Thursday, 4 October 2012

Fury over LibDem machinations

Wandsworth was in uproar last night as further evidence emerged of heartless LibDem plotting to destroy the borough's cherished public services.
Much-loved WandsworthEye has long been subjecting the country's junior coalition partner to especially rigorous scrutiny, fearful of the baneful effects the Liberal Democrats are having on our troubled neighbourhood. In a matter of mere weeks, the unprincipled party of Clegg and Cable were found to be instrumental in a number of cruel local policy decisions including:
  • The heartless temporary closure of the Broomhill Road post box;
  • Massive funding cuts to the borough's cherished Apostrophe Helpline;
  • Complete disregard for the plight of threatened butterflies;
  • Persistent inaction in the face of the burgeoning tramp & vagabond crisis;
  • Refusal to tackle the National Opera Studio's medieval pigeon plague.
And in the latest bombshell to hit Wandsworth, the much-used westbound bus stop at Southside shopping centre has been arbitrarily closed to all services, without a moment's thought for local residents.
The forlorn closed bus stop at Southside
The bus stop, a key element of the borough's creaking transport infrastructure, is normally thronged day and night with passengers eager to board the popular 39 bus to Southfields, the 156 to Wimbledon and the N87 "drunkards' express" to Kingston. Its strategic position adjacent to Costa Coffee's unfurled parasols lends it an importance far beyond that of usual run-of-the-mill bus stops. But most crucially of all, the Southside bus stop is just yards away from WandsworthEye HQ - a vital community hub and cherished news service of national and international import.   
WandsworthEye can now exclusively reveal that the closure of the Southside bus stop - on spurious "roadworks" grounds - is in fact a cunning ruse by the Liberal Democrats to choke off the floods of visitors to WandsworthEye HQ in Chapel Yard.
Nick Clegg ordering the bus stop closure
Grainy pictures have come into the Eye's possession which clearly show LibDem leader Nick Clegg making crafty arrangements for the bus stop to be closed. As the photographer crept up unseen on the Deputy Prime Minister, Clegg was overheard saying: "That'll teach the Eye a lesson! Little do they know how much far-reaching influence I have over bus stops in south-west London! Ha ha ha!"
News of the latest LibDem machinations caused a furore in Wandsworth last night, with influential residents demanding the immediate restoration of bus services and a full LibDem apology to WandsworthEye.
Clutching her battered tartan shopping trolley, 85-year-old Mabel Gout wept as she said: "How am I supposed to get around as a frail pensioner when they close bus stops of such crucial importance to the local citizenry? It's just typical of the LibDems to close bus stops. I knew nothing good would ever come of letting them into the government." The Liberal Democrats did not return calls last night, but WandsworthEye can assure its phalanx of devoted readers that the battle to reopen this much-loved bus stop will continue with unrelenting vigour.
In the meantime, visitors to the Eye HQ in Chapel Yard are urged to alight at Wandsworth Town Hall and walk down the hill. An alternative option is to take the 87 bus to its terminus near the tramps' and vagabonds' bench at All Saints Church.

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