Tuesday, 8 September 2015

Corbyn 'will seize power and destroy the borough'

Middle-class families were anxiously packing their Volvos and preparing to flee the borough last night as rumours spread of an imminent Corbyn coup.

Jeremy Corbyn: sinister socialist

The hated leftwinger, currently hot favourite to win the Labour leadership contest, was preparing to seize power after a 'March on Westminster', sources said.

'Yes he's definitely going to launch a coup d'├ętat,' said one Labour insider. 'On the night of his election he plans to put on his blazer, lead a battalion of crazed Marxist militiamen to Buckingham Palace, arrest the Queen and dissolve Parliament. From there he plans to march on Wandsworth Town Hall and depose much-loved Council Leader Ravi Govindia. Corbyn has long viewed Wandsworth as a vipers' nest of Tory evil.'

News of the bearded leftie's sinister plot spread like wildfire through the borough's leafy streets. Glamorous socialite Selfridgia Aliceband could be seen filling her 4x4 with hampers stuffed with quails' eggs; and frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton rushed to the shops to fill her trolley with cat food and custard creams. 'When that Attlee gets in he'll destroy the welfare state,' she predicted. 'There'll be nowt left for the likes of me. It'll be just like during the war.'

Hated leftwinger 'will nationalise much-loved Sainsbury's'

Speculation was rife last night that the militant menace would move ruthlessly to nationalise much-loved shopping emporia such as the Garratt Lane Sainsbury's. Sources close to the new Wandsworth Debenhams were also trembling with fear. 'He'll turn us into a Soviet-style workers' co-operative before we've even opened,' said one store bigwig. 'We'll be forced to hold Blue Cross sales every week of the year, instead of having honest transparent prices that people can rely on.'

Trusted Debenhams 'could go Soviet'

Last night Wandsworth Eye convened an emergency meeting of the Eye Cabinet. A statement from Eye HQ urged the borough to remain calm but vigilant in the face of the 'unprecedented' leftwing threat. 'If bearded socialists attempt to gain entry to the borough, our middle-class militia will send them packing!' the Eye statement warned. 'Be steadfast and continue to shop at Waitrose!'


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