Global elite flock to Wandsworth's 'most exclusive' store

WandsworthEye has been criticised in some quarters for its unrelenting focus on the community's bleakest and most troubling news. Since the much-loved neighbourhood stalwart began serving residents of SW18 in February last year, it has never flinched from exposing scandal and evil in our midst. From plague-spreading pigeons to the tramps and vagabonds sowing reckless disorder in our community, WandsworthEye has always been at the vanguard of investigative reporting - undaunted even by last week's cowardly, dastardly attack on Eye HQ. But today, as thoughts in this balmy weather inevitably turn to spring, WandsworthEye has some uplifting news about the borough's ever-prospering retail sector...

The lavish store on Upper Richmond Rd

Wandsworth business leaders were celebrating last night after new figures revealed that high-spending overseas tourists were flocking in their thousands to the borough's most glamorous retail emporium. The aptly named EXCLUSIVE FOODMARKET, occupying a prime site on the Upper Richmond Road near East Putney tube station, has now overtaken Harrods, Selfridges and Harvey Nichols as London's most fashionable store. With a massive array of enticing designer items on sale, the shop boasts an annual turnover of close to £8.50. And senior local commerce figures have spoken with jubilation of the 'snowball effect' the store's presence is having on Wandsworth's entire retail sector.

Shelves chock-full of designer goods

"This is exactly the kind of retail outlet the neighbourhood needs," said one business executive, surveying the store's bright and attractive interior with evident pleasure. "Note how much thought and attention has been given to the shop's design, and to the attractive display of produce. No wonder some of Europe's most glamorous socialites are often to be seen lingering among the aisles."

But frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton said she could not envisage transferring her custom to the EXCLUSIVE FOODMARKET. "Just look at the price of them custard creams!" she raged. "It's all very well for Arab sheikhs and the like, but us senior citizens can't afford posh stuff like that."

Enticing bags of sugar for sale

Undaunted by the Knightsbridge-level prices, local socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette spoke of her joy that Wandsworth's retail sector was finally making a global name for itself. "It's such a relief to have nice shops such as these in the heart of our community," she gushed. "In former days one always feared bumping into tramps, vagabonds and other manky people while popping out for a pint of milk, but no more! Come on Mungo!" she called to her little boy. "It's time for your weekly clavichord lesson."

Last night council leaders raised the prospect that plans to expand Heathrow Airport might need some revision in the light of Wandsworth's massive popularity with shoppers from overseas. "Forget the third Heathrow runway," said one influential source. "What we need is a Wandsworth International Airport to handle all the traffic to and from the EXCLUSIVE FOODMARKET." 

Mouthwatering freshly baked produce on display

Meanwhile, Costa Coffee was monitoring the situation carefully amid concern that its well-heeled clientele would now flock to the EXCLUSIVE FOODMARKET for lunchtime snacks. "Just look at that wide array of mouthwatering titbits," said housewife Henrietta Harpington, pointing to a lavishly-fitted cabinet chock-full of steaming hot pies, pastries and puddings. "Yummy yummy, this is the best EVER. Thank heavens for WandsworthEye, without whose timely reportage the community would be blind to the tasty morsels in its midst."  

Eye repels dastardly attack on HQ! Mass arrests throughout the borough

Wandsworth was in lockdown last night following an audacious attempted burglary at Eye HQ on Chapel Yard. As frightened residents fled behind their John Lewis blinds, police made mass arrests throughout the borough and there was talk in some quarters of martial law being declared in parts of SW18.

The incident in question occurred at lunchtime on Monday as WandsworthEye's editor-in-chief was resting in bed following a long night of investigative probes into issues of national and international import. Suddenly, he was woken by a succession of loud thuds emanating from the passageway outside Eye HQ. Using sophisticated monitoring equipment including a cunningly hidden peephole, he discovered that a shaven-headed thug was attempting to kick down the door of the neighbouring property. He shouted boldly at the assailant who then fled the premises, and following a breathless 999 call police were on the scene within minutes.  

Enhanced security features at Eye HQ

As the security services began to round up all local scoundrels, ne'er-do-wells and antisocial elements, WandsworthEye took to Twitter to update the community and reassure its phalanx of devoted followers that the doughty and indomitable news service would continue undeterred. New security features were installed at the entrance to Eye HQ, including the unforgivingly lethal portcullis pictured to the left. 

"The Eye's opponents will be trembling in their beds tonight," warned a source close to the much-loved community portal. "The full force of the law will come down on the wicked, evil assailant who sought to bring terror to the heart of this close-knit neighbourhood."  

Meanwhile, friends and supporters of WandsworthEye condemned the dastardly attack and demanded the severest punishment for the intruder. Frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton said: "In my youth I was a proponent of liberal criminal justice policies, foolishly believing that criminals could be reformed through kindness. Now, however, I realise how mistaken I was. This shaven-headed thug should be dangled from a lamppost by his testicles while being thoroughly whipped by all and sundry."

Little Bo Peep 'a suspect too'

"We must all be on our guard now," warned mild-mannered Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, a near-neighbour of WandsworthEye. "Every uninvited visitor to Eye HQ will henceforth be treated with the utmost suspicion. Even if I come across Little Bo Peep in the hallway, I will pin her to the floor and smash her face into the ground. There will be no exceptions made whatsover, I'm afraid. What a shame that it all had to come to this."

Last night there was speculation that the intruder may have been seeking to steal apostrophes from WandsworthEye's secret emergency repository. "Let us remain vigilant," said a source close to the cherished community news service. "If you see any suspicious apostrophes in shop windows, please contact Eye HQ immediately."

Fears rise over 'sinister' cafe

Official investigators launched a major probe last night as bewildered residents voiced fears over 'sinister' activities at the new coffee shop on Wandsworth High Street. Adjacent to the much-loved 220 bus stop, and just a stone's throw from WandsworthEye HQ, the plush establishment has been open for business since the New Year - yet it still has no sign above the premises.

The sinister establishment

"Whatever do they sell there?" wondered frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton as she trundled past the nameless cafe with her tartan shopping trolley. "I'm always on the lookout for bargain-basement cat food and custard creams." But her companion Mabel Drearie was less sanguine. "They'll be up to no good," she ventured. "Behind the cunning guise of a harmless cafe, it will undoubtedly be a secret headquarters for Mormons or Liberal Democrats, or something of that ilk." Glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette had a different view altogether. "Shops without names tend to sell embarrassing things," she pointed out. "Like whips and dildos. So good to see Ann Summers getting a run for its money in the heart of SW18."

A much-praised rival

A source close to Wandsworth Council's Retail Signage Inspectorate revealed that the department had been deluged with calls from anxious residents since the sinister cafe's opening. "Our inspectors will be paying them a visit shortly," said Signage Inspector-General Albert Oddbod. "We have grave doubts over whether the establishment is fully compliant with EU signage regulations. If they want some inspiration they should look across the road at Toast. Now there's a cafe with a proper name, following best practice in all matters pertaining to signage. You know what you're getting at Toast. A nice organic brioche delicately scattered with Fair Trade poppy seeds." 

Last night there was speculation, however, that the nameless cafe was merely taking its time to ensure correct apostrophe placement. A source close to the establishment admitted: "The sign was ready months ago, but we are hesitant about displaying it as our knowledge of apostrophe usage is somewhat shaky. We are well aware that we trade within the domain and purview of cherished community stalwart WandsworthEye, and tremble at the thought that we might incur its displeasure."

The Eye can exclusively reveal that the establishment's proposed name is TEA'S AND COFFEE'S.