Fat people 'omnipresent' in Wandsworth

Wandsworth's health service, already struggling to deal with a feared outbreak of medieval pigeon plague, was groaning at the seams last night as vast numbers of fat people were reported throughout the borough.




Fat person at Clapham Junction station

 

Wandsworth was previously known around the world as a suave, sophisticated district of south-west London in which svelte and chic middle-class mothers donned Alice bands as they shopped for healthy organic produce along bustling Northcote Road. Only the tramps and vagabonds showed signs of obesity - and this was due largely to well-meaning folk who lavished them with fatty gifts as they lolled around lazily on their special bench outside All Saints Church. "Oh," said local mum Cressida Parker-Bicyclette, "you never used to see fat people around in Wandsworth. There was so much space on the pavements! Those were the days!"





Is that snack really necessary?
 

However the recent explosion in the number of fast food outlets (see WandsworthEye's report of 02/08/2012) has caused a huge upsurge in rates of obesity, and local public health officials say they are "speechless" with shock at the extent of the borough's bulging waistlines. Last night reports were coming in of ambulance services on 24-hour standby as fat people tumbled over in the streets, unable to carry their greedy bags of shopping. "Mark my words," said one leading NHS figure, "this is a crisis potentially even worse than the medieval pigeon plague at the National Opera Studio".  


Experts were last night blaming the Liberal Democrats for the unprecedented downturn in the borough's health fortunes. "The minute they signed the coalition agreement, kebab shops were springing up everywhere on Wandsworth High Street," said leading nutritionist Octavia Belle-Wether. "If only people had listened to the prescient warnings of much-loved WandsworthEye, which has campaigned so vigorously on the subject." Weeping into her glass of diet mineral water, she wailed: "This area's gone so downhill. It'll be bingo halls and men walking around in football shirts next."

 

 

Costa in crisis over 'manky' customers

There were claims last night that Costa was in crisis, as complaints came flooding in about the vulgar and unhygienic habits of customers at its Wandsworth Southside branch.

 

The much-loved coffee emporium, whose fortunes WandsworthEye has eagerly followed since its inception, occupies a prime retail site at the very heart of the borough. On a sunny day, the glitterati of SW18 can sometimes be seen whiling away a pleasant hour under the unfurled sunshades.

 

For those who dwell in the locality, Costa's arrival presaged the start of an exciting new era for Wandsworth - one in which suave Mediterranean ways would hold sway over southwest London. 'I can remember when Costa would unfurl four parasols every morning,' recalled pensioner Doris Elzheimer with moist eyes. 'Oh, those were heady days... But now you're lucky to even get three. Things have definitely got worse since the Liberal Democrats came to power.' 

 

And concern was mounting last night that the elegant ambience of Costa Southside was coming under increasing threat from its popularity among the lower socio-economic classes - not all of whom know how to behave with decorum in a public place.

 

There were reports of extensive littering by yobbish elements, of single mothers chainsmoking in tracksuits and dropping their detritus on the ground, and even of working-class children smearing bogeys on the undersides of tables when nobody was looking. 'I just despair of these people,' said local resident Desiree Saltpetre. 'They have all these wonderful little chicken nugget-type places to go to and spend their benefit money, so why do they have to spoil coffee houses for busy professionals like me?'

 

Fears were also rising last night that the borough's tramps and vagabonds had Costa Southside in their sights. 'Thanks to WandsworthEye's trenchant reporting, we all know the devastation the tramps and vagabonds have been wreaking on the butterflies by the Wandle,' said regular customer Wilhelmina Plentibott. 'Surely it's only a matter of time before they find out about Costa Coffee's lavish facilities and try to winkle their way in without paying. It would just be typical of the tramps and vagabonds to sit dozing at tables, taking up much-needed space. It's all the fault of the Liberal Democrats.'

As WandsworthEye went to press last night, middle-class mothers were already fleeing Costa Southside, saying they could no longer tolerate the swirling sea of fag butts and the crude language of the lesser customers. 'If Costa would bring back the fourth sunshade, then all would be forgiven,' said Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest as she headed speedily for the Old York Road. 'But for now I fear I shall have to imbibe my beverages elsewhere. Good day to you.'  

 

 

Apostrophe criminals on the rampage in Wandsworth

Fears were rising last night that a generation of Wandsworth schoolchildren would grow up in a state of barbaric ignorance as mounting evidence emerged of wanton apostrophe crime throughout the borough.

 

Following an appeal on Twitter to its phalanx of devoted followers, WandsworthEye was veritably deluged with complaints about missing or extraneous apostrophes on shop signs across vast swathes of SW15, 17 and 18. Even premises under the tutelage of apparently educated middle-class people have been found wanting in their adherence to basic rules of English grammar. 'I can't believe these are mere slips of the pen,' said Bertram Crudd of Wandsworth Council's Apostrophe Inspectorate. 'This is deliberate, organised apostrophe crime on a massive scale.'

 

The Huguenot Rendezvous, prominently located on a key Wandsworth thoroughfare, was criticised by countless readers who contrasted its stylish interior and delicious products with the wilful abandon of its rampant apostrophe abuse.

'How shameful to display this in a public place,' commented housewife Kelly Twigg. 'Buses go past there all the time, and who knows how many passengers from other parts of London will now look down on Wandsworth as a result of this dreadful contempt for English grammar. Ugh.'

 

Also slammed was the Carers' Centre on Wandsworth High Street, where public information boards are sprinkled with apostrophes like hundreds and thousands on a fairy cake. Standing outside the much-loved community facility, leading educational psychologist Stacey Poles warned: 'If current apostrophe trends continue, by 2014 the average Wandsworth schoolchild will be reduced to the level of a primitive grunting animal, capable only of sending very simple text messages and posting status updates on Facebook.'

'I hesitate to say this because of the strict need for political impartiality, but it's all the fault of the Liberal Democrats,' Poles explained. 'How cunning they were, falsely promising to deal with the burgeoning apostrophe crisis before the last general election! But the minute they got their sticky little sandal-wearing fingers on power, that all went RIGHT out of the window. Oh yes. It's all come home to roost.'

 

But the strongest condemnation of all was reserved for a shop selling infants' clothing on the Upper Richmond Road. Passers by were speechless as they drew WandsworthEye's attention to this shocking and unparalleled example of apostrophe abuse.  

Clutching her weak heart and trembling with rage, frail pensioner Mabel Tweedy stormed: 'This is just beyond belief. And in front of children's eyes too! How could they do this to innocent apostrophes?'

 

There were signs last night that the government was preparing to intervene. A source close to Home Secretary Theresa May told WandsworthEye: 'Of course cutting the national deficit must take precedence - but once we've dealt with that, the coalition will make a massive crackdown on apostrophe crime a key priority. This is a bread-and-butter issue affecting the whole of south-west London, and ever-popular WandsworthEye is to be congratulated for campaigning on the subject with such vigour. If only all other news providers were as trenchant in their reportage as WandsworthEye.'

 

 

Opera studio pigeons 'spread medieval plague'

The NHS in Wandsworth was on standby last night amid mounting fears of a public health emergency caused by pigeons defecating over the walls of the National Opera Studio in Chapel Yard. 

 

The much-loved historic building, long the centre of the borough's cultural life, has come under siege from terrifying avian forces in recent months. To the passer-by who gently ambles through one of Wandsworth's most prestigious thoroughfares, nothing is amiss. The ochre-coloured edifice shimmers resplendently in the evening sunshine, welcoming eager concert-goers into its ample bosom.
 

'Ooh I come to all the recitals,' said pensioner Gladys B. 'Some of the singers are very dishy, you know! They have such strong manly voices... I'm only a frail pensioner, and my life generally involves pushing trolleys round shopping centres in search of cat food and custard creams, but I can honestly say that the National Opera Studio's lunchtime concerts have given me a new zest for life - and how much more edifying they are than traditional OAP pursuits such as playing bingo!' Reginald W. of the Anti-Lust Alliance said he was shocked by suggestions that ogling took place at the Opera Studio, though he generally supported the singing element.

But unbeknown to all but the most vigilant visitors and passers by, the National Opera Studio's pretty stained glass windows have become infested with fearsome pigeons, whose copious excrement is spattered unattractively over the surrounding brickwork and now lies caked onto the venerable building's exterior walls. 'It is a horrifying sight indeed,' commented one member of the Chapel Yard Residents' Association whose apartment overlooks the squalid site. 'And the situation has just got worse and worse since the Liberal Democrats entered government in 2010. It was in their manifesto to tackle avian faecal matter, but that soon got conveniently forgotten when they cosied up to the Tories.'

There were claims last night that the National Opera Studio's staff had been spotted throwing titbits out of the window to the pigeons, in stark contravention of health & safety rules. And local resident Demerera S. said she feared an escalating public health crisis - with untold repercussions for vulnerable infants and frail pensioners.

 

'If nothing is done to scrape those ghastly faecal deposits off the NOS brickwork, who knows what kind of dreadful plague will emerge to haunt us, just like in medieval times,' she warned - shuddering as she contemplated the dreadful scenario. 'In fact I'm sure I just saw a rat scuttling about the yard, ready to pounce on the very next passer by.'

 

     

Tramps and vagabonds 'devastating rare butterflies'

Families fled in terror last night as Wandsworth's greedy tramps and vagabonds colonized the banks of the River Wandle, taking over a much-loved children's play area and threatening the future of a treasured wildlife habitat in the very centre of the borough.

 

Regular readers of WandsworthEye have long been acquainted with the itinerant practices of local T&V elements. The situation had appeared to be largely under control, with T&V activity chiefly confined to the two benches provided by kindly pastoral welfare authorities at All Saints Church. 

 

However, not content with these already lavish facilities, the borough's tramps and vagabonds have now moved the focus of their layabout activities to the tree-lined banks of the Wandle, where they have been spotted eating vast sandwiches and consuming drinks of fearsome potency.

 

 

Last night ordinary Wandsworth residents told of their anger at the wicked machinations of the borough's T&V population. 'It's heartbreaking,' said Chardonnay C. 'I used to come here every morning after the Jeremy Kyle Show with my darling children Shannon, Kyle and Kimberley. How they used to frolic in the verdant greenery. But now no longer. We shall have to go to manky Wandsworth Common instead. I fear there is no room for honest hardworking folk like us on the banks of the Wandle, now that the tramps and vagabonds have taken over.'

 

Other residents blamed the Liberal Democrats and drew attention to a little-known provision in the much-hated Coalition Agreement, according to which the governing parties "shall commit themselves to extending T&V access to areas of outstanding natural beauty such as the banks of the River Wandle in south-west London". 

 

However there were fears that the untrammelled activites of the tramps and vagabonds could have a devastating impact on local wildlife. 'There are bound to be loads of rare butterflies dwelling in the area,' commented Zelda E. of the Wandsworth Butterfly Alliance. 'I dread to think what the future holds for them now that T&V activity has spread to the banks of the Wandle.'

 

Veteran pro-T&V campaigner Dave K. last night challenged WandsworthEye and its phalanx of devoted allies to contribute large sums of money to T&V charities each time they alluded to T&Vs in public discourse. 'Prove you care!' he raged.

 

But a source close to the WandsworthEye editorial board stressed again the positive contribution that T&V elements could make to society - provided they did not devastate the borough's fragile rare butterfly population.