'Black magic' coffee bar stokes fears of satanic rituals

Residents of Chapel Yard fled their neighbourhood in terror last night as rumours circulated that the new Black Chapel espresso bar was merely a cunning front for 'secret satanic rituals'. 

The imminent opening of the swanky new coffee outlet has been welcomed by long-standing opponents of Costa, just a stone's throw across the road. But some concerned locals said the 'sinister' signage recalled the very worst atrocities of 1980s TV favourite "Hammer House of Horror". 

Millicent Bumbleberry of Wandsworth Age Concern said: "My grandchildren burst into tears every time we walk past on our way to Waitrose. We have to make a big detour now and go past all the horrid chicken nugget shops on the High Street."

The 'sinister' new coffee bar in the heart of Chapel Yard

Amid frightened talk of 'black magic' practices including the sacrifice of severed goats' heads and the drinking of Asda Smart Price vodka, religious leaders appealed for calm and urged the community to remain steadfast in its prayers. The Reverend Benny Savile, chairman of the Anti-Lust Alliance, said: "We don't want any Sexpresso bars in our community, thank you very much. I shall be writing to UKIP and the Daily Mail to alert them to this latest threat to traditional family values in the heart of Tory-controlled Wandsworth."

Fears of sorcery in SW18

Frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton was also unambiguous in her opposition to the new coffee emporium. "I'd never be able to afford one of them posh coffees on me state pension," she complained. "Not after I've spent most of it on cat food and custard creams at the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's."

But housewife Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe ran to the defence of the Black Chapel espresso entrepreneurs. "I am one of many residents who have the misfortune to dwell above a chicken shop," she explained. "And I am firmly of the belief that this lavish new coffee bar presages an exciting new era for Chapel Yard, in which tracksuit-wearing chicken nugget-eating chavs will be banished for evermore. Hurrah for Black Chapel! All we need now is a little boutique branch of Harvey Nicks, a Gail's bakery and half a dozen estate agents, and Wandsworth truly will be coming up in the world!"

Illegal Scottish migrants 'already flooding the borough'

Wandsworth Council went into emergency session last night as reports came in of illegal Scottish migrants flocking to the Brighter Borough in search of work, shelter and safety. With just days to go till the disputed referendum, Scots were fleeing across the border in their dozens, in a desperate bid to escape the clutches of hated separatist leader Aleksandr Salmondov and his ruthless deputy Nicola Sturzhonova.

"The referendum is just a ploy to annexe Scotland to eastern Ukraine," explained one destitute asylum seeker as he tucked into a box of fried chicken on Wandsworth High Street. "We'll just be a wee little colony ruled from Donetsk. Aye, that we will."   

Hated Scottish rebel leader Aleksandr Salmondov

As community leaders appealed for calm, council officials rushed to set up refugee camps in King George's Park. Charities appealed for donations of deep-fried Mars bars and cans of triple-strength lager to make the newcomers feel at home. "The situation is heartbreaking," said Bertram Crudd, Deputy Stakeholder Engagement Officer at Wandsworth Council. "Many of the new arrivals don't speak English and there's very little hope of them ever integrating into society."

  

Illegal Scottish migrants arriving in Wandsworth

Fears were also rising last night that the flood of migrants could spread deadly viruses such as Ebola throughout the borough, even in plusher areas such as Bellevue Road and Nightingale Lane. "We urge all Wandsworth residents to remain calm but vigilant," said Dr Maurice Elzheimer of South West London NHS Foundation Trust In Association With Vodafone. "If you see any Scottish people coughing, quickly return home, draw the curtains and inform the authorities. Safety is paramount."