Treacherous Post Office slammed over move to 'manky' Ram Street

Wandsworth Post Office bosses were slammed last night after sharp-eyed residents uncovered a top-secret plan to abandon their much-loved High Street branch and relocate miles away to the crime-ridden junction with down-at-heel Ram Street.

News of the cunning move only came to light when a sign the size of a postage stamp appeared in the window of the High Street outlet on the day England crashed humiliatingly out of the World Cup. "With attention focused elsewhere, this was evidently deemed a good day to bury bad news," commented top media analyst Ruperta Muerre-Doque. 

News seeps out of the Post Office's cruel plan

Pensioners' representatives were at the forefront of a public outcry, voicing fears that frail elderly folk would struggle to find their way to the remote new branch. Millicent Bumbleberry of Wandsworth Pensioners in Peril (WPiP) stormed: "This is outrageous. The new branch is over a hundred metres away on the other side of a busy main road. Old folk will get mown down as they try to cross in their mobility scooters. I blame the Liberal Democrats for this - you mark my words, they'll get their comeuppance at the general election."

The new branch on 'grim and menacing' Ram Street

Tourism chiefs were also trembling with rage. "What kind of message does this send out to the waves of international visitors now flocking to the borough after the opening of Premier Inn on Garratt Lane?" asked one travel industry bigwig. "How can we expect French, German and Italian tourists to make their way to grim, menacing Ram Street to buy their postage stamps? They will all get stabbed by chicken nugget-eating hoodlums." 

Last night there were mounting calls for a trenchant and merciless intervention by WandsworthEye. But in a statement, Eye HQ said: "Unfortunately there is no time to deal with this issue as all attention must now be focused on the forthcoming All-Iberian Apostrophe Congress. In the Eye's absence, please forward all enquiries to the Deputy Eye, the Assistant Deputy Eye, the Eye Spokesperson on Health, Social Care & Women's Issues, or the Eye Political Consultant."

As the borough's inhabitants prepared to bid WandsworthEye a tearful farewell at Gatwick airport, frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer could be seen wandering forlornly up and down Wandsworth High Street in search of the new Post Office. "Where am I gonna get me ration coupons now?" she cried in despair. "It's just like the war, when the Liberals were last in power..."

Package holiday boom turns Wandsworth into 'new Costa Brava'

Wandsworth's fledgling tourism sector looked set for explosive growth last night as industry bigwigs predicted that the opening of the new Premier Inn on Garratt Lane would usher in a package holiday boom in SW18.

As leading tour operators scrambled to include Wandsworth's latest luxury hotel in their Summer 2014 brochures, there was talk of the Brighter Borough taking its proud place among the world's No.1 holiday hotspots.

"Mark my words," said one source close to Wandsworth Council. "Premier Inn's prescient decision to expand its 5-star offering in southwest London means the big times are coming for our much-loved neighbourhood." He predicted: "They'll call it the Costa Wandla."

The lavishly appointed new Premier Inn

Glamorous socialite Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest watched approvingly as workmen put the final touches to Wandsworth's new luxury hotel complex. "I stayed at the Battersea Travelodge the other night," she said, wrinkling her nose, "and it was bloody awful. But a Premier Inn is in a different category altogether. And no wonder it's been built on well-to-do Garratt Lane. They'd never have put it among the manky chicken shops on the High Street."

Tourism officials also rubbed their hands in glee as they looked forward to years of bounty in the borough. Unveiling plans for a proposed Wandle Beach to complement the new hotel facility, the Chief Executive of VisitBritain said: "There's so much for holidaymakers to do in Wandsworth, even before the beach is completed. Families might enjoy a meal at Nando's in Southside shopping centre, for example. Or perhaps they could pay a visit to the newly-expanded Notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's. But do be careful when using the perilous escalator - and don't forget to hold the handrail at all times." 

Artist's impression of proposed Wandle Beach