Chicken nugget yobs plunge neighbourhood into 'nightmare of despair'

Wandsworth families abandoned their Christmas celebrations last night after the opening of yet another fast food outlet plunged the neighbourhood into 'a nightmare of dark despair'. Residents looked on in disbelief as 110 Wandsworth High Street opened its doors to tracksuit-wearing hooligans with a menu offering smelly chicken nuggets, chips, kebabs and other rancid fodder of that ilk. "I'm practically speechless," said Tamara Parker-Bicyclette as she hurried daughter Timpani along to her clavichord lesson. "What we needed on the High Street was a nice little Waitrose or mini-Selfridges. Even a Cath Kidston or a Fat Face would have been perfectly alright. But yet more manky working-class yuck-food? Ugh."

Extra-wide door for fat customers

William's chicken, pizza, kebab and fish & chip emporium features a specially wide door to enable fat customers to drive their extra-large mobility scooters in and out to their hearts' delight - all while clutching vast stacks of artery-clogging junk food. Needless to say, the surrounding streets are already awash with litter as wicked chicken nugget yobs toss their discarded containers onto the pavement. "It's now become practically impossible to walk down the road without having to climb over mountains of junk food debris," complained Colonel Hartley of Tunbridge Wells, who is currently holidaying in the borough. "Now some might blame the parents, but I don't. I blame the Liberal Democrats, who have led this country down the path to ruin ever since they winkled their wicked way into government back in 2010. God how I hate them."

Last night residents were gathering at public rallies across the borough, demanding the complete banning of chicken nugget outlets, tracksuit bottoms and Liberal Democrats. There were tears in the eyes of some elderly demonstrators as they reminisced about the days before the LibDem menace began. "It was all Lyons Corner Houses then," said Henrietta Harpington as she dabbed her runny nose in the cold. "You had waitresses with aprons, and everything was spick and span. But then the Liberal Democrats got in, and the whole country became overrun by lesbians, paedophiles and asylum seekers. No wonder people are driven to eating chicken nuggets."

WandsworthEye wishes its phalanx of devoted followers a Merry Christmas despite the ongoing chicken nugget terror, and reminds readers to donate generously to tramps' and vagabonds' charities at this festive time of year.