Wandsworth in mourning as Dear Leader passes away

Public clamour for statue of beloved Thatcher

The Dear Leader, scourge of the Liberal Democrats

WandsworthEye today led tear-filled public tributes to Baroness Thatcher, whose wise and benign rule brought years of plenty to the borough. In a statement issued by Eye HQ, the much-loved community news service said: 'Today, as tramps and vagabonds roam the streets and Liberal Democrats winkle their cunning way into government, the days of the Dear Leader's munificent and bountiful administration seem like a long-lost golden age of national harmony. WandsworthEye calls on the Town Hall to follow the lead of key public buildings across the country and fly the Union Jack at half mast.'

Amid uncontrollable weeping on the streets of Wandsworth, patriotic citizens queued up outside Eye HQ on Chapel Yard to sign a special Book of Condolence. First in the queue was frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer, who reminisced: 'I remember how she kept the borough together during the dark days of the war. "We shall fight them on the common, we shall fight them on the banks of the Wandle and at Battersea heliport. We shall fight with increasing strength around the Winstanley Estate and on Northcote Road. We shall never surrender." Oh I remember her speech like it was yesterday...'

Glamorous socialite Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest was also waiting patiently in the queue to write loving words of appreciation for the Dear Leader's many good deeds. 'If only we could return to the days when Maggie ruled and order prevailed,' she said, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. 'You never used to get chavvy people in tracksuits eating chicken nuggets on buses while playing tinny rap music on their mobiles when she was Prime Minister.'

Work on a Thatcher statue at the Town Hall will start 'imminently'

Meanwhile, a source close to Wandsworth Town Hall confirmed that building work would soon commence to erect a giant statue of Baroness Thatcher in the building's attractive gardens. 'The idea is for it to tower over the entire borough, dwarfing even the ugly high-rise flats at Southside,' explained one well-informed insider. 'But don't worry, we won't raise council tax to pay for it - we'll just put up manky people's rents.'