Tuesday, 25 June 2013

Ugly council flats 'should be bulldozed down'

Calls were mounting last night for the high-rise council flats above Southside shopping centre to be razed to the ground. Residents from across central Wandsworth pleaded with the council to expunge the unsightly eyesore from its prominent site towering over the neighbourhood. 

The unsightly council block looms over Wandsworth
The controversial edifice was erected many decades ago, in a now almost forgotten era of wanton profligacy and leftwing social engineering. Constructed using the costliest, most sumptuous building materials, the towering monstrosity was soon chock-full of lottery winners, single mothers and tearaway children. "I remember when it was brand spanking new," reminisced frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton. "Mr Gladstone himself came to cut the ribbon, accompanied by his wife Queen Victoria."   

Artist's impression of the site post-demolition
However in recent years a growing coalition of angry local residents has been lobbying to have the hated carbuncle removed from its looming position in the heart of our treasured borough. Leading campaigner Selfridgia Aliceband explained: "It's all very well having a Sabichi and a Waitrose in the shopping mall, but a block crammed full of council people really lowers the tone of the neighbourhood. It should be bulldozed down forthwith."

Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above one of the more exclusive chicken shops on Wandsworth High Street, wholeheartedly agreed. "Only the other day my neighhour's darling little son, Mungo Parker-Bicyclette, was beaten up by yobbos from the council flats as he rode to prep school. We really ought to put these people somewhere else - for example, in Swansea or in Kettering."

Last night architects were preparing a blueprint for the future of the disputed site. One option, pictured above, involves the complete bulldozing of the 24-storey tower and its transformation into a privately-run tourist attraction provisionally called The Council Flat Experience

Other possibilities floated by developers include the construction of a high-security prison for violent, dangerous Liberal Democrats. "We really can't have them running around in the community any longer," explained one source close to the authorities. "The sooner all remaining LibDems are locked up the better. Thank goodness for trenchant local news blog WandsworthEye, without whom the wicked machinations of the junior coalition partner would go unpunished."


  1. Demolition can never happen as Lufthansa uses the flats to line up its approach to London Heathrow

  2. Interesting. Maybe the efficient German airline could use the domed roof of Clapham Junction Debenhams as a trusty navigation aid instead?