Sunday, 20 January 2013

Snow plunges borough into catastrophe

The borough of Wandsworth was teetering on the brink of catastrophe today after several minutes of snowfall caused transport havoc, disrupted key supermarket supply chains and forced thousands of residents to stay at home listening to Kim Wilde's Secret Songs on Magic FM.

Patrons in peril under Costa sunshades
Amid Arctic temperatures of -1C and snowdrifts of up to 3cm, everyday life quickly ground to a halt across the borough. In a day of fast-moving developments, the emergency services rushed to the Southside branch of Costa Coffee, where only two sunshades had been unfurled this morning. Health & safety officials advised customers: "If there is no room under the parasols, please  shelter under the clothing that is habitually strewn over the floors of TK Maxx."  

Borough "will starve to death"
Meanwhile fears were rising that the entire population of Wandsworth would starve to death as supermarket shelves rapidly emptied. Frail pensioners Ethel Dumpton and Mabel Drearie were in tears as they surveyed the bleak scene at Garratt Lane Sainsburys. "I came in for some custard creams and tins of cat food," Dumpton explained. "But all they had left was a tin of own-brand baked beans and some manky potatoes. I think I'm going to give Meals on Wheels a call..."

WandsworthEye's much-loved Twitter feed was being avidly followed all day as worried residents turned to the Eye for accurate and impartial information about the unfolding crisis. Housewife Henrietta Harpington spoke for many when she said: "What with the helicopter crash, the ongoing tramp & vagabond crisis and now all this snowfall too, Wandsworth is scarcely ever out of the news. Thank heavens for WandsworthEye, whose timely reportage is of such a higher quality than rival community news services such as @WandsworthSW18."

No comments:

Post a Comment