Stylish Wandsworth 'is the new Belgravia', socialites agree

There were scenes of rejoicing on the streets of Wandsworth last night as well-heeled local residents flocked eagerly to stylish new eateries Wagamama and Rossopomodoro, which have finally opened their doors to hungry customers. Queues stretched for miles down formerly dreary Garratt Lane, almost reaching the outskirts of Earlsfield, as scrubbed and perfumed middle-class professionals assembled in their thousands to enjoy a splendid feast after years of having to make do with smelly kebabs and chicken nuggets. 

Wandsworth's stylish new restaurant emporium

WandsworthEye has previously reported in some detail on the endless rows of nauseating underclass fast-food establishments which line the once thriving High Street. Indeed, scarcely an hour goes by without a sodden fried chicken carton being dropped outside Eye HQ by wicked yobby elements. The Eye is watching these activities very carefully and will press for the harshest punishment at the appropriate juncture. 

Now, however, Wandsworth finally has a parade of restaurants more suited to the tastes of respectable, professional people with jobs and regular incomes. No wonder, then, that top of the guest list for this week's launch party were the much-loved trio of glamorous socialites Tamara Parker-Bicyclette, Octavia Belle-Wether and Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest.

Wandsworth 'just like Belgravia now'

"This is the turning point," exclaimed Tamara P-B. "Wandsworth is now the new Belgravia. No longer will I be ashamed to bring my Chelsea friends across the river. Garratt Lane is the place to be!" 

Even an apostrophe in the right place!

There was even talk last night of a new reality TV series being filmed in our vibrant neighbourhood. According to one industry source, the working title for the programme is The Only Way Is Wandsworth. 

Best of all, the stunning new eateries appear to be observing a strict door policy - turning away tramps, vagabonds and habitual tracksuit-wearers from the premises.

Responding to a query from WandsworthEye, Rossopomodoro tweeted: 

 

ROSSOPOMODORO‏@RossopomodoroUK

@WandsworthEye our customers have been lovely, not seen a tracksuit yet!

Council slammed over 'indolent' litter sweepers

With the Chapel Yard litter crisis now well into its second week, WandsworthEye has written to Wandsworth Council demanding immediate action to deal with the unfolding environmental catastrophe. Here is a copy of an email sent today (18/04/13) to the Town Hall's Waste Services department. Once again, the Eye is standing up for our treasured local community. 

Dear Ms Arnell,

Thank you for replying to my email about the uncleared rubbish on Chapel Yard, which is now festering away for the second week running, prompting much interest from local pigeonry. Bags stuffed with bread rolls, sundry empty bottles, shards of menacing-looking glass and many other random items still remain strewn across the yard and are blown over to busy Buckhold Road with every gust of wind. A wonderful sight in central Wandsworth, a mere stone's throw away from newly regenerated Southside shopping centre!

I am utterly exasperated at the buck-passing I have encountered when raising this issue. Property managers Houston Lawrence insist that the passageway linking Chapel Yard and Buckhold Road is Wandsworth Council's responsibility. Tesco, whose High Street Express store backs onto the yard, are adamant the rubbish is nothing to do with them. And now you tell me that the Council itself will do nothing to address the problem because it is private land.

I am attaching three further photographs, taken just one hour ago at 16.15 on 18/04/13, which clearly show a green Wandsworth Council street-sweeping bin parked indolently next to the piles of rotting refuse. Shortly after I took the pictures, a uniformed employee sauntered up to the bin and wheeled it away without lifting a single lazy finger to deal with the yucky manky rubbish which has been blighting this neighbourhood for a fortnight now. It would have taken him maybe 2 minutes to transfer it to his empty bin. But no, he walked away.

In a week where the greatest peacetime Prime Minister of the 20th century has been buried with full military honours, we would do well to remember the way Baroness Thatcher tackled the ugly "jobsworth" culture in our public services. I fully accept that there are unresolved ownership issues surrounding Chapel Yard, with much of the site on private land. However it is literally a stone's throw from the very centre of Wandsworth Town, and I would have hoped that the Council would take some interest in the overall welfare and appearance of this flagship part of the borough. It can be in no one's interests to have flocks of greedy pigeons pecking away incessantly at piles of rancid rubbish, just yards away from key public buildings.

I therefore appeal to you to have this sorted with the utmost urgency. I have already highlighted the issue on Twitter, and am posting a copy of this email on the influential WandsworthEye news blog, which has attracted a national and international readership following its trenchant pursuit of key local issues.

If nothing is done to resolve this neighbourhood crisis, I shall also be contacting the local press and my MP Justine Greening, who I know takes a very dim view of poor standards in public services.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards,

WandsworthEye

Wandsworth in mourning as Dear Leader passes away

Public clamour for statue of beloved Thatcher

The Dear Leader, scourge of the Liberal Democrats

WandsworthEye today led tear-filled public tributes to Baroness Thatcher, whose wise and benign rule brought years of plenty to the borough. In a statement issued by Eye HQ, the much-loved community news service said: 'Today, as tramps and vagabonds roam the streets and Liberal Democrats winkle their cunning way into government, the days of the Dear Leader's munificent and bountiful administration seem like a long-lost golden age of national harmony. WandsworthEye calls on the Town Hall to follow the lead of key public buildings across the country and fly the Union Jack at half mast.'

Amid uncontrollable weeping on the streets of Wandsworth, patriotic citizens queued up outside Eye HQ on Chapel Yard to sign a special Book of Condolence. First in the queue was frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer, who reminisced: 'I remember how she kept the borough together during the dark days of the war. "We shall fight them on the common, we shall fight them on the banks of the Wandle and at Battersea heliport. We shall fight with increasing strength around the Winstanley Estate and on Northcote Road. We shall never surrender." Oh I remember her speech like it was yesterday...'

Glamorous socialite Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest was also waiting patiently in the queue to write loving words of appreciation for the Dear Leader's many good deeds. 'If only we could return to the days when Maggie ruled and order prevailed,' she said, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. 'You never used to get chavvy people in tracksuits eating chicken nuggets on buses while playing tinny rap music on their mobiles when she was Prime Minister.'

Work on a Thatcher statue at the Town Hall will start 'imminently'

Meanwhile, a source close to Wandsworth Town Hall confirmed that building work would soon commence to erect a giant statue of Baroness Thatcher in the building's attractive gardens. 'The idea is for it to tower over the entire borough, dwarfing even the ugly high-rise flats at Southside,' explained one well-informed insider. 'But don't worry, we won't raise council tax to pay for it - we'll just put up manky people's rents.'