Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Messy Bulgarian gypsies 'already causing mayhem in Wandsworth'

There were mounting fears of mayhem on the streets of Wandsworth tonight as reports came in of the first Bulgarian and Romanian gypsies arriving in the borough. According to well-placed sources, "at least half a dozen" greedy eastern Europeans were spotted landing at Luton airport this morning with suitcases stuffed full of severed goats' heads and lucky heather. "There's no doubt at all that some of them could potentially be heading for Wandsworth High Street," said a Daily Express journalist as he carefully prepared his calm, measured, non-judgmental report for tomorrow's Special Souvenir Edition. "In no time at all, messy Bulgarian gypsies will be taking all our jobs, claiming every last penny of our benefits, and causing house prices to plummet and frail elderly people to have fatal heart attacks. And they'll drop litter everywhere too."

A typical Bulgarian gypsy threatens families on Wandsworth High Street
Here in Wandsworth, fearful residents barricaded themselves into their homes as word came of the first Bulgarian crones to set foot in the once respectable streets of SW18. "I definitely saw one just get off the 170 bus," said Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above one of the borough's better chicken shops. "She was speaking in a strange foreign accent, but I'm sure I heard her mutter under her breath that she was determined to ruthlessly milk the UK benefits system, have lots of elective surgery at NHS hospitals and keep smelly animals in her back yard to the consternation of all her neighbours. Oh WandsworthEye, what shall we do?"

Litter 'bound to have been dropped by foreigners'
As fears rose of apocalyptic community meltdown, local religious leaders pleaded for calm. The Reverend Benny Savile, chairman of the Anti-Lust Alliance, said: "Despite the severed goats' heads and the lucky heather, these poor people are just like you and me. Let us all welcome them into the bosom of our community. Take your lead from WandsworthEye, whose tweets have long been famed for their wisdom and tolerance."

Frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer reminisced: "It's just like the war, when all them Huguenots came over from Switzerland. I remember it like it were yesterday. William Gladstone was Queen, and custard creams cost thruppence ha'penny a baker's dozen in Frobisher's Grocery Emporium. Now they're £10.99 a packet at the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's. Eee, I don't know how I cope on me pension anymore..."

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