Snow plunges borough into catastrophe

The borough of Wandsworth was teetering on the brink of catastrophe today after several minutes of snowfall caused transport havoc, disrupted key supermarket supply chains and forced thousands of residents to stay at home listening to Kim Wilde's Secret Songs on Magic FM.

Patrons in peril under Costa sunshades

Amid Arctic temperatures of -1C and snowdrifts of up to 3cm, everyday life quickly ground to a halt across the borough. In a day of fast-moving developments, the emergency services rushed to the Southside branch of Costa Coffee, where only two sunshades had been unfurled this morning. Health & safety officials advised customers: "If there is no room under the parasols, please  shelter under the clothing that is habitually strewn over the floors of TK Maxx."  

Borough "will starve to death"

Meanwhile fears were rising that the entire population of Wandsworth would starve to death as supermarket shelves rapidly emptied. Frail pensioners Ethel Dumpton and Mabel Drearie were in tears as they surveyed the bleak scene at Garratt Lane Sainsburys. "I came in for some custard creams and tins of cat food," Dumpton explained. "But all they had left was a tin of own-brand baked beans and some manky potatoes. I think I'm going to give Meals on Wheels a call..."

WandsworthEye's much-loved Twitter feed was being avidly followed all day as worried residents turned to the Eye for accurate and impartial information about the unfolding crisis. Housewife Henrietta Harpington spoke for many when she said: "What with the helicopter crash, the ongoing tramp & vagabond crisis and now all this snowfall too, Wandsworth is scarcely ever out of the news. Thank heavens for WandsworthEye, whose timely reportage is of such a higher quality than rival community news services such as @WandsworthSW18."

Residents tell of eardrum hell

Residents claimed last night that emergency service vehicles were deliberately driving up and down Wandsworth High Street with their sirens ablaze to annoy people. There were even suggestions that heartless 999 chiefs had cunningly turned up the volume of police, ambulance and fire engine sirens so as to make an especially loud nuisance and destroy everybody's last remaining eardrums. 

The heartless headquarters of the southwest London siren torturers

WandsworthEye can reveal that at all times of the day and night, hardworking families living on and around the High Street have had their lives cruelly disrupted by the incessant "ni-na-ni-na" call of busybody 999 vehicles. No sooner has one passed out of earshot than another appears to torture the local inhabitants.

Marguerita Ponsonby Smythe, who dwells above one of the busy thoroughfare's many chicken nugget emporia, complained: "It's so selfish of them to make such a noise. They are just trying to be the centre of attention. Well I'm afraid they'll just have to wait their turn like everybody else!"

Wandsworth's imposing police HQ

Frail pensioner Mabel Drearie agreed. Clutching her copy of the Daily Express, she declared: "If the police were at least catching tramps, lesbians and asylum seekers, one could understand all this siren hoo-ha. However one increasingly has the suspicion that it is all a big lot of fuss about nothing." She dabbed her runny nose with a Poundland handkerchief. "And I'll tell you what: it's definitely got worse since the Liberal Democrats got their greasy hands onto power. If only people had heeded the trenchant prophecies of much-loved community news blog WandsworthEye, whose services to local residents are invaluable!"