Stunning victory for Eye's apostrophe crusade!

Apostrophe watchdogs and other right-minded folk were celebrating on the streets of Wandsworth last night after Southside shopping centre apologised for an apostrophe crime which shook the entire borough to its core. 

In a major victory for WandsworthEye's much-praised crusade against apostrophe misuse, representatives of the glittering shopping emporium acknowledged the widespread pain their grammatical incontinence had induced. And there are now signs that Southside will step up work on the planned new Debenhams department store in the new year as a gesture of contrition.

Southside - scene of a shocking apostrophe crime

The row erupted shortly before Christmas, when ever-vigilant WandsworthEye spotted a heinous apostrophe crime cunningly hidden  away in Southside's corporate Twitter feed. "Who said January's were gloomy?" the shameless mall asked - single-handedly laying waste to decades of hard work by the nation's English teachers.

WandsworthEye immediately sprang into action, denouncing the "imbeciles" responsible for this wanton linguistic vandalism. As fury mounted across the borough, the Eye's injunction went viral and was retweeted twice by its phalanx of devoted followers. And then, in a stunning expression of contrition, Southside's corporate Twitter feed released the following comprehensive statement: "I was only trying to help :-( "

However local apostrophe campaigners were unimpressed. "This kind of behaviour cannot go unpunished," said Chantelle M. of Roehampton Apostrophe Action. "To sprinkle extraneous apostrophes around the borough like confetti is unforgiveable at a time of economic austerity. Moreover research has conclusively found that the overuse of apostrophes is directly linked to global warming. Thank heavens for WandsworthEye, without whom the next generation of children would grow up in ignorance."

Matters finally came to a head when the Eye alluded to Southside's major expansion plans in its next tweet: "@SouthsideSW18 is forgiven its wicked apostrophe crime if it can hurry up and build that snazzy new Debenhams," the borough's consumer champion declared.

And in a major triumph for WandsworthEye, Southside immediately responded: "Leave it with me. I'll see what I can do."

There were scenes of celebration on Garratt Lane last night as jubilant crowds held an impromptu street party in the pouring rain and waited eagerly by the vast construction site for the imminent opening of Wandsworth's lavish new department store. "I thought I'd get here nice and early," explained OAP Ethel Dumpton. "I wonder if they'll stock cat food and custard creams in that posh new Debenhams? I'm only a frail pensioner, I can't afford nuffing else."

As the year drew to a close there were fears, however, that celebrations could be marred by the actions of the hated Apostrophe Liberation Front, who threatened to release apostrophes in random attacks across the borough - even in front of children. "Vigilance must still be the order of the day," warned a source close to WandsworthEye. "Let us all join forces to protect our cherished community against the depredations of apostrophe criminals."

Chicken nugget yobs plunge neighbourhood into 'nightmare of despair'

Wandsworth families abandoned their Christmas celebrations last night after the opening of yet another fast food outlet plunged the neighbourhood into 'a nightmare of dark despair'. Residents looked on in disbelief as 110 Wandsworth High Street opened its doors to tracksuit-wearing hooligans with a menu offering smelly chicken nuggets, chips, kebabs and other rancid fodder of that ilk. "I'm practically speechless," said Tamara Parker-Bicyclette as she hurried daughter Timpani along to her clavichord lesson. "What we needed on the High Street was a nice little Waitrose or mini-Selfridges. Even a Cath Kidston or a Fat Face would have been perfectly alright. But yet more manky working-class yuck-food? Ugh."

Extra-wide door for fat customers

William's chicken, pizza, kebab and fish & chip emporium features a specially wide door to enable fat customers to drive their extra-large mobility scooters in and out to their hearts' delight - all while clutching vast stacks of artery-clogging junk food. Needless to say, the surrounding streets are already awash with litter as wicked chicken nugget yobs toss their discarded containers onto the pavement. "It's now become practically impossible to walk down the road without having to climb over mountains of junk food debris," complained Colonel Hartley of Tunbridge Wells, who is currently holidaying in the borough. "Now some might blame the parents, but I don't. I blame the Liberal Democrats, who have led this country down the path to ruin ever since they winkled their wicked way into government back in 2010. God how I hate them."

Last night residents were gathering at public rallies across the borough, demanding the complete banning of chicken nugget outlets, tracksuit bottoms and Liberal Democrats. There were tears in the eyes of some elderly demonstrators as they reminisced about the days before the LibDem menace began. "It was all Lyons Corner Houses then," said Henrietta Harpington as she dabbed her runny nose in the cold. "You had waitresses with aprons, and everything was spick and span. But then the Liberal Democrats got in, and the whole country became overrun by lesbians, paedophiles and asylum seekers. No wonder people are driven to eating chicken nuggets."

WandsworthEye wishes its phalanx of devoted followers a Merry Christmas despite the ongoing chicken nugget terror, and reminds readers to donate generously to tramps' and vagabonds' charities at this festive time of year.

Tramps, vagabonds and asylum seekers 'desecrating Christmas tree'

At this joyous time of year, cherubs' faces light up when they pass the resplendent Christmas tree on Wandsworth High Street. Visitors from far and wide flock to SW18 to admire the lavishly decorated fir, bedecked with a veritable cascade of glittering lights. But fears were rising last night that this much-loved festive fixture could fall victim to the cunning depredations of tramps, vagabonds and even asylum-seekers.

The Yuletide tree in all its splendour

The lovely tree, clearly visible from WandsworthEye HQ high above the rooftops of southwest London, was erected over the weekend as wintry weather held sway across the borough. Lusty carol-singing could be heard from adjacent All Saints Church. However just a stone's throw away lie the notorious tramps' and vagabonds' benches where - on sunny days - cider-swigging gentlemen of a certain age can be seen holding court. "It's only a matter of time before they lay waste to the Christmas tree," warned one source close to the Wandsworth branch of UKIP. "In fact I'm sure I already saw them plundering the branches of baubles, in connivance with escaped detained asylum-seekers." 

'Only a matter of time' before T&V raid

Colonel Hartley of Tunbridge Wells, currently holidaying in the borough, remarked: "What a splendid tree. But I would caution against placing it in such close proximity to known centres of T&V activity. People of their ilk are unlikely to leave this festive treat unscathed. Moreover, the Christmas tree is so easily reached from sinister Roehampton on the 170 bus. Tracksuit-wearing single mothers will soon be ravaging the tree, snatching trinkets off the branches to exchange for sordid cigarettes and lottery tickets. Ugh."

There was general agreement last night on the streets of Wandsworth that the much-loved Christmas tree would soon be damaged beyond repair. "Astonishing, this moral collapse since the Liberal Democrats got into power," commented Reverend Benny Savile of the Anti-Lust Alliance. "If only people had listened to WandsworthEye, whose trenchant commentaries are proving ever more timely."  

Call for vigilance as water found at swimming pool

Staff at Putney Leisure Centre were horrified last night to discover treacherous wet floors in the vicinity of the swimming pool. As fears mounted of accidents by the dozen, managers ordered bright yellow warning signs to be moved into position at key poolside locations and around the showers, toilets and changing rooms.

Displayed in the nick of time

An insider at the much-loved leisure emporium explained: "A member of the public came running to the front desk at around 1600 hours. He had just come out of the swimming pool, was about to take off his dripping wet Speedos, and suddenly noticed perilous drops of water on the floor beneath him. Our staff rushed to the scene immediately and activated the Leisure Centre's health & safety contingency plan. The entire area was roped off and warning signs placed at strategic intervals. We must stress that Putney Leisure Centre continues to be a safe and welcoming environment for all the family, but vigilance must be the order of the day until every last drop of water has been identified and removed."

A spokesman for the Regional Health & Safety Inspectorate praised Putney Leisure Centre's timely actions. "This is a good example of best practice," said Inspector-General Albert Eagerly. "Staff and customers would have been in grave peril had the wet floors not been properly signposted. Frail pensioners would have slipped over and broken their last remaining bones; pregnant mothers would have plummeted cruelly to their deaths; and innocent children would have slipped on the wetness and been taken advantage of by cunning paedophiles. I shudder to think of all the chilling consequences of inaction."

The Spanish ambassador also intervened to praise Putney Leisure Centre for including "wet floor" warnings in Spanish. "This is most kind of the English authorities," he said. "We in Spain are not well-acquainted with the properties of water, and most of our people would have expected arid conditions to prevail at a swimming pool. Thanks to these useful and informative warning signs, however, we now know better."  

Call to truncate 'working class' bus

Middle-class families are pleading with London Buses to alter the route of the much-hated 170 bus so that it no longer serves the sinister and notorious council estate at Roehampton. Leading local residents want the controversial service to be truncated at well-to-do Putney Heath so that they no longer have to travel in the same vehicle as lesser folk from the borough's poverty-stricken periphery.  
 

The hated 170 bus besieged by reckless yobs

The 170 bus has long played a crucial role in the borough's multifarious transport infrastructure. Beginning its long journey at Victoria station, it serves some of the most exclusive neighbourhoods of Chelsea, Battersea Village and Putney Heath. However rather than terminating by the heathside like most normal buses, the 170 controversially continues to Roehampton - a ghetto-like area plagued by violent disorder and yobbery. As a result, middle-class passengers are all too often confronted with distasteful scenes, as tracksuit-wearing single mothers jostle their way onto the crowded bus armed with Poundland carrier bags and cartons crammed full of smelly chicken nuggets.

 

 

 

 

Middle-class passengers trembling in fear

 

"The situation has become completely untenable," complained Selfridgia Aliceband as she hurried her daughter Timpani along to clavichord practice. "One does one's bit for the environment by taking the bus, and is veritably forced to travel with all these manky people. Why can't they have their own separate bus to take them to and from Poundland and the chicken nugget emporium?" 

 

Colonel Hartley of Tunbridge Wells, currently holidaying in the borough, echoed her thoughts. "I have to say I am shocked that buses used by respectable middle-class families are deliberately routed into festering centres of crime and antisocial behaviour. This would not happen in Tunbridge Wells. But then again - it is just typical of the way the Liberal Democrats have ruined this country since they got their hands on power. If only people had listened to WandsworthEye, whose trenchant and stentorian voice has been urging vigilance against LibDem excesses from the very outset."

 

 

Pensioners in peril on 'streets of terror'

Health and safety experts warned last night that frail Wandsworth pensioners would die in their thousands unless LibDem-inspired 'tactile strips' were removed from the borough's pedestrian crossings.  

 

The hated tactile strip at Clapham Junction 

WandsworthEye has long been at the forefront of the campaign against this hated and unnecessarily cumbersome addition to our street furniture. Installed overnight across the borough at the behest of the scheming Liberal Democrats, the costly tactile strips were justified by their proponents on the grounds that they guided pedestrians with diminished sight to safe road crossings. However a storm of protest soon ensued, with angry residents demanding compensation for their damaged footwear. "You only have to walk across one or two of those damned things and even the sturdiest leather brogues will be ruined for evermore," complained Colonel Hartley of the Campaign Against Tactile Terror.

 

 

 

A frail pensioner in danger

 

However the focus of concern was shifting last night to the welfare of the borough's much-loved frail pensioners. Speaking on the margins of an agenda-setting Regional Health & Safety Symposium, cloakroom attendant Chavetta Nkokmah said: "I too am becoming increasingly concerned about the profusion of tactile strips across the borough. It is surely only a matter of time before a vulnerable elderly person trips up on one of these ghastly excrescences and plunges to their death. And when that happens, mark my words, it'll be the Liberal Democrats who are to blame. If only people had listened to the wise words of WandsworthEye instead of to the siren voices of false prophets Clegg and Cable."   

As pensioners trembled in terror and the chorus of disapproval became ever louder this weekend, there were signs that a legal challenge could be mounted against the hated tactile strips. A spokesman for influential campaign group Wandsworth Wimmin raged: "It's all very well having studded pavements for the blind, but what about us wimmin? If Wandsworth Council doesn't immediately install special crossings for lesbians then I'm afraid we shall have to call in our lawyers."     



Fury over LibDem machinations

Wandsworth was in uproar last night as further evidence emerged of heartless LibDem plotting to destroy the borough's cherished public services.

 

Much-loved WandsworthEye has long been subjecting the country's junior coalition partner to especially rigorous scrutiny, fearful of the baneful effects the Liberal Democrats are having on our troubled neighbourhood. In a matter of mere weeks, the unprincipled party of Clegg and Cable were found to be instrumental in a number of cruel local policy decisions including:

• The heartless temporary closure of the Broomhill Road post box;
• Massive funding cuts to the borough's cherished Apostrophe Helpline;
• Complete disregard for the plight of threatened butterflies;
• Persistent inaction in the face of the burgeoning tramp & vagabond crisis;
• Refusal to tackle the National Opera Studio's medieval pigeon plague.

 

And in the latest bombshell to hit Wandsworth, the much-used westbound bus stop at Southside shopping centre has been arbitrarily closed to all services, without a moment's thought for local residents.

The forlorn closed bus stop at Southside

 

The bus stop, a key element of the borough's creaking transport infrastructure, is normally thronged day and night with passengers eager to board the popular 39 bus to Southfields, the 156 to Wimbledon and the N87 "drunkards' express" to Kingston. Its strategic position adjacent to Costa Coffee's unfurled parasols lends it an importance far beyond that of usual run-of-the-mill bus stops. But most crucially of all, the Southside bus stop is just yards away from WandsworthEye HQ - a vital community hub and cherished news service of national and international import.   

 

WandsworthEye can now exclusively reveal that the closure of the Southside bus stop - on spurious "roadworks" grounds - is in fact a cunning ruse by the Liberal Democrats to choke off the floods of visitors to WandsworthEye HQ in Chapel Yard.

 

Nick Clegg ordering the bus stop closure

Grainy pictures have come into the Eye's possession which clearly show LibDem leader Nick Clegg making crafty arrangements for the bus stop to be closed. As the photographer crept up unseen on the Deputy Prime Minister, Clegg was overheard saying: "That'll teach the Eye a lesson! Little do they know how much far-reaching influence I have over bus stops in south-west London! Ha ha ha!"

 

News of the latest LibDem machinations caused a furore in Wandsworth last night, with influential residents demanding the immediate restoration of bus services and a full LibDem apology to WandsworthEye.

 

Clutching her battered tartan shopping trolley, 85-year-old Mabel Gout wept as she said: "How am I supposed to get around as a frail pensioner when they close bus stops of such crucial importance to the local citizenry? It's just typical of the LibDems to close bus stops. I knew nothing good would ever come of letting them into the government." The Liberal Democrats did not return calls last night, but WandsworthEye can assure its phalanx of devoted readers that the battle to reopen this much-loved bus stop will continue with unrelenting vigour.

 

In the meantime, visitors to the Eye HQ in Chapel Yard are urged to alight at Wandsworth Town Hall and walk down the hill. An alternative option is to take the 87 bus to its terminus near the tramps' and vagabonds' bench at All Saints Church.

 

Fat people 'omnipresent' in Wandsworth

Wandsworth's health service, already struggling to deal with a feared outbreak of medieval pigeon plague, was groaning at the seams last night as vast numbers of fat people were reported throughout the borough.




Fat person at Clapham Junction station

 

Wandsworth was previously known around the world as a suave, sophisticated district of south-west London in which svelte and chic middle-class mothers donned Alice bands as they shopped for healthy organic produce along bustling Northcote Road. Only the tramps and vagabonds showed signs of obesity - and this was due largely to well-meaning folk who lavished them with fatty gifts as they lolled around lazily on their special bench outside All Saints Church. "Oh," said local mum Cressida Parker-Bicyclette, "you never used to see fat people around in Wandsworth. There was so much space on the pavements! Those were the days!"





Is that snack really necessary?
 

However the recent explosion in the number of fast food outlets (see WandsworthEye's report of 02/08/2012) has caused a huge upsurge in rates of obesity, and local public health officials say they are "speechless" with shock at the extent of the borough's bulging waistlines. Last night reports were coming in of ambulance services on 24-hour standby as fat people tumbled over in the streets, unable to carry their greedy bags of shopping. "Mark my words," said one leading NHS figure, "this is a crisis potentially even worse than the medieval pigeon plague at the National Opera Studio".  


Experts were last night blaming the Liberal Democrats for the unprecedented downturn in the borough's health fortunes. "The minute they signed the coalition agreement, kebab shops were springing up everywhere on Wandsworth High Street," said leading nutritionist Octavia Belle-Wether. "If only people had listened to the prescient warnings of much-loved WandsworthEye, which has campaigned so vigorously on the subject." Weeping into her glass of diet mineral water, she wailed: "This area's gone so downhill. It'll be bingo halls and men walking around in football shirts next."

 

 

Costa in crisis over 'manky' customers

There were claims last night that Costa was in crisis, as complaints came flooding in about the vulgar and unhygienic habits of customers at its Wandsworth Southside branch.

 

The much-loved coffee emporium, whose fortunes WandsworthEye has eagerly followed since its inception, occupies a prime retail site at the very heart of the borough. On a sunny day, the glitterati of SW18 can sometimes be seen whiling away a pleasant hour under the unfurled sunshades.

 

For those who dwell in the locality, Costa's arrival presaged the start of an exciting new era for Wandsworth - one in which suave Mediterranean ways would hold sway over southwest London. 'I can remember when Costa would unfurl four parasols every morning,' recalled pensioner Doris Elzheimer with moist eyes. 'Oh, those were heady days... But now you're lucky to even get three. Things have definitely got worse since the Liberal Democrats came to power.' 

 

And concern was mounting last night that the elegant ambience of Costa Southside was coming under increasing threat from its popularity among the lower socio-economic classes - not all of whom know how to behave with decorum in a public place.

 

There were reports of extensive littering by yobbish elements, of single mothers chainsmoking in tracksuits and dropping their detritus on the ground, and even of working-class children smearing bogeys on the undersides of tables when nobody was looking. 'I just despair of these people,' said local resident Desiree Saltpetre. 'They have all these wonderful little chicken nugget-type places to go to and spend their benefit money, so why do they have to spoil coffee houses for busy professionals like me?'

 

Fears were also rising last night that the borough's tramps and vagabonds had Costa Southside in their sights. 'Thanks to WandsworthEye's trenchant reporting, we all know the devastation the tramps and vagabonds have been wreaking on the butterflies by the Wandle,' said regular customer Wilhelmina Plentibott. 'Surely it's only a matter of time before they find out about Costa Coffee's lavish facilities and try to winkle their way in without paying. It would just be typical of the tramps and vagabonds to sit dozing at tables, taking up much-needed space. It's all the fault of the Liberal Democrats.'

As WandsworthEye went to press last night, middle-class mothers were already fleeing Costa Southside, saying they could no longer tolerate the swirling sea of fag butts and the crude language of the lesser customers. 'If Costa would bring back the fourth sunshade, then all would be forgiven,' said Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest as she headed speedily for the Old York Road. 'But for now I fear I shall have to imbibe my beverages elsewhere. Good day to you.'  

 

 

Apostrophe criminals on the rampage in Wandsworth

Fears were rising last night that a generation of Wandsworth schoolchildren would grow up in a state of barbaric ignorance as mounting evidence emerged of wanton apostrophe crime throughout the borough.

 

Following an appeal on Twitter to its phalanx of devoted followers, WandsworthEye was veritably deluged with complaints about missing or extraneous apostrophes on shop signs across vast swathes of SW15, 17 and 18. Even premises under the tutelage of apparently educated middle-class people have been found wanting in their adherence to basic rules of English grammar. 'I can't believe these are mere slips of the pen,' said Bertram Crudd of Wandsworth Council's Apostrophe Inspectorate. 'This is deliberate, organised apostrophe crime on a massive scale.'

 

The Huguenot Rendezvous, prominently located on a key Wandsworth thoroughfare, was criticised by countless readers who contrasted its stylish interior and delicious products with the wilful abandon of its rampant apostrophe abuse.

'How shameful to display this in a public place,' commented housewife Kelly Twigg. 'Buses go past there all the time, and who knows how many passengers from other parts of London will now look down on Wandsworth as a result of this dreadful contempt for English grammar. Ugh.'

 

Also slammed was the Carers' Centre on Wandsworth High Street, where public information boards are sprinkled with apostrophes like hundreds and thousands on a fairy cake. Standing outside the much-loved community facility, leading educational psychologist Stacey Poles warned: 'If current apostrophe trends continue, by 2014 the average Wandsworth schoolchild will be reduced to the level of a primitive grunting animal, capable only of sending very simple text messages and posting status updates on Facebook.'

'I hesitate to say this because of the strict need for political impartiality, but it's all the fault of the Liberal Democrats,' Poles explained. 'How cunning they were, falsely promising to deal with the burgeoning apostrophe crisis before the last general election! But the minute they got their sticky little sandal-wearing fingers on power, that all went RIGHT out of the window. Oh yes. It's all come home to roost.'

 

But the strongest condemnation of all was reserved for a shop selling infants' clothing on the Upper Richmond Road. Passers by were speechless as they drew WandsworthEye's attention to this shocking and unparalleled example of apostrophe abuse.  

Clutching her weak heart and trembling with rage, frail pensioner Mabel Tweedy stormed: 'This is just beyond belief. And in front of children's eyes too! How could they do this to innocent apostrophes?'

 

There were signs last night that the government was preparing to intervene. A source close to Home Secretary Theresa May told WandsworthEye: 'Of course cutting the national deficit must take precedence - but once we've dealt with that, the coalition will make a massive crackdown on apostrophe crime a key priority. This is a bread-and-butter issue affecting the whole of south-west London, and ever-popular WandsworthEye is to be congratulated for campaigning on the subject with such vigour. If only all other news providers were as trenchant in their reportage as WandsworthEye.'

 

 

Opera studio pigeons 'spread medieval plague'

The NHS in Wandsworth was on standby last night amid mounting fears of a public health emergency caused by pigeons defecating over the walls of the National Opera Studio in Chapel Yard. 

 

The much-loved historic building, long the centre of the borough's cultural life, has come under siege from terrifying avian forces in recent months. To the passer-by who gently ambles through one of Wandsworth's most prestigious thoroughfares, nothing is amiss. The ochre-coloured edifice shimmers resplendently in the evening sunshine, welcoming eager concert-goers into its ample bosom.
 

'Ooh I come to all the recitals,' said pensioner Gladys B. 'Some of the singers are very dishy, you know! They have such strong manly voices... I'm only a frail pensioner, and my life generally involves pushing trolleys round shopping centres in search of cat food and custard creams, but I can honestly say that the National Opera Studio's lunchtime concerts have given me a new zest for life - and how much more edifying they are than traditional OAP pursuits such as playing bingo!' Reginald W. of the Anti-Lust Alliance said he was shocked by suggestions that ogling took place at the Opera Studio, though he generally supported the singing element.

But unbeknown to all but the most vigilant visitors and passers by, the National Opera Studio's pretty stained glass windows have become infested with fearsome pigeons, whose copious excrement is spattered unattractively over the surrounding brickwork and now lies caked onto the venerable building's exterior walls. 'It is a horrifying sight indeed,' commented one member of the Chapel Yard Residents' Association whose apartment overlooks the squalid site. 'And the situation has just got worse and worse since the Liberal Democrats entered government in 2010. It was in their manifesto to tackle avian faecal matter, but that soon got conveniently forgotten when they cosied up to the Tories.'

There were claims last night that the National Opera Studio's staff had been spotted throwing titbits out of the window to the pigeons, in stark contravention of health & safety rules. And local resident Demerera S. said she feared an escalating public health crisis - with untold repercussions for vulnerable infants and frail pensioners.

 

'If nothing is done to scrape those ghastly faecal deposits off the NOS brickwork, who knows what kind of dreadful plague will emerge to haunt us, just like in medieval times,' she warned - shuddering as she contemplated the dreadful scenario. 'In fact I'm sure I just saw a rat scuttling about the yard, ready to pounce on the very next passer by.'

 

     

Tramps and vagabonds 'devastating rare butterflies'

Families fled in terror last night as Wandsworth's greedy tramps and vagabonds colonized the banks of the River Wandle, taking over a much-loved children's play area and threatening the future of a treasured wildlife habitat in the very centre of the borough.

 

Regular readers of WandsworthEye have long been acquainted with the itinerant practices of local T&V elements. The situation had appeared to be largely under control, with T&V activity chiefly confined to the two benches provided by kindly pastoral welfare authorities at All Saints Church. 

 

However, not content with these already lavish facilities, the borough's tramps and vagabonds have now moved the focus of their layabout activities to the tree-lined banks of the Wandle, where they have been spotted eating vast sandwiches and consuming drinks of fearsome potency.

 

 

Last night ordinary Wandsworth residents told of their anger at the wicked machinations of the borough's T&V population. 'It's heartbreaking,' said Chardonnay C. 'I used to come here every morning after the Jeremy Kyle Show with my darling children Shannon, Kyle and Kimberley. How they used to frolic in the verdant greenery. But now no longer. We shall have to go to manky Wandsworth Common instead. I fear there is no room for honest hardworking folk like us on the banks of the Wandle, now that the tramps and vagabonds have taken over.'

 

Other residents blamed the Liberal Democrats and drew attention to a little-known provision in the much-hated Coalition Agreement, according to which the governing parties "shall commit themselves to extending T&V access to areas of outstanding natural beauty such as the banks of the River Wandle in south-west London". 

 

However there were fears that the untrammelled activites of the tramps and vagabonds could have a devastating impact on local wildlife. 'There are bound to be loads of rare butterflies dwelling in the area,' commented Zelda E. of the Wandsworth Butterfly Alliance. 'I dread to think what the future holds for them now that T&V activity has spread to the banks of the Wandle.'

 

Veteran pro-T&V campaigner Dave K. last night challenged WandsworthEye and its phalanx of devoted allies to contribute large sums of money to T&V charities each time they alluded to T&Vs in public discourse. 'Prove you care!' he raged.

 

But a source close to the WandsworthEye editorial board stressed again the positive contribution that T&V elements could make to society - provided they did not devastate the borough's fragile rare butterfly population.

 

 

 

 

   

 

 

Anger over plethora of 'manky' shops

Wandsworth shopowners were shamefaced last night after a major probe exposed a litany of failings in the borough's once thriving retail sector. An exclusive investigation by undercover reporters, commissioned by doughty consumer champion WandsworthEye, identified a host of poor retail practices in outlets along the High Street. These included unattractive window displays, surly and uncommunicative staff, and highly opaque pricing regimes. 'I used to love coming out to do my shopping,' explained pensioner Mabel F. 'But things have definitely gone downhill since the Liberal Democrats got into power. It's just disgusting what some of the shops look like now.'

 

Filming under conditions of great secrecy, WandsworthEye's squad of roving reporters came across endless examples of shops whose proprietors had evidently given no thought whatsover to aesthetic considerations as they laid out their wares.

 

Shop windows strewn with rubble and detritus, half-empty and disorganised shelves on which cat food and bathroom tissue jostled for attention next to unsightly cardboard boxes - these were the heartbreaking scenes witnessed on once-booming Wandsworth High Street earlier this week.

'It's all the fault of the Liberal Democrats,' agreed one passer-by. 'Before they got in, the High Street was a veritable shoppers' paradise, with one alluring retail emporium after the other. But now look at it. I mean, for goodness' sake, who buys pink loo roll nowadays?'

Charity shops were also slammed for their failure to offer attractive shopping opportunities in Wandsworth. Time and again our battalion of fearless investigators came across sad displays of overpriced ornamental items with only limited appeal to the sophisticated metropolitan denizens of SW18.

There was also much evidence of the sale of extraneous products in key Wandsworth retail outlets. Trembling as she pointed to one well-known store on the corner of the High Street and Broomhill Road, housewife Valerie B. raged: 'Lamb and cow feet indeed! We'll have none of that medieval fare in these parts, thank you very much.'

 



Meanwhile, leading national retail giant Tesco came under fire from shoppers for putting ready meals of questionable nutritional value on display. 'Just look at that yucky discoloured bacon,' said Colonel M. of Tunbridge Wells, currently holidaying in the borough. 'Anyone foolish enough to consume that would undoubtedly suffer the severest rectal repercussions.'

 

WandsworthEye is of course not suggesting for one moment that the items featured in this report are in any way putrid, substandard or of uncertain provenance. Undoubtedly they are both fragrant and utterly pristine in all respects. However, as a celebrated champion of consumer interests in SW18, the Eye pleads with all local retailers to look anew at their products and services, and to do their bit for restoring pride to Wandsworth. Come on shopowners! Get off your mobile phones! Greet your cherished customers with a cheery smile and a cordial word of welcome, and give your tired stores a vigorous sweep and a much-needed lick of paint!

 

 



EMERGENCY STATEMENT

Dear Readers.

On Sunday August 12th a bogus edition of Wandsworth Eye appeared in the public domain, needlessly confusing its phalanx of devoted readers and sowing seeds of doubt among the social media community of SW18.

The frivolous nature of the material and its rampantly left-liberal views were utterly at variance with WandsworthEye's consistent championing of family values, and in no way reflected WandsworthEye's central message of order, srutiny and fiscal probity.

All articles appearing under the SundayWandsworthEye banner should henceforth be treated as damaging excrescences and reported to the authorities without further ado. Let us all now be vigilant, lest the supporters of tramps and vagabonds go on the rampage once again!

The Editorial Board

WandsworthEye

Chapel Yard

London SW18             

A new dawn breaks with Sunday WandsworthEye!

Good morning Wandsworth! It is Sunday, the sun is shining, the borough's cherished tramps and vagabonds are still sweetly snoring in their gentle dells of quiet repose, Costa Coffee has unfurled its much-loved sunshades, and a new dawn is breaking over SW18 with the first bumper edition of SundayWandsworthEye!

WandsworthEye has always viewed itself as a cutting-edge local news resource, chock-full of stentorian comment and trenchant analysis. However, in recent days readers have been pleading for the Eye to introduce 'Sunday supplement'-style leisure features to further enhance its already lavish offering. "Good honest family fun, that's what we need," explained Reginald W. of the Anti-Lust Alliance. "No smutty material, mind."

WandsworthEye has no intention of introducing frivolous downmarket features such as dreary crosswords, tawdry Sudoku puzzles or vulgar agony-aunt columns that appeal only to the meek and feeble-minded. But today the Eye launches its more mellifluous Sunday cousin into the social media orbit - and as times are hard, here is our top tip to...

SAVE £2.30 ON BUS FARES TO CENTRAL LONDON!!!

Dear treasured readers, walking is the way forward in these times of austerity! And despite the undoubted attractions of the heroic 87 bus to Aldwych - whose many advantages WandsworthEye has already documented - a sunny day such as today offers an ideal opportunity to save the £2.30 fare into town (or £1.35 with an Oyster card).

Give the money to tramps' and vagabonds' charities instead! And now let me take you by the hand and guide you carefully along Wandsworth High Street with its thundering traffic; past the Town Hall whose officials work tirelessly to spare us the high council tax rates of less prudent boroughs; left into Fairfield Street; right onto Old York Road; round the roundabout; and onto Wandsworth Bridge - beneath which you will find a delightfully clear and graffiti-free map of the Thames Path.

This is your direct route into town - clean, well-maintained, dotted with the occasional pub, cafe or hostelry - and above all, far from the noise and the ceaseless traffic of throbbing inner London. Off you go!!!

The Thames Path at Battersea Reach

Blue skies, puffy puffy clouds...



River Quarter Kitchen

Molasses House

Battersea

An ideal spot for a beverage or two

http://www.riverquarterkitchen.com/



SundayWandsworthEye wishes its phalanx of devoted readers in Britain, the US, Russia, France and Germany a warm and sultry Sunday afternoon. WandsworthEye will return with its usual damning analysis of pressing local issues on Wednesday 29th August. In the meantime: Please contribute generously to all tramps' and vagabonds' charities!



Brainwashing cult 'on the rampage' in Wandsworth

Residents cowered in fear last night after a sinister flag was hoisted high above one of central Wandsworth's most prestigious streets. Families on Wandsworth Plain - world-famous as the westerly terminus of the much-loved 87 bus - were at a loss to explain the meaning of the flag, which now flutters menacingly over the street's elegant Georgian facades alongside a Union Jack.

"Is it something to do with the Teletubbies?" asked one passer-by, drawing attention to the child-like cartoon character depicted in a blue circle on a sinister white background. Another thought it might be the emblem of a new political party, particularly one with far-right policies. "How ghastly," said one resident. "The LibDems are bad enough - but now this!" 

Another theory gaining credence last night was that the flag heralded the arrival in Wandsworth of a sinister brainwashing cult. Tracey B, part-time checkout assistant at Poundstretcher, thought this was extremely likely. "Oh yes," she said, "it's very cunning how they've disguised the true purpose of the building by giving the lady on the flag such a cheeky wink. I think you'll find that increasingly these demonic cults are resorting to highly sophisticated marketing strategies to lure unsuspecting folk in through their rapacious doors."  

However other leading figures in the neighbourhood disagreed. "The coquettish demeanour of the unsavoury character depicted on the flag leads me to suspect that all this presages the arrival in the borough of sultry purveyors of pornographic filth," said Reginald W, a stalwart of the Wandsworth branch of the Anti-Lust Alliance.

WandsworthEye will continue to monitor the situation from its HQ overlooking the Plain, and welcomes any suggestions from readers who may have their own theories regarding this menacing new development.

Storm over tramps and vagabonds

WandsworthEye was at the centre of a furious row last night after a Twitter follower slammed its much-loved Tramps' and Vagabonds' Monitoring Service and branded the Eye's attitude "pathetic".

Soon after launching its Twitter feed earlier this year, WandsworthEye began providing its phalanx of devoted followers with regular updates on the activities of tramps and vagabonds in the borough. The initiative - part of the Eye's unstinting efforts to offer a comprehensive news service to local residents - has been focusing primarily on events at the tramps' and vagabonds' benches outside All Saints Church on Wandsworth High Street.

Spattered with mysterious white paint (or some other substance), the benches provide a welcome place of repose for central Wandsworth's T&V population. Come a sunny day, all manner of tramps and vagabonds can be seen holding picnic lunches and the like - and discussing the most pressing issues of the day over a cool can of cider purchased from a nearby retail outlet.   

It goes without saying that WandsworthEye has always maintained a keen sense of objectivity when reporting on T&V activity, and in no way does it condemn their full participation in society. Where concerns have been raised (for example over occasional littering and the mysterious white paint spatterings), WandsworthEye has endeavoured to do so with kindness and generosity of spirit.

   

However one Twitter follower lambasted the Eye's popular T&V service, storming: "I follow you because I enjoy your tweets but your attitude towards the people you label T&V is pathetic." He added: "Why don't you try talking to them. You might just learn something useful."

Last night local residents rallied round WandsworthEye, pleading for the cherished T&V monitoring service to continue. Housewife Brenda A. commented: "I love the Tramps' and Vagabonds' news alerts, and look forward to them all day! My life is rather dull really, what with being stuck at home and having to watch endless daytime telly. But the T&V service brightens up everything. It  is undoubtedly an integral part of WandsworthEye's multi-faceted profferings, and if anything I believe it should be expanded. It very much fits in with the rollout of community empowerment initiatives so boldly championed by the Prime Minister." 

As support came flooding in from across the political spectrum, a source close to the Liberal Democrats' deputy spokesman on tramps' and vagabonds' issues said: "I completely agree with WandsworthEye. We LibDems have long demanded more stringent monitoring of the tramps and vagabonds, and in no way is this a reprehensible activity."

Fury over sealed postbox

Fury erupted in central Wandsworth last night as residents were left unable to post crucial mail items following the arbitrary sealing of a vital Royal Mail postbox.

The red letter box on the junction of Wandsworth High Street and Broomhill Road was declared out of bounds to local residents on July 23 and will not be restored to service until August 12.

"This is yet another example of callous coalition cutbacks," complained one angry passer-by. "First they cut key national infrastructure projects without a moment's consideration of the impact on the macro-economic environment. Then they took the axe to weeping children's cherished play centres. And now they've closed the much-loved postbox on Broomhill Road. It's just slash, slash, slash all day long with this lot. I knew no good would ever come of letting the Liberal Democrats into government. They are just plain evil - out to get ordinary folk like you and me. Mind you, there always seems to be plenty of money to spend on asylum seekers. AND single mothers."

Campaigners for the elderly also voiced fears that the postbox closure would put the lives of frail pensioners at risk. "Senior citizens will see this as the final straw," warned one leading charity figure. "A trip to the postbox used to be the social highlight of the week for many old folk. Now all they have left to look forward to is pushing their mock-Tartan trolleys round Aldi in search of cut-price cat food and custard creams." 

WandsworthEye can also reveal that Royal Mail and the Liberal Democrats are cynically using the London Olympics as an excuse to mask their vindictive cost-cutting programme. A notice on the abandoned postbox blames "local transport changes during the Games period" for the wicked decision to bar residents from posting their law-abiding letters.

"This is just typical of Royal Mail and the Liberal Democrats," said one influential figure in Wandsworth's Postbox Appreciation Society. "The Broomhill Road closure has nothing whatsoever to do with the Olympics. The LibDems just hate postboxes and will do anything in their power to destroy them. I would urge all concerned residents to write to their MP and demand the immediate restoration of a much-loved local facility. Long live the Broomhill Road postbox!"

There is speculation that a candle-lit vigil will be held around the postbox in the nights to come. And campaigners are hopeful that leading national figures including Polly Toynbee, Shami Chakrabarti and Kate & Gerry McCann will attend.