Friday, 9 June 2017

DUP rule 'will bring godly ways to Wandsworth'

SINNERS across the borough trembled last night as hardline DUP leader Arlene Foster prepared for crucial coalition talks with Theresa May and warned of a 'crusade against vice' if a deal on a new government was reached.

DUP leader Arlene Foster 'in crusade against vice and sin'

Thursday's inconclusive general election result has put the much-feared Democratic Unionist Party in pole position to determine the moral direction of the next government, and Mrs Foster has been quick to insist on far-reaching anti-sin legislation in the Queen's Speech.

A source close to the feisty crusader said: 'For too long sordid and ungodly practices have held sway in Wandsworth. Only the DUP can put family values back at the heart of the borough.'

Loyalist marching band on Wandsworth High Street

As loyalist marching bands paraded down Wandsworth High Street, fearful residents voiced concern that their liberal lifestyles would be at risk under the new ultra-right administration. Sixteen-year-old Chavetta Nkokmah wept as she said: 'I loved Nathan off in the back of the bus last night, yeah. Dem DUP bruvs gonna tell us we can't do dat no more, yeah. Gonna be major probs wiv dat yeah.'

Last night the DUP's ultra-hardline Home Affairs Spokesman, Reverend Benny Saville, announced he would be seeking the establishment of a Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, along Saudi Arabian lines. Warning Wandsworth's citizens to banish lustful thoughts from their minds, he said: 'The DUP will ensure that all centres of vice are subjected to the most rigorous probe. Fiscal and moral rectitude will be the order of the day when the new DUP-led administration brings its godly ways to the borough.'

'Den of iniquity' - the much-loved Spread Eagle 

Wandsworth Eye has learned that DUP circles are reportedly preparing a hitlist of 'dens of iniquity' in the borough that will be closed down when Reverend Saville becomes Home Secretary. The much-loved Spread Eagle pub, the men's changing room at Putney Leisure Centre and the Patisserie Valerie in the Southside branch of Debenhams are all said to be targets of the Ulsterman's moral fervour. 

'Ooh it'll be just like the war again,' said frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton. 'They closed down the Clapham Grand when a sailor pinched me bottom at a tea dance one afternoon. Ooh them were the days...'

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