Stunning victory for Eye's apostrophe crusade!

Apostrophe watchdogs and other right-minded folk were celebrating on the streets of Wandsworth last night after Southside shopping centre apologised for an apostrophe crime which shook the entire borough to its core. 

In a major victory for WandsworthEye's much-praised crusade against apostrophe misuse, representatives of the glittering shopping emporium acknowledged the widespread pain their grammatical incontinence had induced. And there are now signs that Southside will step up work on the planned new Debenhams department store in the new year as a gesture of contrition.

Southside - scene of a shocking apostrophe crime

The row erupted shortly before Christmas, when ever-vigilant WandsworthEye spotted a heinous apostrophe crime cunningly hidden  away in Southside's corporate Twitter feed. "Who said January's were gloomy?" the shameless mall asked - single-handedly laying waste to decades of hard work by the nation's English teachers.

WandsworthEye immediately sprang into action, denouncing the "imbeciles" responsible for this wanton linguistic vandalism. As fury mounted across the borough, the Eye's injunction went viral and was retweeted twice by its phalanx of devoted followers. And then, in a stunning expression of contrition, Southside's corporate Twitter feed released the following comprehensive statement: "I was only trying to help :-( "

However local apostrophe campaigners were unimpressed. "This kind of behaviour cannot go unpunished," said Chantelle M. of Roehampton Apostrophe Action. "To sprinkle extraneous apostrophes around the borough like confetti is unforgiveable at a time of economic austerity. Moreover research has conclusively found that the overuse of apostrophes is directly linked to global warming. Thank heavens for WandsworthEye, without whom the next generation of children would grow up in ignorance."

Matters finally came to a head when the Eye alluded to Southside's major expansion plans in its next tweet: "@SouthsideSW18 is forgiven its wicked apostrophe crime if it can hurry up and build that snazzy new Debenhams," the borough's consumer champion declared.

And in a major triumph for WandsworthEye, Southside immediately responded: "Leave it with me. I'll see what I can do."

There were scenes of celebration on Garratt Lane last night as jubilant crowds held an impromptu street party in the pouring rain and waited eagerly by the vast construction site for the imminent opening of Wandsworth's lavish new department store. "I thought I'd get here nice and early," explained OAP Ethel Dumpton. "I wonder if they'll stock cat food and custard creams in that posh new Debenhams? I'm only a frail pensioner, I can't afford nuffing else."

As the year drew to a close there were fears, however, that celebrations could be marred by the actions of the hated Apostrophe Liberation Front, who threatened to release apostrophes in random attacks across the borough - even in front of children. "Vigilance must still be the order of the day," warned a source close to WandsworthEye. "Let us all join forces to protect our cherished community against the depredations of apostrophe criminals."

Chicken nugget yobs plunge neighbourhood into 'nightmare of despair'

Wandsworth families abandoned their Christmas celebrations last night after the opening of yet another fast food outlet plunged the neighbourhood into 'a nightmare of dark despair'. Residents looked on in disbelief as 110 Wandsworth High Street opened its doors to tracksuit-wearing hooligans with a menu offering smelly chicken nuggets, chips, kebabs and other rancid fodder of that ilk. "I'm practically speechless," said Tamara Parker-Bicyclette as she hurried daughter Timpani along to her clavichord lesson. "What we needed on the High Street was a nice little Waitrose or mini-Selfridges. Even a Cath Kidston or a Fat Face would have been perfectly alright. But yet more manky working-class yuck-food? Ugh."

Extra-wide door for fat customers

William's chicken, pizza, kebab and fish & chip emporium features a specially wide door to enable fat customers to drive their extra-large mobility scooters in and out to their hearts' delight - all while clutching vast stacks of artery-clogging junk food. Needless to say, the surrounding streets are already awash with litter as wicked chicken nugget yobs toss their discarded containers onto the pavement. "It's now become practically impossible to walk down the road without having to climb over mountains of junk food debris," complained Colonel Hartley of Tunbridge Wells, who is currently holidaying in the borough. "Now some might blame the parents, but I don't. I blame the Liberal Democrats, who have led this country down the path to ruin ever since they winkled their wicked way into government back in 2010. God how I hate them."

Last night residents were gathering at public rallies across the borough, demanding the complete banning of chicken nugget outlets, tracksuit bottoms and Liberal Democrats. There were tears in the eyes of some elderly demonstrators as they reminisced about the days before the LibDem menace began. "It was all Lyons Corner Houses then," said Henrietta Harpington as she dabbed her runny nose in the cold. "You had waitresses with aprons, and everything was spick and span. But then the Liberal Democrats got in, and the whole country became overrun by lesbians, paedophiles and asylum seekers. No wonder people are driven to eating chicken nuggets."

WandsworthEye wishes its phalanx of devoted followers a Merry Christmas despite the ongoing chicken nugget terror, and reminds readers to donate generously to tramps' and vagabonds' charities at this festive time of year.

Tramps, vagabonds and asylum seekers 'desecrating Christmas tree'

At this joyous time of year, cherubs' faces light up when they pass the resplendent Christmas tree on Wandsworth High Street. Visitors from far and wide flock to SW18 to admire the lavishly decorated fir, bedecked with a veritable cascade of glittering lights. But fears were rising last night that this much-loved festive fixture could fall victim to the cunning depredations of tramps, vagabonds and even asylum-seekers.

The Yuletide tree in all its splendour

The lovely tree, clearly visible from WandsworthEye HQ high above the rooftops of southwest London, was erected over the weekend as wintry weather held sway across the borough. Lusty carol-singing could be heard from adjacent All Saints Church. However just a stone's throw away lie the notorious tramps' and vagabonds' benches where - on sunny days - cider-swigging gentlemen of a certain age can be seen holding court. "It's only a matter of time before they lay waste to the Christmas tree," warned one source close to the Wandsworth branch of UKIP. "In fact I'm sure I already saw them plundering the branches of baubles, in connivance with escaped detained asylum-seekers." 

'Only a matter of time' before T&V raid

Colonel Hartley of Tunbridge Wells, currently holidaying in the borough, remarked: "What a splendid tree. But I would caution against placing it in such close proximity to known centres of T&V activity. People of their ilk are unlikely to leave this festive treat unscathed. Moreover, the Christmas tree is so easily reached from sinister Roehampton on the 170 bus. Tracksuit-wearing single mothers will soon be ravaging the tree, snatching trinkets off the branches to exchange for sordid cigarettes and lottery tickets. Ugh."

There was general agreement last night on the streets of Wandsworth that the much-loved Christmas tree would soon be damaged beyond repair. "Astonishing, this moral collapse since the Liberal Democrats got into power," commented Reverend Benny Savile of the Anti-Lust Alliance. "If only people had listened to WandsworthEye, whose trenchant commentaries are proving ever more timely."