Call for vigilance as water found at swimming pool

Staff at Putney Leisure Centre were horrified last night to discover treacherous wet floors in the vicinity of the swimming pool. As fears mounted of accidents by the dozen, managers ordered bright yellow warning signs to be moved into position at key poolside locations and around the showers, toilets and changing rooms.

Displayed in the nick of time

An insider at the much-loved leisure emporium explained: "A member of the public came running to the front desk at around 1600 hours. He had just come out of the swimming pool, was about to take off his dripping wet Speedos, and suddenly noticed perilous drops of water on the floor beneath him. Our staff rushed to the scene immediately and activated the Leisure Centre's health & safety contingency plan. The entire area was roped off and warning signs placed at strategic intervals. We must stress that Putney Leisure Centre continues to be a safe and welcoming environment for all the family, but vigilance must be the order of the day until every last drop of water has been identified and removed."

A spokesman for the Regional Health & Safety Inspectorate praised Putney Leisure Centre's timely actions. "This is a good example of best practice," said Inspector-General Albert Eagerly. "Staff and customers would have been in grave peril had the wet floors not been properly signposted. Frail pensioners would have slipped over and broken their last remaining bones; pregnant mothers would have plummeted cruelly to their deaths; and innocent children would have slipped on the wetness and been taken advantage of by cunning paedophiles. I shudder to think of all the chilling consequences of inaction."

The Spanish ambassador also intervened to praise Putney Leisure Centre for including "wet floor" warnings in Spanish. "This is most kind of the English authorities," he said. "We in Spain are not well-acquainted with the properties of water, and most of our people would have expected arid conditions to prevail at a swimming pool. Thanks to these useful and informative warning signs, however, we now know better."  

Call to truncate 'working class' bus

Middle-class families are pleading with London Buses to alter the route of the much-hated 170 bus so that it no longer serves the sinister and notorious council estate at Roehampton. Leading local residents want the controversial service to be truncated at well-to-do Putney Heath so that they no longer have to travel in the same vehicle as lesser folk from the borough's poverty-stricken periphery.  
 

The hated 170 bus besieged by reckless yobs

The 170 bus has long played a crucial role in the borough's multifarious transport infrastructure. Beginning its long journey at Victoria station, it serves some of the most exclusive neighbourhoods of Chelsea, Battersea Village and Putney Heath. However rather than terminating by the heathside like most normal buses, the 170 controversially continues to Roehampton - a ghetto-like area plagued by violent disorder and yobbery. As a result, middle-class passengers are all too often confronted with distasteful scenes, as tracksuit-wearing single mothers jostle their way onto the crowded bus armed with Poundland carrier bags and cartons crammed full of smelly chicken nuggets.

 

 

 

 

Middle-class passengers trembling in fear

 

"The situation has become completely untenable," complained Selfridgia Aliceband as she hurried her daughter Timpani along to clavichord practice. "One does one's bit for the environment by taking the bus, and is veritably forced to travel with all these manky people. Why can't they have their own separate bus to take them to and from Poundland and the chicken nugget emporium?" 

 

Colonel Hartley of Tunbridge Wells, currently holidaying in the borough, echoed her thoughts. "I have to say I am shocked that buses used by respectable middle-class families are deliberately routed into festering centres of crime and antisocial behaviour. This would not happen in Tunbridge Wells. But then again - it is just typical of the way the Liberal Democrats have ruined this country since they got their hands on power. If only people had listened to WandsworthEye, whose trenchant and stentorian voice has been urging vigilance against LibDem excesses from the very outset."

 

 

Pensioners in peril on 'streets of terror'

Health and safety experts warned last night that frail Wandsworth pensioners would die in their thousands unless LibDem-inspired 'tactile strips' were removed from the borough's pedestrian crossings.  

 

The hated tactile strip at Clapham Junction 

WandsworthEye has long been at the forefront of the campaign against this hated and unnecessarily cumbersome addition to our street furniture. Installed overnight across the borough at the behest of the scheming Liberal Democrats, the costly tactile strips were justified by their proponents on the grounds that they guided pedestrians with diminished sight to safe road crossings. However a storm of protest soon ensued, with angry residents demanding compensation for their damaged footwear. "You only have to walk across one or two of those damned things and even the sturdiest leather brogues will be ruined for evermore," complained Colonel Hartley of the Campaign Against Tactile Terror.

 

 

 

A frail pensioner in danger

 

However the focus of concern was shifting last night to the welfare of the borough's much-loved frail pensioners. Speaking on the margins of an agenda-setting Regional Health & Safety Symposium, cloakroom attendant Chavetta Nkokmah said: "I too am becoming increasingly concerned about the profusion of tactile strips across the borough. It is surely only a matter of time before a vulnerable elderly person trips up on one of these ghastly excrescences and plunges to their death. And when that happens, mark my words, it'll be the Liberal Democrats who are to blame. If only people had listened to the wise words of WandsworthEye instead of to the siren voices of false prophets Clegg and Cable."   

As pensioners trembled in terror and the chorus of disapproval became ever louder this weekend, there were signs that a legal challenge could be mounted against the hated tactile strips. A spokesman for influential campaign group Wandsworth Wimmin raged: "It's all very well having studded pavements for the blind, but what about us wimmin? If Wandsworth Council doesn't immediately install special crossings for lesbians then I'm afraid we shall have to call in our lawyers."     



Fury over LibDem machinations

Wandsworth was in uproar last night as further evidence emerged of heartless LibDem plotting to destroy the borough's cherished public services.

 

Much-loved WandsworthEye has long been subjecting the country's junior coalition partner to especially rigorous scrutiny, fearful of the baneful effects the Liberal Democrats are having on our troubled neighbourhood. In a matter of mere weeks, the unprincipled party of Clegg and Cable were found to be instrumental in a number of cruel local policy decisions including:

• The heartless temporary closure of the Broomhill Road post box;
• Massive funding cuts to the borough's cherished Apostrophe Helpline;
• Complete disregard for the plight of threatened butterflies;
• Persistent inaction in the face of the burgeoning tramp & vagabond crisis;
• Refusal to tackle the National Opera Studio's medieval pigeon plague.

 

And in the latest bombshell to hit Wandsworth, the much-used westbound bus stop at Southside shopping centre has been arbitrarily closed to all services, without a moment's thought for local residents.

The forlorn closed bus stop at Southside

 

The bus stop, a key element of the borough's creaking transport infrastructure, is normally thronged day and night with passengers eager to board the popular 39 bus to Southfields, the 156 to Wimbledon and the N87 "drunkards' express" to Kingston. Its strategic position adjacent to Costa Coffee's unfurled parasols lends it an importance far beyond that of usual run-of-the-mill bus stops. But most crucially of all, the Southside bus stop is just yards away from WandsworthEye HQ - a vital community hub and cherished news service of national and international import.   

 

WandsworthEye can now exclusively reveal that the closure of the Southside bus stop - on spurious "roadworks" grounds - is in fact a cunning ruse by the Liberal Democrats to choke off the floods of visitors to WandsworthEye HQ in Chapel Yard.

 

Nick Clegg ordering the bus stop closure

Grainy pictures have come into the Eye's possession which clearly show LibDem leader Nick Clegg making crafty arrangements for the bus stop to be closed. As the photographer crept up unseen on the Deputy Prime Minister, Clegg was overheard saying: "That'll teach the Eye a lesson! Little do they know how much far-reaching influence I have over bus stops in south-west London! Ha ha ha!"

 

News of the latest LibDem machinations caused a furore in Wandsworth last night, with influential residents demanding the immediate restoration of bus services and a full LibDem apology to WandsworthEye.

 

Clutching her battered tartan shopping trolley, 85-year-old Mabel Gout wept as she said: "How am I supposed to get around as a frail pensioner when they close bus stops of such crucial importance to the local citizenry? It's just typical of the LibDems to close bus stops. I knew nothing good would ever come of letting them into the government." The Liberal Democrats did not return calls last night, but WandsworthEye can assure its phalanx of devoted readers that the battle to reopen this much-loved bus stop will continue with unrelenting vigour.

 

In the meantime, visitors to the Eye HQ in Chapel Yard are urged to alight at Wandsworth Town Hall and walk down the hill. An alternative option is to take the 87 bus to its terminus near the tramps' and vagabonds' bench at All Saints Church.

 

Fat people 'omnipresent' in Wandsworth

Wandsworth's health service, already struggling to deal with a feared outbreak of medieval pigeon plague, was groaning at the seams last night as vast numbers of fat people were reported throughout the borough.




Fat person at Clapham Junction station

 

Wandsworth was previously known around the world as a suave, sophisticated district of south-west London in which svelte and chic middle-class mothers donned Alice bands as they shopped for healthy organic produce along bustling Northcote Road. Only the tramps and vagabonds showed signs of obesity - and this was due largely to well-meaning folk who lavished them with fatty gifts as they lolled around lazily on their special bench outside All Saints Church. "Oh," said local mum Cressida Parker-Bicyclette, "you never used to see fat people around in Wandsworth. There was so much space on the pavements! Those were the days!"





Is that snack really necessary?
 

However the recent explosion in the number of fast food outlets (see WandsworthEye's report of 02/08/2012) has caused a huge upsurge in rates of obesity, and local public health officials say they are "speechless" with shock at the extent of the borough's bulging waistlines. Last night reports were coming in of ambulance services on 24-hour standby as fat people tumbled over in the streets, unable to carry their greedy bags of shopping. "Mark my words," said one leading NHS figure, "this is a crisis potentially even worse than the medieval pigeon plague at the National Opera Studio".  


Experts were last night blaming the Liberal Democrats for the unprecedented downturn in the borough's health fortunes. "The minute they signed the coalition agreement, kebab shops were springing up everywhere on Wandsworth High Street," said leading nutritionist Octavia Belle-Wether. "If only people had listened to the prescient warnings of much-loved WandsworthEye, which has campaigned so vigorously on the subject." Weeping into her glass of diet mineral water, she wailed: "This area's gone so downhill. It'll be bingo halls and men walking around in football shirts next."

 

 

Costa in crisis over 'manky' customers

There were claims last night that Costa was in crisis, as complaints came flooding in about the vulgar and unhygienic habits of customers at its Wandsworth Southside branch.

 

The much-loved coffee emporium, whose fortunes WandsworthEye has eagerly followed since its inception, occupies a prime retail site at the very heart of the borough. On a sunny day, the glitterati of SW18 can sometimes be seen whiling away a pleasant hour under the unfurled sunshades.

 

For those who dwell in the locality, Costa's arrival presaged the start of an exciting new era for Wandsworth - one in which suave Mediterranean ways would hold sway over southwest London. 'I can remember when Costa would unfurl four parasols every morning,' recalled pensioner Doris Elzheimer with moist eyes. 'Oh, those were heady days... But now you're lucky to even get three. Things have definitely got worse since the Liberal Democrats came to power.' 

 

And concern was mounting last night that the elegant ambience of Costa Southside was coming under increasing threat from its popularity among the lower socio-economic classes - not all of whom know how to behave with decorum in a public place.

 

There were reports of extensive littering by yobbish elements, of single mothers chainsmoking in tracksuits and dropping their detritus on the ground, and even of working-class children smearing bogeys on the undersides of tables when nobody was looking. 'I just despair of these people,' said local resident Desiree Saltpetre. 'They have all these wonderful little chicken nugget-type places to go to and spend their benefit money, so why do they have to spoil coffee houses for busy professionals like me?'

 

Fears were also rising last night that the borough's tramps and vagabonds had Costa Southside in their sights. 'Thanks to WandsworthEye's trenchant reporting, we all know the devastation the tramps and vagabonds have been wreaking on the butterflies by the Wandle,' said regular customer Wilhelmina Plentibott. 'Surely it's only a matter of time before they find out about Costa Coffee's lavish facilities and try to winkle their way in without paying. It would just be typical of the tramps and vagabonds to sit dozing at tables, taking up much-needed space. It's all the fault of the Liberal Democrats.'

As WandsworthEye went to press last night, middle-class mothers were already fleeing Costa Southside, saying they could no longer tolerate the swirling sea of fag butts and the crude language of the lesser customers. 'If Costa would bring back the fourth sunshade, then all would be forgiven,' said Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest as she headed speedily for the Old York Road. 'But for now I fear I shall have to imbibe my beverages elsewhere. Good day to you.'  

 

 

Apostrophe criminals on the rampage in Wandsworth

Fears were rising last night that a generation of Wandsworth schoolchildren would grow up in a state of barbaric ignorance as mounting evidence emerged of wanton apostrophe crime throughout the borough.

 

Following an appeal on Twitter to its phalanx of devoted followers, WandsworthEye was veritably deluged with complaints about missing or extraneous apostrophes on shop signs across vast swathes of SW15, 17 and 18. Even premises under the tutelage of apparently educated middle-class people have been found wanting in their adherence to basic rules of English grammar. 'I can't believe these are mere slips of the pen,' said Bertram Crudd of Wandsworth Council's Apostrophe Inspectorate. 'This is deliberate, organised apostrophe crime on a massive scale.'

 

The Huguenot Rendezvous, prominently located on a key Wandsworth thoroughfare, was criticised by countless readers who contrasted its stylish interior and delicious products with the wilful abandon of its rampant apostrophe abuse.

'How shameful to display this in a public place,' commented housewife Kelly Twigg. 'Buses go past there all the time, and who knows how many passengers from other parts of London will now look down on Wandsworth as a result of this dreadful contempt for English grammar. Ugh.'

 

Also slammed was the Carers' Centre on Wandsworth High Street, where public information boards are sprinkled with apostrophes like hundreds and thousands on a fairy cake. Standing outside the much-loved community facility, leading educational psychologist Stacey Poles warned: 'If current apostrophe trends continue, by 2014 the average Wandsworth schoolchild will be reduced to the level of a primitive grunting animal, capable only of sending very simple text messages and posting status updates on Facebook.'

'I hesitate to say this because of the strict need for political impartiality, but it's all the fault of the Liberal Democrats,' Poles explained. 'How cunning they were, falsely promising to deal with the burgeoning apostrophe crisis before the last general election! But the minute they got their sticky little sandal-wearing fingers on power, that all went RIGHT out of the window. Oh yes. It's all come home to roost.'

 

But the strongest condemnation of all was reserved for a shop selling infants' clothing on the Upper Richmond Road. Passers by were speechless as they drew WandsworthEye's attention to this shocking and unparalleled example of apostrophe abuse.  

Clutching her weak heart and trembling with rage, frail pensioner Mabel Tweedy stormed: 'This is just beyond belief. And in front of children's eyes too! How could they do this to innocent apostrophes?'

 

There were signs last night that the government was preparing to intervene. A source close to Home Secretary Theresa May told WandsworthEye: 'Of course cutting the national deficit must take precedence - but once we've dealt with that, the coalition will make a massive crackdown on apostrophe crime a key priority. This is a bread-and-butter issue affecting the whole of south-west London, and ever-popular WandsworthEye is to be congratulated for campaigning on the subject with such vigour. If only all other news providers were as trenchant in their reportage as WandsworthEye.'