Saturday, 13 June 2015

Fears for Eye Secretary as 'stinky' chicken shop prepares to open

Eye Secretary @sarahbowen74 wept last night as the opening of a 'stinky' Chicken Cottage outlet opposite her plush London townhouse threatened to plunge the neighbourhood into the abyss.

The much-loved Eye Secretary Without Portfolio & Eye Spokesperson for Health, Social Care & Women's Issues was said to be "on the brink of despair" ahead of the opening of the hated fast-food emporium in her leafy lane.

Much-loved Eye Sec

Amid predictions of an upsurge in stabbings and sullen youths openly displaying their stolen luxury underwear, the Eye Secretary tweeted forlornly: "I can cope with the pants, but have my hands full as it is with my Poles. never rains but it pours!"
Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest, a neighbour of the Eye Secretary's, also voiced her concern. "The prospect of all those strapping youths flocking to our quiet residential neighbourhood fills me with apprehension. However I've heard some very good things about Chicken Cottage, and I'm inclined to spend much of my time there from now on." 

Sullen youths
Frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer was also highly critical of the planned nugget emporium. "What we need here is a nice Lyon's Corner House," she said. "Them used to be the days. We had tripe and corned beef sarnies 'n all. Then they closed them all down when Queen Victoria came to the throne and it all went downhill from there."
Last night the influential Eye Cabinet was rallying round. In a statement issued from Eye HQ in Chapel Yard, WandsworthEye said: "On no account must sullen urban youths be permitted to spread their menace in the environs of the Eye Secretary. If only the Liberal Democrats were still in government, this would never have happened." 

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