WANDSWORTH TEETERS ON BRINK OF NUCLEAR CALAMITY

Families flee to shelters after Kim Jong Un's menacing statement

Hated North Korean LibDem dictator Kim Jong Un

Wandsworth was trembling last night after hated North Korean leader Kim Jong Un revealed that the southwest London borough would not be spared the nuclear holocaust he is preparing for vast swathes of the western world.

In a statement issued in Pyongyang on Easter Saturday, the vicious LibDem dictator warned: "I have ordered the heroic Armed Forces of the Korean Liberal Democratic Republic to swing into action against the imperialist conservatives who have controlled Wandsworth council for the past three decades. Their wicked pro-American machinations will now receive just punishment, you mark my words."

As Wandsworth's residents fled to their nuclear bunkers, the National Opera Studio in Chapel Yard called for calm and confirmed that this Tuesday's lunchtime recital would go ahead as planned. However Tops Pizzas on the High Street announced it would be closing early each night as a precautionary measure.

Transport for London said buses heading out of town, such as the 37 to Putney Heath, were far busier than usual as local residents sought sanctuary away from built-up areas. In a further development, key services such as the much-loved 87 to Aldwych are being rerouted to avoid critical infrastructure such as Southside shopping centre. "If necessary they will have to go via Tooting High Road for the duration of the conflict," a spokesman explained. "I doubt whether Tooting figures highly on the North Koreans' list of missile targets."

Wandsworth residents who cannot flee the borough or move to a safer area are being advised to seek shelter in bunkers such as the one depicted below at Eye HQ in Chapel Yard:

The well-appointed nuclear bunker at Eye HQ

"Ensure you are well-stocked with emergency provisions," advised Colonel Bertram Crudd, chairman of the South-West London Civil Contingencies Committee. "A couple of tins of nutritious baked beans, some canned tuna and sardines perhaps, and not forgetting bathroom tissue of course. The Protect And Survive booklet will explain exactly what to do in the aftermath of the nuclear attack, so there really is absolutely no need to worry."

"Ooh it's just like the war," commented frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton as she stripped the supermarket shelves bare of cat food and custard creams. "Never mind, eh. We'll all rally round. It'll be the Blitz spirit all over again."

In a further escalation of the international crisis, North Korean state television was last night showing a simulated missile attack on Wandsworth town hall, only narrowly missing the much-loved Eye HQ in Chapel Yard.

"It's so typical of the LibDems," said glamorous socialite Octavia Belle-Wether. "Clegg, Cable, Kim Jong Un, they're all just out to get ordinary people like you and me. If only Ukip were in charge of North Korea, things would be so much more civilised..."

Madeira apostrophe congress 'is not a junket'

WandsworthEye was widely praised last night after reluctantly agreeing to forsake the hedonistic pleasures of springtime in London and embark on a gruelling three-and-a-half-hour flight to Madeira to attend the Global Apostrophe Congress. As Wandsworth's parks and gardens filled to brimming point with picnicking families and sun-worshippers, all eager to make the most of the balmy Mediterranean weather conditions, the Eye's editor-in-chief gloomily packed his suitcase and set off for Gatwick Airport.

The cheery springtime view from WandsworthEye HQ

"Once again, WandsworthEye has demonstrated its selfless devotion to duty," commented neighbour Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe. "Who would not prefer to be basking in the sunshine of SW18 rather than toiling away at a dreary apostrophe congress on the other side of the world?"

Scheming Liberal Democrats were slammed last night for wickedly insinuating that the Madeira congress was a thinly-disguised junket. As secret photographs came to light of the apostrophe delegates hard at work, supporters of WandsworthEye rallied round the much-loved community news service. "It only reflects well on the borough that our voice is being heard with such clarity in the crucial global apostrophe talks," said influential socialite Octavia Belle-Wether. "Let the cunning Liberal Democrats be silent for evermore."

Delegates hard at work at the global apostrophe talks in Madeira

WandsworthEye will resume its daily Twitter feed on Saturday 30 March and wishes its phalanx of devoted followers a Happy Easter.

'Wicked' LibDems in fresh assault on family values

There was consternation throughout the borough last night as reports came in of a cunning new LibDem campaign to promote the dishevelled, disorderly and dissolute lifestyles of tramps, vagabonds and other ne'er-do-wells. 

A typical vagabond sunning himself on a bench in Wandsworth

WandsworthEye was shocked to discover that an elderly lady by the name of Sandrine Taylor has been using Twitter to promote her  wicked work as Chairperson of the Wandsworth Friends of Tramps and Vagabonds. 

Describing herself as a "fruit tea drinker, hemp weaver and Liberal Democrat", the shameless spinster has been using the micro-blogging site to boast of the lavish feasts she has been preparing for the borough's layabouts. 

One recent tweet even had the temerity to attack much-loved WandsworthEye, which as readers will know has long been at the vanguard of efforts to protect respectable family values: 

Sandrine Taylor‏@TaylorSandrine

I've also made crispy cakes for hungry comrades on Wandsworth's streets - targets of the malevolent @WandsworthEye pic.twitter.com/Woc79f6zpG

"There truly is nothing the Liberal Democrats won't stoop to," commented Colonel Hartley of Tunbridge Wells, currently holidaying the borough. "Thankfully most LibDems are in prison now, but we must all remain vigilant. Only recently a Metropolitan Police helicopter was circling over Wandsworth all night trying to identify hidden Liberal Democrat activists. On no account must we listen to the siren voices of Clegg, Cable or Sandrine Taylor - whose manifesto would surely lead us down the road to moral turpitude. Hurrah for WandsworthEye for exposing their false prophecies!"