Tuesday, 4 February 2014


There was outrage on the streets of Wandsworth last night as angry residents demanded that the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's rescind a brutal 9.1% hike in the price of own-brand fig rolls. The much-loved teatime treats, which had been on sale for 55p a packet, now cost an astonishing 60p, putting them well beyond the meagre budgets of frugal pensioners.

"For many vulnerable OAPs, this will be the final blow," warned Millicent Bumbleberry of Wandsworth Age Concern. "Their choice is now a bleak but simple one: to eat fig rolls, or to heat their homes. They can no longer do both at these hyperinflationary prices."

Sainsbury's much-loved teatime treats 'now too costly for pensioners'

Kindly WandsworthEye, always a doughty champion of consumer rights, intervened at an early stage in the burgeoning controversy. But to no avail. A Sainsbury's minion writing under the pseudonym "Natalie" callously brushed aside the Eye's concerns and instead referred the influential community leader to a dreary page of corporate propaganda.

Callous "Natalie" of Sainsbury's breezily brushes aside the Eye's concerns

A spokesman for WandsworthEye commented: "The notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's has already provoked the ire of the neighbourhood on more than one occasion. First it was Soviet-style empty shelves over Christmas, then the introduction of demented escalator safety announcements, and now Weimar Republic-style fig roll prices. Truly there is no end to their devious machinations." 

A source close to Sainsbury's was quoted last night suggesting that thrifty pensioners could purchase cheaper own-brand custard creams instead. "Much better for the digestion," the insider revealed. 

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