Russia 'seeking to destabilise Eye Cabinet'

Fears rose last night that Russian agents were behind a mysterious spate of illnesses that have struck down key members and allies of the Eye Cabinet in recent days, including Wandsworth Eye himself. "Orders to decapitate the Eye Cabinet have undoubtedly come directly from President Putin," explained Russia expert Prof Boris Johnsonov of Islington Polytechnic. "Wandsworth Eye's sharp critique of Russia's Syria strategy on Twitter last week appears to have been the final straw as far as Putin was concerned. He never forgives an adversary."



Putin orders 'decapitation' strategy against Eye Cabinet



The week of Russian-instigated terror began on Christmas Day when Wandsworth Eye awoke with a severely swollen foot after eating Russian-style biscuits and had to be ferried to Sittingbourne's world-famous Memorial Hospital for emergency aid. As news spread of the Eye's incapacity, news came in that much-loved Lady Crawford had been immobilised - potentially forever - by a severe ankle injury, sustained while queuing for a performance of The Nutcracker at Croydon Town Hall. "We fear that she will never be able to attend another Michael Crawford book signing again," a hospital spokesman sighed.

 



Ambulances race to ferry Eye Cabinet members to hospital

 

Matters then deteriorated on an hourly basis: Eye Cabinet stalwart Michael Davis was rushed to hospital with chest pains just hours after drinking tea with pro-Russian Labour leftwingers in a London hotel; and much-loved Arcturus 3 was cruelly struck down with Norovirus as she opened a book of Russian short stories borrowed from Streatham Hill library - only miles from the Russian embassy.

 

"There is a clear pattern emerging here," said Colonel Bertram Crudd of Wandsworth's Civil Contingencies Commissariat. "All known opponents of President Putin in the Brighter Borough are being ruthlessly targeted by cunning Russian agents who will stop at nothing to silence their opponents."

 

As police, ambulance and fire service vehicles raced noisily down Wandsworth High Street in pursuit of the evil assailants from Moscow, anxious shoppers flocked to the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's to stock up on the grocery chain's much-loved tinned chicken curry and other fine fare. Frail spinster Ethel Dumpton was among them. "Eee, it's just like the war," she commented perceptively. "I remember when Gladstone took our boys back from Dunkirk and Disraeli came to power - ooh they were hard times but we all pulled together. It's just like in them days."

 

 

Eye hailed as 'hero of the valleys'

Busloads of Welsh steelworkers were arriving at Gatwick North Terminal this afternoon to welcome Wandsworth Eye back from his successful mission to save their ailing industry. The Eye flew to the French Riviera on Monday in a last-ditch bid to rescue the Port Talbot steelworks after cruel owners Tata of India pulled the plug on the much-loved industrial complex.



French Riviera: high-powered meetings



At a time of year when most people's thoughts turn to summer holidays, the Eye went straight into high-powered meetings with local steel magnates on the Côte d'Azur, pleading with them to rescue the heart and soul of the Welsh valleys. Eager to leave no stone unturned, the Eye also plundered his celebrity contact book to arrange conference calls with wealthy potential benefactors including Roman Abramovitch, Sophia Loren and Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Eye's hectic schedule 

The Eye's hectic schedule took him to dreary meetings in St-Jean-Cap-Ferrat, Villefranche-sur-Mer, Menton, Entrevaux and Antibes. And it was there, late on Friday afternoon, that the breakthrough came: an invitation to discuss the Port Talbot crisis with much-loved industrial tycoon Richard Roper at his modest pied-à-terre on Cap d'Antibes.

 

Roper's modest residence 

A source said of the encounter: "This was the breakthrough. Mr Roper had heard all about the Eye and saw in him the ideal business partner. Contracts will shortly be signed guaranteeing Port Talbot years of fruitful work. The new joint venture, Roper Eye Consulting, plans further investments in the Middle East and North Africa - which, alas, will mean much arduous business travel for the Eye in the months to come. It is most unfortunate, as the Eye had hoped to visit his dear old Aunt Mabel in Scunthorpe this summer, but work must come first."

 

Jubilant Welsh steelworkers clad in traditional costumes gathered at Gatwick's plush North Terminal this afternoon to welcome the Eye back to Britain. Their spokesman, Dafydd Davies, said: "Cwm gwillm chwil Roper Eye Consulting cwm Cymru bravo gogogoch!"