Call to truncate 'working class' bus

Middle-class families are pleading with London Buses to alter the route of the much-hated 170 bus so that it no longer serves the sinister and notorious council estate at Roehampton. Leading local residents want the controversial service to be truncated at well-to-do Putney Heath so that they no longer have to travel in the same vehicle as lesser folk from the borough's poverty-stricken periphery.  
 

The hated 170 bus besieged by reckless yobs

The 170 bus has long played a crucial role in the borough's multifarious transport infrastructure. Beginning its long journey at Victoria station, it serves some of the most exclusive neighbourhoods of Chelsea, Battersea Village and Putney Heath. However rather than terminating by the heathside like most normal buses, the 170 controversially continues to Roehampton - a ghetto-like area plagued by violent disorder and yobbery. As a result, middle-class passengers are all too often confronted with distasteful scenes, as tracksuit-wearing single mothers jostle their way onto the crowded bus armed with Poundland carrier bags and cartons crammed full of smelly chicken nuggets.

 

 

 

 

Middle-class passengers trembling in fear

 

"The situation has become completely untenable," complained Selfridgia Aliceband as she hurried her daughter Timpani along to clavichord practice. "One does one's bit for the environment by taking the bus, and is veritably forced to travel with all these manky people. Why can't they have their own separate bus to take them to and from Poundland and the chicken nugget emporium?" 

 

Colonel Hartley of Tunbridge Wells, currently holidaying in the borough, echoed her thoughts. "I have to say I am shocked that buses used by respectable middle-class families are deliberately routed into festering centres of crime and antisocial behaviour. This would not happen in Tunbridge Wells. But then again - it is just typical of the way the Liberal Democrats have ruined this country since they got their hands on power. If only people had listened to WandsworthEye, whose trenchant and stentorian voice has been urging vigilance against LibDem excesses from the very outset."

 

 

Pensioners in peril on 'streets of terror'

Health and safety experts warned last night that frail Wandsworth pensioners would die in their thousands unless LibDem-inspired 'tactile strips' were removed from the borough's pedestrian crossings.  

 

The hated tactile strip at Clapham Junction 

WandsworthEye has long been at the forefront of the campaign against this hated and unnecessarily cumbersome addition to our street furniture. Installed overnight across the borough at the behest of the scheming Liberal Democrats, the costly tactile strips were justified by their proponents on the grounds that they guided pedestrians with diminished sight to safe road crossings. However a storm of protest soon ensued, with angry residents demanding compensation for their damaged footwear. "You only have to walk across one or two of those damned things and even the sturdiest leather brogues will be ruined for evermore," complained Colonel Hartley of the Campaign Against Tactile Terror.

 

 

 

A frail pensioner in danger

 

However the focus of concern was shifting last night to the welfare of the borough's much-loved frail pensioners. Speaking on the margins of an agenda-setting Regional Health & Safety Symposium, cloakroom attendant Chavetta Nkokmah said: "I too am becoming increasingly concerned about the profusion of tactile strips across the borough. It is surely only a matter of time before a vulnerable elderly person trips up on one of these ghastly excrescences and plunges to their death. And when that happens, mark my words, it'll be the Liberal Democrats who are to blame. If only people had listened to the wise words of WandsworthEye instead of to the siren voices of false prophets Clegg and Cable."   

As pensioners trembled in terror and the chorus of disapproval became ever louder this weekend, there were signs that a legal challenge could be mounted against the hated tactile strips. A spokesman for influential campaign group Wandsworth Wimmin raged: "It's all very well having studded pavements for the blind, but what about us wimmin? If Wandsworth Council doesn't immediately install special crossings for lesbians then I'm afraid we shall have to call in our lawyers."     



Fury over LibDem machinations

Wandsworth was in uproar last night as further evidence emerged of heartless LibDem plotting to destroy the borough's cherished public services.

 

Much-loved WandsworthEye has long been subjecting the country's junior coalition partner to especially rigorous scrutiny, fearful of the baneful effects the Liberal Democrats are having on our troubled neighbourhood. In a matter of mere weeks, the unprincipled party of Clegg and Cable were found to be instrumental in a number of cruel local policy decisions including:

• The heartless temporary closure of the Broomhill Road post box;
• Massive funding cuts to the borough's cherished Apostrophe Helpline;
• Complete disregard for the plight of threatened butterflies;
• Persistent inaction in the face of the burgeoning tramp & vagabond crisis;
• Refusal to tackle the National Opera Studio's medieval pigeon plague.

 

And in the latest bombshell to hit Wandsworth, the much-used westbound bus stop at Southside shopping centre has been arbitrarily closed to all services, without a moment's thought for local residents.

The forlorn closed bus stop at Southside

 

The bus stop, a key element of the borough's creaking transport infrastructure, is normally thronged day and night with passengers eager to board the popular 39 bus to Southfields, the 156 to Wimbledon and the N87 "drunkards' express" to Kingston. Its strategic position adjacent to Costa Coffee's unfurled parasols lends it an importance far beyond that of usual run-of-the-mill bus stops. But most crucially of all, the Southside bus stop is just yards away from WandsworthEye HQ - a vital community hub and cherished news service of national and international import.   

 

WandsworthEye can now exclusively reveal that the closure of the Southside bus stop - on spurious "roadworks" grounds - is in fact a cunning ruse by the Liberal Democrats to choke off the floods of visitors to WandsworthEye HQ in Chapel Yard.

 

Nick Clegg ordering the bus stop closure

Grainy pictures have come into the Eye's possession which clearly show LibDem leader Nick Clegg making crafty arrangements for the bus stop to be closed. As the photographer crept up unseen on the Deputy Prime Minister, Clegg was overheard saying: "That'll teach the Eye a lesson! Little do they know how much far-reaching influence I have over bus stops in south-west London! Ha ha ha!"

 

News of the latest LibDem machinations caused a furore in Wandsworth last night, with influential residents demanding the immediate restoration of bus services and a full LibDem apology to WandsworthEye.

 

Clutching her battered tartan shopping trolley, 85-year-old Mabel Gout wept as she said: "How am I supposed to get around as a frail pensioner when they close bus stops of such crucial importance to the local citizenry? It's just typical of the LibDems to close bus stops. I knew nothing good would ever come of letting them into the government." The Liberal Democrats did not return calls last night, but WandsworthEye can assure its phalanx of devoted readers that the battle to reopen this much-loved bus stop will continue with unrelenting vigour.

 

In the meantime, visitors to the Eye HQ in Chapel Yard are urged to alight at Wandsworth Town Hall and walk down the hill. An alternative option is to take the 87 bus to its terminus near the tramps' and vagabonds' bench at All Saints Church.