Tramps and vagabonds 'devastating rare butterflies'

Families fled in terror last night as Wandsworth's greedy tramps and vagabonds colonized the banks of the River Wandle, taking over a much-loved children's play area and threatening the future of a treasured wildlife habitat in the very centre of the borough.

 

Regular readers of WandsworthEye have long been acquainted with the itinerant practices of local T&V elements. The situation had appeared to be largely under control, with T&V activity chiefly confined to the two benches provided by kindly pastoral welfare authorities at All Saints Church. 

 

However, not content with these already lavish facilities, the borough's tramps and vagabonds have now moved the focus of their layabout activities to the tree-lined banks of the Wandle, where they have been spotted eating vast sandwiches and consuming drinks of fearsome potency.

 

 

Last night ordinary Wandsworth residents told of their anger at the wicked machinations of the borough's T&V population. 'It's heartbreaking,' said Chardonnay C. 'I used to come here every morning after the Jeremy Kyle Show with my darling children Shannon, Kyle and Kimberley. How they used to frolic in the verdant greenery. But now no longer. We shall have to go to manky Wandsworth Common instead. I fear there is no room for honest hardworking folk like us on the banks of the Wandle, now that the tramps and vagabonds have taken over.'

 

Other residents blamed the Liberal Democrats and drew attention to a little-known provision in the much-hated Coalition Agreement, according to which the governing parties "shall commit themselves to extending T&V access to areas of outstanding natural beauty such as the banks of the River Wandle in south-west London". 

 

However there were fears that the untrammelled activites of the tramps and vagabonds could have a devastating impact on local wildlife. 'There are bound to be loads of rare butterflies dwelling in the area,' commented Zelda E. of the Wandsworth Butterfly Alliance. 'I dread to think what the future holds for them now that T&V activity has spread to the banks of the Wandle.'

 

Veteran pro-T&V campaigner Dave K. last night challenged WandsworthEye and its phalanx of devoted allies to contribute large sums of money to T&V charities each time they alluded to T&Vs in public discourse. 'Prove you care!' he raged.

 

But a source close to the WandsworthEye editorial board stressed again the positive contribution that T&V elements could make to society - provided they did not devastate the borough's fragile rare butterfly population.