Saturday, 3 May 2014

Ukraine crisis spreads to Wandsworth

  • UN Security Council 'in emergency session'
  • Reports of street fighting across Roehampton
  • Garratt Lane Sainsbury's 'running out of baked beans'

In a dramatic escalation of the Ukraine crisis, there were reports last night of pro-Russian separatists storming community buildings in outlying districts of Wandsworth, close to the much-loved borough's disputed borders with Lambeth, Merton and Richmond. The UN Security Council was said to be 'in emergency session' as world leaders including Barack Obama, Angela Merkel and WandsworthEye appealed for calm. But President Putin condemned preparations for the borough council elections on May 22 as "a farce" and vowed he would not hesitate to step in to protect Russia's interests if LibDem supporters were prevented from casting their vote.    

Pro-Russian militiamen marching through the streets of Roehampton

Observers on the ground said the crisis reached Wandsworth late on Friday night after drunken youths ransacked a chicken nugget shop on Roehampton's plush main shopping parade. "The owner picked up the phone and called Moscow, and minutes later burly men clad in combat gear and balaclavas appeared on the streets with sub-machine guns," explained one local. Shortly afterwards the JobCentre, housing benefit office and headquarters of Roehampton UKIP were stormed by pro-Russian separatists. "It were pandemonium," said frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton as she peeped nervously through her net curtains. "I'll never get out now to buy me cat food and custard creams."

Harrowing scenes of devastation at Tooting Broadway

Within hours the street-fighting had spread to other less salubrious parts of the borough, including North Battersea and Tooting Broadway. Residents in the more upmarket Wandsworth Town area flocked to the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's to stock up on emergency provisions. "We well remember the Eye's wise advice during the height of last year's terrifying North Korean crisis," said housewife Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, clutching a basket of tinned tuna and toilet tissue. "With those horrid Russians running amok throughout the borough it is best to be prepared for all eventualities."  

President Putin directs operations in SW18 from his Moscow lair

As fearful residents rushed to their bunkers, WandsworthEye's Government-in-waiting met at Eye HQ in Chapel Yard for top-level discussions. In a statement issued late last night, the much-loved community watchdog and Sentinel of SW18 said: "The Eye, the Deputy Eye, the Assistant Deputy Eye, the Eye Political Consultant and Eye Spokesperson for Women's Issues demand the immediate removal of Russian troops from the streets of Tooting, though they are perfectly welcome to maintain order in Roehampton. In fact, Russia can just have Roehampton. Would Moscow like a generous IMF loan to help finance its occupation? All can be arranged." 

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