Eye 'set to be the new Nigel Slater'

The Eye's phalanx of devoted followers were overjoyed last night as Wandsworth's trenchant community leader received fulsome endorsement from much-loved TV chef Nigel Slater.

WandsworthEye has long been famed throughout SW18 for tweeting incisively about matters of local, national and global import. But in an exciting new departure, the Chapel Yard scribe has now begun sharing details of his hearty home cooking with his burgeoning army of avid followers.

And in a stunning development this week, culinary king Nigel Slater took to social media to admit that the Eye was now on the verge of usurping his own position as the nation's number one expert in frugal fare:

Eye followers were delighted by Slater's intervention and urged their trenchant leader to take the TV star's advice and grow a rakish beard. Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above a chicken shop on Wandsworth High Street, said: "This is the endorsement we've all been waiting for! Oh do grow a lusty beard, sagacious Eye, and please divulge your secret recipe for Bavarian-style liver dumpling broth!"

Opera studio's rage at 'slovenly' neighbours

The opera studio: magnet for borough's high society 

Wandsworth was in uproar last night as sources close to the National Opera Studio lambasted its 'slummy' neighbours and warned that the much-loved institution might have to relocate to a more salubrious district.

The Opera Studio, whose premises lie but a stone's throw from Eye HQ in Chapel Yard, has long been a magnet for the borough's high society.

Glamorous socialites including Tamara Parker-Bicyclette, Octavia Belle-Wether and Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest are often to be seen at the studio's A-list champagne receptions, mingling with key local councillors and other important figures.

But angry opera singers are now said to be threatening to boycott the studio's popular lunchtime recitals. According to one well-placed source, Chapel Yard has just become "too manky" for the superstars in recent months.

"There's always been a problem in this area with people thoughtlessly dropping fried chicken cartons into the gutter," she explained. "But then we had workmen in dirty overalls starting to loiter in the yard smoking cigarettes. And when a slovenly, chaotic family moved into the apartment block opposite our building, that was the final straw for many. They said Chapel Yard had become just as common as Romford."

The slovenly family's higgledy-piggledy balcony

The Opera Studio's harsh words were echoed by many in the once august, dignified neighbourhood. Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above a nearby chicken shop, said: "I for one would not be seen dead in Chapel Yard. Those manky people who've strewn their lovely balcony with all manner of ghastly clutter should hang their heads in shame."

And frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer concurred wholeheartedly. "It used to be so lovely round here," she recalled, with tears coming to her eyes. "I remember when Mr Gladstone opened the village fete in 1924, it was just after Mrs Thatcher came to power. Ooh them miners and that General Galtieri, they were an 'orrible lot they were. We never liked them."

Back at the National Opera Studio, there was speculation last night that much-loved Italian mezzo-soprano Esmerelda Borlotti-Pappardelle might cancel her forthcoming recital, solely because of the wicked dishevelled ways of Chapel Yard's slovenly denizens.

"It's absolutely heartbreaking," wailed one source. "We've gone to all this trouble to get rid of the pooing pigeons and now there's this horrid manky family living opposite. If only we'd listened to the wise, prescient words of WandsworthEye, who warned that no good would ever come of letting the LibDems into government."