Saturday, 13 October 2012

Pensioners in peril on 'streets of terror'

Health and safety experts warned last night that frail Wandsworth pensioners would die in their thousands unless LibDem-inspired 'tactile strips' were removed from the borough's pedestrian crossings.  
The hated tactile strip at Clapham Junction 
WandsworthEye has long been at the forefront of the campaign against this hated and unnecessarily cumbersome addition to our street furniture. Installed overnight across the borough at the behest of the scheming Liberal Democrats, the costly tactile strips were justified by their proponents on the grounds that they guided pedestrians with diminished sight to safe road crossings. However a storm of protest soon ensued, with angry residents demanding compensation for their damaged footwear. "You only have to walk across one or two of those damned things and even the sturdiest leather brogues will be ruined for evermore," complained Colonel Hartley of the Campaign Against Tactile Terror.
A frail pensioner in danger
However the focus of concern was shifting last night to the welfare of the borough's much-loved frail pensioners. Speaking on the margins of an agenda-setting Regional Health & Safety Symposium, cloakroom attendant Chavetta Nkokmah said: "I too am becoming increasingly concerned about the profusion of tactile strips across the borough. It is surely only a matter of time before a vulnerable elderly person trips up on one of these ghastly excrescences and plunges to their death. And when that happens, mark my words, it'll be the Liberal Democrats who are to blame. If only people had listened to the wise words of WandsworthEye instead of to the siren voices of false prophets Clegg and Cable."   

As pensioners trembled in terror and the chorus of disapproval became ever louder this weekend, there were signs that a legal challenge could be mounted against the hated tactile strips. A spokesman for influential campaign group Wandsworth Wimmin raged: "It's all very well having studded pavements for the blind, but what about us wimmin? If Wandsworth Council doesn't immediately install special crossings for lesbians then I'm afraid we shall have to call in our lawyers."     

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