Tuesday, 23 January 2018


  • Princess Eugenie to wed hunky Jack at Wandsworth Town Hall
  • Queen said to be "delighted" over plush choice of venue
  • Greggs and Iceland vie for lavish catering contract

RED, WHITE AND BLUE bunting was going up across the borough last night following yesterday's magical news that much-loved Princess Eugenie is to wed her handsome boyfriend Jack Brooksbank at Wandsworth Town Hall this autumn.

Eugenie, second daughter of popular Prince Andrew and highly respected Sarah, Duchess of York, told Wandsworth Radio in an exclusive interview that 31-year-old Jack had proposed to her late one night on the romantic top deck of the 156 bus to Vauxhall.

"We was comin' back from Chicken Cottage, yeah," explained Eugenie. "It was well wicked on da bus yeah. All of a sudden Jack got down on his knees yeah. Me was thinking he's looking for his chicken yeah. But he said he wants get married yeah. So we's gonna do it down the town hall yeah. Wicked, yeah."

As the Brighter Borough erupted into royal joy and patriotic fervour last night, a source close to Gregg's in Southside confirmed that the much-loved food-to-go emporium was vying with upmarket rival Iceland for the lucrative wedding catering contract.

"This may seem unusual," the source conceded, "but Wandsworth Council is well-known for its tight fiscal probity. On no account would they fritter away hardworking taxpayers' money on lavish fare from Marks & Spencer, Waitrose and the like. So Gregg's and its Value Range are the ideal corporate partner for this event of national significance."

As Buckingham Palace sources whispered that Her Majesty was "over the moon" at the plush arrangements for Eugenie's wedding, praise was flooding in for Wandsworth Eye, whose benevolent intervention was credited with sealing the deal.

"These days the Eye only has to raise an eyebrow, and all is done as he commands," a source close to Wandsworth Town Hall explained. "Gone are the days when we in the Brighter Borough listened to Theresa May and her Brexit henchmen."

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