WANDSWORTH TEETERS ON BRINK OF NUCLEAR CALAMITY

Families flee to shelters after Kim Jong Un's menacing statement

Hated North Korean LibDem dictator Kim Jong Un

Wandsworth was trembling last night after hated North Korean leader Kim Jong Un revealed that the southwest London borough would not be spared the nuclear holocaust he is preparing for vast swathes of the western world.

In a statement issued in Pyongyang on Easter Saturday, the vicious LibDem dictator warned: "I have ordered the heroic Armed Forces of the Korean Liberal Democratic Republic to swing into action against the imperialist conservatives who have controlled Wandsworth council for the past three decades. Their wicked pro-American machinations will now receive just punishment, you mark my words."

As Wandsworth's residents fled to their nuclear bunkers, the National Opera Studio in Chapel Yard called for calm and confirmed that this Tuesday's lunchtime recital would go ahead as planned. However Tops Pizzas on the High Street announced it would be closing early each night as a precautionary measure.

Transport for London said buses heading out of town, such as the 37 to Putney Heath, were far busier than usual as local residents sought sanctuary away from built-up areas. In a further development, key services such as the much-loved 87 to Aldwych are being rerouted to avoid critical infrastructure such as Southside shopping centre. "If necessary they will have to go via Tooting High Road for the duration of the conflict," a spokesman explained. "I doubt whether Tooting figures highly on the North Koreans' list of missile targets."

Wandsworth residents who cannot flee the borough or move to a safer area are being advised to seek shelter in bunkers such as the one depicted below at Eye HQ in Chapel Yard:

The well-appointed nuclear bunker at Eye HQ

"Ensure you are well-stocked with emergency provisions," advised Colonel Bertram Crudd, chairman of the South-West London Civil Contingencies Committee. "A couple of tins of nutritious baked beans, some canned tuna and sardines perhaps, and not forgetting bathroom tissue of course. The Protect And Survive booklet will explain exactly what to do in the aftermath of the nuclear attack, so there really is absolutely no need to worry."

"Ooh it's just like the war," commented frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton as she stripped the supermarket shelves bare of cat food and custard creams. "Never mind, eh. We'll all rally round. It'll be the Blitz spirit all over again."

In a further escalation of the international crisis, North Korean state television was last night showing a simulated missile attack on Wandsworth town hall, only narrowly missing the much-loved Eye HQ in Chapel Yard.

"It's so typical of the LibDems," said glamorous socialite Octavia Belle-Wether. "Clegg, Cable, Kim Jong Un, they're all just out to get ordinary people like you and me. If only Ukip were in charge of North Korea, things would be so much more civilised..."