Monday, 11 February 2013

Fears rise over 'sinister' cafe

Official investigators launched a major probe last night as bewildered residents voiced fears over 'sinister' activities at the new coffee shop on Wandsworth High Street. Adjacent to the much-loved 220 bus stop, and just a stone's throw from WandsworthEye HQ, the plush establishment has been open for business since the New Year - yet it still has no sign above the premises.

The sinister establishment
"Whatever do they sell there?" wondered frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton as she trundled past the nameless cafe with her tartan shopping trolley. "I'm always on the lookout for bargain-basement cat food and custard creams." But her companion Mabel Drearie was less sanguine. "They'll be up to no good," she ventured. "Behind the cunning guise of a harmless cafe, it will undoubtedly be a secret headquarters for Mormons or Liberal Democrats, or something of that ilk." Glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette had a different view altogether. "Shops without names tend to sell embarrassing things," she pointed out. "Like whips and dildos. So good to see Ann Summers getting a run for its money in the heart of SW18."

A much-praised rival

A source close to Wandsworth Council's Retail Signage Inspectorate revealed that the department had been deluged with calls from anxious residents since the sinister cafe's opening. "Our inspectors will be paying them a visit shortly," said Signage Inspector-General Albert Oddbod. "We have grave doubts over whether the establishment is fully compliant with EU signage regulations. If they want some inspiration they should look across the road at Toast. Now there's a cafe with a proper name, following best practice in all matters pertaining to signage. You know what you're getting at Toast. A nice organic brioche delicately scattered with Fair Trade poppy seeds." 

Last night there was speculation, however, that the nameless cafe was merely taking its time to ensure correct apostrophe placement. A source close to the establishment admitted: "The sign was ready months ago, but we are hesitant about displaying it as our knowledge of apostrophe usage is somewhat shaky. We are well aware that we trade within the domain and purview of cherished community stalwart WandsworthEye, and tremble at the thought that we might incur its displeasure."

The Eye can exclusively reveal that the establishment's proposed name is TEA'S AND COFFEE'S.

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