Sunday, 13 April 2014

Residents praise 'thoughtful, selfless' Santander

Wandsworth residents were celebrating last night after Santander's newly opened High Street branch promised to continue dumping vast containers of rancid rubbish behind the bank on Chapel Yard.

Santander's much-praised Wandsworth branch

The much-loved financial institution's arrival in the borough earlier this year was heralded as a sign that Wandsworth would soon be rivalling the City of London and Canary Wharf in terms of financial prowess. Smart young men in pin-striped suits were seen marching to work every morning, and later quaffing costly glasses of champagne in the exclusive Spread Eagle pub as they celebrated their six-figure bonuses.

And in an indication that Santander had only the community's very best interests at heart, the bank started to leave enormous overflowing containers of rubbish from the branch in Chapel Yard, just a stone's throw from Eye HQ in the very heart of the borough.

Santander rubbish 'attractively displayed'

Ungrateful local residents who asked Santander to remove the filthy mess next to their homes were rewarded with a special handwritten card from Branch Manager Sandra Hart, who spoke of her deep sorrow at the negative reaction to the bank's "wast bins" in Chapel Yard.

Deep sorrow over wast bins

But frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer was the embarrassed victim of a misunderstanding as she hobbled into the branch to complain. "I almost fell over them bins as I was on me way to buy cat food and custard creams from Frobisher's Grocery Emporium," she explained. "So I went in the bank and gave 'em a right telling off. But imagine how shame-faced I was when the kindly manager told me them bins was a display of trendy modern art, generously sponsored by Santander."

Last night community figures were queuing up to praise Santander's thoughtful, selfless deeds. Octavia Belle-Wether, chair of the Pretty Wandsworth Committee, said: "These installations may look like great big piles of rotting rubbish to ordinary folk, but you and I know that what we have here is something to rival the Bankside Tate, the Guggenheim and even - dare I say it - the touching displays of children's artwork at Southside Shopping Centre. Hurrah for Santander for beautifying this once grim, menacing neighbourhood."

A source close to Santander explained that the bank was keen to give something back to the community among whom it toiled. "Our managers have similar art installations in their gardens," she explained. "We really felt it was unfair for high-flying Santander executives such as Ms Hart to live in leafy luxury, while inner city folk were doomed to dwell among discarded chicken nugget cartons and the like." 

A typical Santander manager's back garden 

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