Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Eye repels dastardly attack on HQ! Mass arrests throughout the borough

Wandsworth was in lockdown last night following an audacious attempted burglary at Eye HQ on Chapel Yard. As frightened residents fled behind their John Lewis blinds, police made mass arrests throughout the borough and there was talk in some quarters of martial law being declared in parts of SW18.

The incident in question occurred at lunchtime on Monday as WandsworthEye's editor-in-chief was resting in bed following a long night of investigative probes into issues of national and international import. Suddenly, he was woken by a succession of loud thuds emanating from the passageway outside Eye HQ. Using sophisticated monitoring equipment including a cunningly hidden peephole, he discovered that a shaven-headed thug was attempting to kick down the door of the neighbouring property. He shouted boldly at the assailant who then fled the premises, and following a breathless 999 call police were on the scene within minutes.  

Enhanced security features at Eye HQ
As the security services began to round up all local scoundrels, ne'er-do-wells and antisocial elements, WandsworthEye took to Twitter to update the community and reassure its phalanx of devoted followers that the doughty and indomitable news service would continue undeterred. New security features were installed at the entrance to Eye HQ, including the unforgivingly lethal portcullis pictured to the left. 

"The Eye's opponents will be trembling in their beds tonight," warned a source close to the much-loved community portal. "The full force of the law will come down on the wicked, evil assailant who sought to bring terror to the heart of this close-knit neighbourhood."  

Meanwhile, friends and supporters of WandsworthEye condemned the dastardly attack and demanded the severest punishment for the intruder. Frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton said: "In my youth I was a proponent of liberal criminal justice policies, foolishly believing that criminals could be reformed through kindness. Now, however, I realise how mistaken I was. This shaven-headed thug should be dangled from a lamppost by his testicles while being thoroughly whipped by all and sundry."

Little Bo Peep 'a suspect too'
"We must all be on our guard now," warned mild-mannered Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, a near-neighbour of WandsworthEye. "Every uninvited visitor to Eye HQ will henceforth be treated with the utmost suspicion. Even if I come across Little Bo Peep in the hallway, I will pin her to the floor and smash her face into the ground. There will be no exceptions made whatsover, I'm afraid. What a shame that it all had to come to this."

Last night there was speculation that the intruder may have been seeking to steal apostrophes from WandsworthEye's secret emergency repository. "Let us remain vigilant," said a source close to the cherished community news service. "If you see any suspicious apostrophes in shop windows, please contact Eye HQ immediately."

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