Monday, 3 June 2013

Flip-flop-wearing LibDems 'bring shame on the borough'

Wandsworth's hard-earned reputation as a centre of fashion second only to Milan and Chigwell took a severe knock today as the sunshine tempted men onto the borough's streets in flimsy, frivolous flip-flops.

Hairy toes, pasty legs and unattractive bunions were on full display as Wandsworth's once stylish male inhabitants threw caution to the wind and donned foolishly inappropriate beachwear as they went about their daily business.

Inappropriate beachwear on the streets of southwest London

"Liberal Democrats in particular tend to favour this disastrous look," commented glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette, who first came to prominence as a fashion adviser to Ann Widdecombe. "But now even the tramps and vagabonds wear them," she said. "One simply despairs."

'Bring back standards of decency and decorum!'

Frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton  was also full of trenchant criticism, raging: "It was never like this during the war. People had standards of decency and decorum then. Oh, bring back the days when Gladstone and Mrs Thatcher ruled - you would never have had people in flip-flops then."

There were calls last night for the police to forbid the wearing of sandals, flip-flops and other unappealing footwear on the streets of SW18. Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above a chicken shop on Wandsworth High Street, heartily agreed. "Imagine all the squelchy things that get caught between their toes as the LibDem flip-flop-wearers promenade up and down the major thoroughfares," she said, shuddering. 

'Tread on their toes! That'll serve them right!'
"Bits of discarded fried chicken; slowly coagulating piles of vomit outside the Grand Union; pigeon droppings from the National Opera Studio; mank and detritus strewn across the neighbourhood by shameless tramps and vagabonds. How filthy those benighted people's feet must be!"

As WandsworthEye led the campaign to ban all frivolous beachwear from the streets of our beloved municipality, unrepentant flip-flop-wearer Ronaldo Mincing-Bottomley vowed: "I shall take this matter to the European Court of Human Rights without further ado."

WandsworthEye hereby calls on all right-thinking citizens to deliberately tread on the toes of urban flip-flop-wearers until they cease their wanton, wicked ways. Long live modest apparel!

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