Anger over plethora of 'manky' shops

Wandsworth shopowners were shamefaced last night after a major probe exposed a litany of failings in the borough's once thriving retail sector. An exclusive investigation by undercover reporters, commissioned by doughty consumer champion WandsworthEye, identified a host of poor retail practices in outlets along the High Street. These included unattractive window displays, surly and uncommunicative staff, and highly opaque pricing regimes. 'I used to love coming out to do my shopping,' explained pensioner Mabel F. 'But things have definitely gone downhill since the Liberal Democrats got into power. It's just disgusting what some of the shops look like now.'

 

Filming under conditions of great secrecy, WandsworthEye's squad of roving reporters came across endless examples of shops whose proprietors had evidently given no thought whatsover to aesthetic considerations as they laid out their wares.

 

Shop windows strewn with rubble and detritus, half-empty and disorganised shelves on which cat food and bathroom tissue jostled for attention next to unsightly cardboard boxes - these were the heartbreaking scenes witnessed on once-booming Wandsworth High Street earlier this week.

'It's all the fault of the Liberal Democrats,' agreed one passer-by. 'Before they got in, the High Street was a veritable shoppers' paradise, with one alluring retail emporium after the other. But now look at it. I mean, for goodness' sake, who buys pink loo roll nowadays?'

Charity shops were also slammed for their failure to offer attractive shopping opportunities in Wandsworth. Time and again our battalion of fearless investigators came across sad displays of overpriced ornamental items with only limited appeal to the sophisticated metropolitan denizens of SW18.

There was also much evidence of the sale of extraneous products in key Wandsworth retail outlets. Trembling as she pointed to one well-known store on the corner of the High Street and Broomhill Road, housewife Valerie B. raged: 'Lamb and cow feet indeed! We'll have none of that medieval fare in these parts, thank you very much.'

 



Meanwhile, leading national retail giant Tesco came under fire from shoppers for putting ready meals of questionable nutritional value on display. 'Just look at that yucky discoloured bacon,' said Colonel M. of Tunbridge Wells, currently holidaying in the borough. 'Anyone foolish enough to consume that would undoubtedly suffer the severest rectal repercussions.'

 

WandsworthEye is of course not suggesting for one moment that the items featured in this report are in any way putrid, substandard or of uncertain provenance. Undoubtedly they are both fragrant and utterly pristine in all respects. However, as a celebrated champion of consumer interests in SW18, the Eye pleads with all local retailers to look anew at their products and services, and to do their bit for restoring pride to Wandsworth. Come on shopowners! Get off your mobile phones! Greet your cherished customers with a cheery smile and a cordial word of welcome, and give your tired stores a vigorous sweep and a much-needed lick of paint!

 

 



EMERGENCY STATEMENT

Dear Readers.

On Sunday August 12th a bogus edition of Wandsworth Eye appeared in the public domain, needlessly confusing its phalanx of devoted readers and sowing seeds of doubt among the social media community of SW18.

The frivolous nature of the material and its rampantly left-liberal views were utterly at variance with WandsworthEye's consistent championing of family values, and in no way reflected WandsworthEye's central message of order, srutiny and fiscal probity.

All articles appearing under the SundayWandsworthEye banner should henceforth be treated as damaging excrescences and reported to the authorities without further ado. Let us all now be vigilant, lest the supporters of tramps and vagabonds go on the rampage once again!

The Editorial Board

WandsworthEye

Chapel Yard

London SW18             

A new dawn breaks with Sunday WandsworthEye!

Good morning Wandsworth! It is Sunday, the sun is shining, the borough's cherished tramps and vagabonds are still sweetly snoring in their gentle dells of quiet repose, Costa Coffee has unfurled its much-loved sunshades, and a new dawn is breaking over SW18 with the first bumper edition of SundayWandsworthEye!

WandsworthEye has always viewed itself as a cutting-edge local news resource, chock-full of stentorian comment and trenchant analysis. However, in recent days readers have been pleading for the Eye to introduce 'Sunday supplement'-style leisure features to further enhance its already lavish offering. "Good honest family fun, that's what we need," explained Reginald W. of the Anti-Lust Alliance. "No smutty material, mind."

WandsworthEye has no intention of introducing frivolous downmarket features such as dreary crosswords, tawdry Sudoku puzzles or vulgar agony-aunt columns that appeal only to the meek and feeble-minded. But today the Eye launches its more mellifluous Sunday cousin into the social media orbit - and as times are hard, here is our top tip to...

SAVE £2.30 ON BUS FARES TO CENTRAL LONDON!!!

Dear treasured readers, walking is the way forward in these times of austerity! And despite the undoubted attractions of the heroic 87 bus to Aldwych - whose many advantages WandsworthEye has already documented - a sunny day such as today offers an ideal opportunity to save the £2.30 fare into town (or £1.35 with an Oyster card).

Give the money to tramps' and vagabonds' charities instead! And now let me take you by the hand and guide you carefully along Wandsworth High Street with its thundering traffic; past the Town Hall whose officials work tirelessly to spare us the high council tax rates of less prudent boroughs; left into Fairfield Street; right onto Old York Road; round the roundabout; and onto Wandsworth Bridge - beneath which you will find a delightfully clear and graffiti-free map of the Thames Path.

This is your direct route into town - clean, well-maintained, dotted with the occasional pub, cafe or hostelry - and above all, far from the noise and the ceaseless traffic of throbbing inner London. Off you go!!!

The Thames Path at Battersea Reach

Blue skies, puffy puffy clouds...



River Quarter Kitchen

Molasses House

Battersea

An ideal spot for a beverage or two

http://www.riverquarterkitchen.com/



SundayWandsworthEye wishes its phalanx of devoted readers in Britain, the US, Russia, France and Germany a warm and sultry Sunday afternoon. WandsworthEye will return with its usual damning analysis of pressing local issues on Wednesday 29th August. In the meantime: Please contribute generously to all tramps' and vagabonds' charities!



Brainwashing cult 'on the rampage' in Wandsworth

Residents cowered in fear last night after a sinister flag was hoisted high above one of central Wandsworth's most prestigious streets. Families on Wandsworth Plain - world-famous as the westerly terminus of the much-loved 87 bus - were at a loss to explain the meaning of the flag, which now flutters menacingly over the street's elegant Georgian facades alongside a Union Jack.

"Is it something to do with the Teletubbies?" asked one passer-by, drawing attention to the child-like cartoon character depicted in a blue circle on a sinister white background. Another thought it might be the emblem of a new political party, particularly one with far-right policies. "How ghastly," said one resident. "The LibDems are bad enough - but now this!" 

Another theory gaining credence last night was that the flag heralded the arrival in Wandsworth of a sinister brainwashing cult. Tracey B, part-time checkout assistant at Poundstretcher, thought this was extremely likely. "Oh yes," she said, "it's very cunning how they've disguised the true purpose of the building by giving the lady on the flag such a cheeky wink. I think you'll find that increasingly these demonic cults are resorting to highly sophisticated marketing strategies to lure unsuspecting folk in through their rapacious doors."  

However other leading figures in the neighbourhood disagreed. "The coquettish demeanour of the unsavoury character depicted on the flag leads me to suspect that all this presages the arrival in the borough of sultry purveyors of pornographic filth," said Reginald W, a stalwart of the Wandsworth branch of the Anti-Lust Alliance.

WandsworthEye will continue to monitor the situation from its HQ overlooking the Plain, and welcomes any suggestions from readers who may have their own theories regarding this menacing new development.

Storm over tramps and vagabonds

WandsworthEye was at the centre of a furious row last night after a Twitter follower slammed its much-loved Tramps' and Vagabonds' Monitoring Service and branded the Eye's attitude "pathetic".

Soon after launching its Twitter feed earlier this year, WandsworthEye began providing its phalanx of devoted followers with regular updates on the activities of tramps and vagabonds in the borough. The initiative - part of the Eye's unstinting efforts to offer a comprehensive news service to local residents - has been focusing primarily on events at the tramps' and vagabonds' benches outside All Saints Church on Wandsworth High Street.

Spattered with mysterious white paint (or some other substance), the benches provide a welcome place of repose for central Wandsworth's T&V population. Come a sunny day, all manner of tramps and vagabonds can be seen holding picnic lunches and the like - and discussing the most pressing issues of the day over a cool can of cider purchased from a nearby retail outlet.   

It goes without saying that WandsworthEye has always maintained a keen sense of objectivity when reporting on T&V activity, and in no way does it condemn their full participation in society. Where concerns have been raised (for example over occasional littering and the mysterious white paint spatterings), WandsworthEye has endeavoured to do so with kindness and generosity of spirit.

   

However one Twitter follower lambasted the Eye's popular T&V service, storming: "I follow you because I enjoy your tweets but your attitude towards the people you label T&V is pathetic." He added: "Why don't you try talking to them. You might just learn something useful."

Last night local residents rallied round WandsworthEye, pleading for the cherished T&V monitoring service to continue. Housewife Brenda A. commented: "I love the Tramps' and Vagabonds' news alerts, and look forward to them all day! My life is rather dull really, what with being stuck at home and having to watch endless daytime telly. But the T&V service brightens up everything. It  is undoubtedly an integral part of WandsworthEye's multi-faceted profferings, and if anything I believe it should be expanded. It very much fits in with the rollout of community empowerment initiatives so boldly championed by the Prime Minister." 

As support came flooding in from across the political spectrum, a source close to the Liberal Democrats' deputy spokesman on tramps' and vagabonds' issues said: "I completely agree with WandsworthEye. We LibDems have long demanded more stringent monitoring of the tramps and vagabonds, and in no way is this a reprehensible activity."

Fury over sealed postbox

Fury erupted in central Wandsworth last night as residents were left unable to post crucial mail items following the arbitrary sealing of a vital Royal Mail postbox.

The red letter box on the junction of Wandsworth High Street and Broomhill Road was declared out of bounds to local residents on July 23 and will not be restored to service until August 12.

"This is yet another example of callous coalition cutbacks," complained one angry passer-by. "First they cut key national infrastructure projects without a moment's consideration of the impact on the macro-economic environment. Then they took the axe to weeping children's cherished play centres. And now they've closed the much-loved postbox on Broomhill Road. It's just slash, slash, slash all day long with this lot. I knew no good would ever come of letting the Liberal Democrats into government. They are just plain evil - out to get ordinary folk like you and me. Mind you, there always seems to be plenty of money to spend on asylum seekers. AND single mothers."

Campaigners for the elderly also voiced fears that the postbox closure would put the lives of frail pensioners at risk. "Senior citizens will see this as the final straw," warned one leading charity figure. "A trip to the postbox used to be the social highlight of the week for many old folk. Now all they have left to look forward to is pushing their mock-Tartan trolleys round Aldi in search of cut-price cat food and custard creams." 

WandsworthEye can also reveal that Royal Mail and the Liberal Democrats are cynically using the London Olympics as an excuse to mask their vindictive cost-cutting programme. A notice on the abandoned postbox blames "local transport changes during the Games period" for the wicked decision to bar residents from posting their law-abiding letters.

"This is just typical of Royal Mail and the Liberal Democrats," said one influential figure in Wandsworth's Postbox Appreciation Society. "The Broomhill Road closure has nothing whatsoever to do with the Olympics. The LibDems just hate postboxes and will do anything in their power to destroy them. I would urge all concerned residents to write to their MP and demand the immediate restoration of a much-loved local facility. Long live the Broomhill Road postbox!"

There is speculation that a candle-lit vigil will be held around the postbox in the nights to come. And campaigners are hopeful that leading national figures including Polly Toynbee, Shami Chakrabarti and Kate & Gerry McCann will attend.

  

Wandsworth says no to junk-food terror

Residents of central Wandsworth were in a state of alarm and distress last night after receiving sinister details of an application by much-feared Dallas Chicken & Ribs to extend its already interminable opening hours.

Under the envisaged arrangements, Dallas - shameless purveyor of salty stink-fodder to the benighted urban underclass - would keep its rapacious doors open until 2am on weekdays and 4am at weekends.

WandsworthEye calls on all local residents of sound disposition and with educated and cultivated palates to oppose this abominable plan. Any extension of the Dallas empire would not only threaten the health and waistlines of the borough's fit and slender denizens - it would represent a shameless capitulation to the forces of disorder and rampant yobbery.

Incalculable numbers of surly behooded youths will gather nightly along the High Street, eagerly awaiting their next "fix" of artery-clogging chicken nuggetry, if Dallas gets its dastardly way.

Let Wandsworth Council's licence adjudicators know that Wandsworth stands united - and that Wandsworth says no to the stampeding junk-food terror!

WandsworthEye goes blogging

Good afternoon Wandsworth!

After tweeting relentlessly for half a year, WandsworthEye is now making the bold and breathtaking leap from micro- to macroblogging. In the year of the Olympiad, the Southfields by-election AND the shameless opening of a Dallas Chicken & Ribs on Wandsworth High Street, there was simply insufficient space on Twitter to address the myriad of pressing concerns facing the borough.

WandsworthEye has never been one to pontificate, as its many devoted followers will doubtlessly agree. However at this early juncture in the proceedings it might be a valuable exercise to outline some of the key issues facing SW18 and environs.

Top of the list is the profusion of junk food outlets scattered along the High Street in contravention of even minimum standards of human dignity. Stinky, manky chicken shops and their nauseating pong-fare do nothing to enhance the borough's retail environment, and only encourage the festering of behooded yobbery.

Of almost equal concern is the ongoing apostrophe crisis which has now spread beyond central Wandsworth to outlying districts including East and West Putney. With basic spelling skills also dwindling by the hour - one thinks in particular of the "Babie's wear" shop on the Upper Richmond Road - it may be time for the government's Cobra emergency committee to intervene.

One could go on, but WandsworthEye has always eschewed needless and extraneous commentary. For the moment it will suffice to allude only briefly to some of the other issues facing our treasured neighbourhood: the disappearance of Costa's fourth sunshade; the persistent littering around the tramps' and vagabonds' benches; selfish mothers walking five abreast with vast cumbersome pushchairs; and the needlessly opaque pricing policies of Garratt Lane Sainsbury's.

To these and other matters of local, regional and national import WandsworthEye will return on a regular basis in the weeks, months and years to come.