Eye/UKIP coalition will save borough from the abyss

There was growing clamour last night for WandsworthEye and much-loved UKIP to forge an historic coalition to save the borough from Ukrainian-style chaos after the disputed May 22 council elections.

Much-loved UKIP poster

With the ruling Conservative group's wafer-thin 40-seat majority on Wandsworth council now under serious threat, community leaders voiced fears that marauding gangs from down-at-heel Roehampton and Tooting could cunningly use post-election uncertainty as a cover to launch daring raids in more prestigious parts of the borough.

Bertram Crudd, chairman of the South-West London Civil Resilience Committee, said: "With WandsworthEye currently attending the crucial Fuerteventura Apostrophe Congress, there is much potential for disorder on the borough's plusher streets such as Chapel Yard."

Eye at 'crucial' Fuerteventura congress 

But in a statement issued last night from Temporary Eye HQ in Corralejo, the much-loved Sentinel of SW18 explained:

"Clearly the enemies of order will be plotting relentless mayhem during the Eye's absence. But fear not. The resolute Deputy Eye and ever-faithful Assistant Deputy Eye are both keeping rigorous watch over the borough until Election Day. 

"Meanwhile, secret negotiations with top-level representatives from UKIP are approaching a successful conclusion and all is now in place for an historic Eye/UKIP coalition to save the borough from the abyss.

"Both parties are united in the firm, unwavering belief that hard-pressed council taxpayers' money must no longer be frittered away on frivolous politically-correct fripperies such as lesbian playgroups and the like. 

"And above all, WandsworthEye and UKIP are the only forces resisting the devious machinations of the treacherous East Wandsworth separatists, who are intent upon rule by loony leftwing Lambeth."