Ugly council flats 'should be bulldozed down'

Calls were mounting last night for the high-rise council flats above Southside shopping centre to be razed to the ground. Residents from across central Wandsworth pleaded with the council to expunge the unsightly eyesore from its prominent site towering over the neighbourhood. 

The unsightly council block looms over Wandsworth

The controversial edifice was erected many decades ago, in a now almost forgotten era of wanton profligacy and leftwing social engineering. Constructed using the costliest, most sumptuous building materials, the towering monstrosity was soon chock-full of lottery winners, single mothers and tearaway children. "I remember when it was brand spanking new," reminisced frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton. "Mr Gladstone himself came to cut the ribbon, accompanied by his wife Queen Victoria."   

Artist's impression of the site post-demolition

However in recent years a growing coalition of angry local residents has been lobbying to have the hated carbuncle removed from its looming position in the heart of our treasured borough. Leading campaigner Selfridgia Aliceband explained: "It's all very well having a Sabichi and a Waitrose in the shopping mall, but a block crammed full of council people really lowers the tone of the neighbourhood. It should be bulldozed down forthwith."

Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above one of the more exclusive chicken shops on Wandsworth High Street, wholeheartedly agreed. "Only the other day my neighhour's darling little son, Mungo Parker-Bicyclette, was beaten up by yobbos from the council flats as he rode to prep school. We really ought to put these people somewhere else - for example, in Swansea or in Kettering."

Last night architects were preparing a blueprint for the future of the disputed site. One option, pictured above, involves the complete bulldozing of the 24-storey tower and its transformation into a privately-run tourist attraction provisionally called The Council Flat Experience. 

Other possibilities floated by developers include the construction of a high-security prison for violent, dangerous Liberal Democrats. "We really can't have them running around in the community any longer," explained one source close to the authorities. "The sooner all remaining LibDems are locked up the better. Thank goodness for trenchant local news blog WandsworthEye, without whom the wicked machinations of the junior coalition partner would go unpunished."

Flip-flop-wearing LibDems 'bring shame on the borough'

Wandsworth's hard-earned reputation as a centre of fashion second only to Milan and Chigwell took a severe knock today as the sunshine tempted men onto the borough's streets in flimsy, frivolous flip-flops.

Hairy toes, pasty legs and unattractive bunions were on full display as Wandsworth's once stylish male inhabitants threw caution to the wind and donned foolishly inappropriate beachwear as they went about their daily business.

Inappropriate beachwear on the streets of southwest London

"Liberal Democrats in particular tend to favour this disastrous look," commented glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette, who first came to prominence as a fashion adviser to Ann Widdecombe. "But now even the tramps and vagabonds wear them," she said. "One simply despairs."

'Bring back standards of decency and decorum!'

Frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton  was also full of trenchant criticism, raging: "It was never like this during the war. People had standards of decency and decorum then. Oh, bring back the days when Gladstone and Mrs Thatcher ruled - you would never have had people in flip-flops then."

There were calls last night for the police to forbid the wearing of sandals, flip-flops and other unappealing footwear on the streets of SW18. Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above a chicken shop on Wandsworth High Street, heartily agreed. "Imagine all the squelchy things that get caught between their toes as the LibDem flip-flop-wearers promenade up and down the major thoroughfares," she said, shuddering. 

'Tread on their toes! That'll serve them right!'

"Bits of discarded fried chicken; slowly coagulating piles of vomit outside the Grand Union; pigeon droppings from the National Opera Studio; mank and detritus strewn across the neighbourhood by shameless tramps and vagabonds. How filthy those benighted people's feet must be!"

As WandsworthEye led the campaign to ban all frivolous beachwear from the streets of our beloved municipality, unrepentant flip-flop-wearer Ronaldo Mincing-Bottomley vowed: "I shall take this matter to the European Court of Human Rights without further ado."

WandsworthEye hereby calls on all right-thinking citizens to deliberately tread on the toes of urban flip-flop-wearers until they cease their wanton, wicked ways. Long live modest apparel!