Glamorous Wandsworth Debenhams 'to open within days'

There was mounting excitement in the borough last night as eager residents awaited the imminent opening of the plush new Debenhams store at Southside shopping centre. A mile-long queue stretched along Garratt Lane as impatient shoppers vied to be the first through the doors of the glamorous new department store on the site of the hated former post office.

'Only days' to wait till the grand opening

"This gonna be wicked, yeah," ventured single mother Chavetta Nkokmah, one of the first in the line. "Ay fort this gonna be queue for new ay-phone yeah. But Debenhams comin' to Wandsworf yeah. Gonna be even more cool than new ay-phone yeah."  

Final preparations are underway in the perfume hall

Glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette was equally enthused. "How right Ms Nkokmah is," she exclaimed. "And just to think - only a few weeks ago all there was here was a horrid, manky post office full of smelly people collecting their benefits. Ugh. One shudders to recall what Wandsworth used to be like in days gone by."

The Reverend Benny Saville, chairman of the Anti-Lust Alliance, watched contentedly as workmen put the finishing touches to the perfume hall on the ground floor of the new multi-storey retail emporium. "What a splendid addition to our vibrant local community," he said. "But I do hope the men's lavatories won't become a centre for untoward activities as they have at Debenhams' notorious Clapham Junction branch..."

A source close to the much-loved department store chain confirmed last night that the long-awaited grand opening was now just days away. "About 733 days to be exact," he explained. Speculation was rife that an A-list celebrity would be cutting the ribbon on the great day. "We're hoping to get a leading LibDem luminary," said another source. "Except that could be a little difficult as they're all under lock and key these days. We may have to make do with Godfrey Bloom instead."

Borough hails appointment of 'rigorous' Deputy Eye

Residents were clinking their glasses last night following the appointment of a much-loved veteran social commentator as DeputyWandsworthEye. Hubert Montague-Postlethwaite - who tweets as @Wandsworth3 - was chosen from a field of thousands of eager candidates. In his acceptance tweet, he wrote: "I am humbled, honoured and somewhat in awe at the responsibilities that await me." 

The profile page of much-loved Montague-Postlethwaite

WandsworthEye HQ issued the following statement last night: "The appointment of a Deputy Eye has become a matter of the most pressing urgency. In recent months the Eye has been compelled to attend an endless series of dreary apostrophe congresses in locations including Madeira, the Canary Islands, Spain, Portugal, the Czech Republic and Germany. Ever mindful of the need to remain vigilant at home, and to act trenchantly in the face of the depredations and machinations of tramps, vagabonds and Liberal Democrats, the Eye hereby appoints trusted follower @Wandsworth3 as Deputy Eye, with full authority to use the Eye brand in the battle for law, order, decency and above all family values. Let us now step up the fight against tracksuit-wearing and chicken nuggetry in SW18!"

The Eye's wise move was widely applauded in the borough last night. The Reverend Benny Savile of the Anti-Lust Alliance said: "I welcome this timely appointment. DeputyWandsworthEye has a proven track-record of speaking out against perversion. Our neighbourhood will be much the safer for his rigorous vigilance."

Frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton agreed. "It's just like in the war," she recalled, "when Lloyd George was Prime Minister and Mr Gladstone was his deputy. Oh I do hope the new Deputy Eye will help bring down the price of cat food and custard creams - especially in Sainsbury's on Garratt Lane, where you can never find anything anymore and the prices are always 20p more than it said on the shelves..."