 2013

Borough 'will starve to death when Sainsbury's closes'

Charities, church and local government organisations were hurriedly preparing contingency plans last night as fears rose of widespread famine throughout SW18 when notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's closes its doors on November 19.

The callous store, whose endless refit has already driven many of WandsworthEye's followers to the brink of despair, will be shut for over a week during the key pre-festive shopping period, forcing respectable citizens to dice with death at Poundland and other nearby retail outlets. 

Notorious store announces callous closure

"I don't know what I'm going to do," wept frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton. "Where'm I gonna get me cat food and me custard creams?"

Her friend Doris Elzheimer recalled: "It'll be just like when Frobisher's grocery stores had to close when a bomb dropped on it in World War Two. I remember it like it were yesterday. It were just after Mr Gladstone came to open the new branch of Asda down Clapham Junction way..."

As public health bodies scrambled to deal with the expected borough-wide famine, there were calls for WandsworthEye to provide an emergency soup kitchen featuring its much-loved Liver Dumpling Broth. A spokesman at Eye HQ said this option would indeed be considered - though there was concern that the kindly service might be abused by local tramps and vagabonds.

With the clock ticking down to the fateful day of November 19, panic-stricken customers stripped the shelves of Garratt Lane Sainsbury's even barer than they usually are. Choice morsels including tins of Sainsbury's own brand chicken curry were proving especially popular as the borough hunkered down for the cold, harsh winter.

Some of the lavish products for sale at plush Garratt Lane Sainsbury's

"Oh WandsworthEye, what shall we do?" cried glamorous socialite Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest as she spent her last pennies on some of the tempting fare on display. "If only the Liberal Democrats hadn't been let into government, things would all be so much better. Let us heed the wise words of WandsworthEye and ignore the siren voices Clegg and Cable!" 

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