Global elite flock to Wandsworth's 'most exclusive' store

WandsworthEye has been criticised in some quarters for its unrelenting focus on the community's bleakest and most troubling news. Since the much-loved neighbourhood stalwart began serving residents of SW18 in February last year, it has never flinched from exposing scandal and evil in our midst. From plague-spreading pigeons to the tramps and vagabonds sowing reckless disorder in our community, WandsworthEye has always been at the vanguard of investigative reporting - undaunted even by last week's cowardly, dastardly attack on Eye HQ. But today, as thoughts in this balmy weather inevitably turn to spring, WandsworthEye has some uplifting news about the borough's ever-prospering retail sector...

The lavish store on Upper Richmond Rd

Wandsworth business leaders were celebrating last night after new figures revealed that high-spending overseas tourists were flocking in their thousands to the borough's most glamorous retail emporium. The aptly named EXCLUSIVE FOODMARKET, occupying a prime site on the Upper Richmond Road near East Putney tube station, has now overtaken Harrods, Selfridges and Harvey Nichols as London's most fashionable store. With a massive array of enticing designer items on sale, the shop boasts an annual turnover of close to £8.50. And senior local commerce figures have spoken with jubilation of the 'snowball effect' the store's presence is having on Wandsworth's entire retail sector.

Shelves chock-full of designer goods

"This is exactly the kind of retail outlet the neighbourhood needs," said one business executive, surveying the store's bright and attractive interior with evident pleasure. "Note how much thought and attention has been given to the shop's design, and to the attractive display of produce. No wonder some of Europe's most glamorous socialites are often to be seen lingering among the aisles."

But frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton said she could not envisage transferring her custom to the EXCLUSIVE FOODMARKET. "Just look at the price of them custard creams!" she raged. "It's all very well for Arab sheikhs and the like, but us senior citizens can't afford posh stuff like that."

Enticing bags of sugar for sale

Undaunted by the Knightsbridge-level prices, local socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette spoke of her joy that Wandsworth's retail sector was finally making a global name for itself. "It's such a relief to have nice shops such as these in the heart of our community," she gushed. "In former days one always feared bumping into tramps, vagabonds and other manky people while popping out for a pint of milk, but no more! Come on Mungo!" she called to her little boy. "It's time for your weekly clavichord lesson."

Last night council leaders raised the prospect that plans to expand Heathrow Airport might need some revision in the light of Wandsworth's massive popularity with shoppers from overseas. "Forget the third Heathrow runway," said one influential source. "What we need is a Wandsworth International Airport to handle all the traffic to and from the EXCLUSIVE FOODMARKET." 

Mouthwatering freshly baked produce on display

Meanwhile, Costa Coffee was monitoring the situation carefully amid concern that its well-heeled clientele would now flock to the EXCLUSIVE FOODMARKET for lunchtime snacks. "Just look at that wide array of mouthwatering titbits," said housewife Henrietta Harpington, pointing to a lavishly-fitted cabinet chock-full of steaming hot pies, pastries and puddings. "Yummy yummy, this is the best EVER. Thank heavens for WandsworthEye, without whose timely reportage the community would be blind to the tasty morsels in its midst."