Russia 'seeking to destabilise Eye Cabinet'

Fears rose last night that Russian agents were behind a mysterious spate of illnesses that have struck down key members and allies of the Eye Cabinet in recent days, including Wandsworth Eye himself. "Orders to decapitate the Eye Cabinet have undoubtedly come directly from President Putin," explained Russia expert Prof Boris Johnsonov of Islington Polytechnic. "Wandsworth Eye's sharp critique of Russia's Syria strategy on Twitter last week appears to have been the final straw as far as Putin was concerned. He never forgives an adversary."



Putin orders 'decapitation' strategy against Eye Cabinet



The week of Russian-instigated terror began on Christmas Day when Wandsworth Eye awoke with a severely swollen foot after eating Russian-style biscuits and had to be ferried to Sittingbourne's world-famous Memorial Hospital for emergency aid. As news spread of the Eye's incapacity, news came in that much-loved Lady Crawford had been immobilised - potentially forever - by a severe ankle injury, sustained while queuing for a performance of The Nutcracker at Croydon Town Hall. "We fear that she will never be able to attend another Michael Crawford book signing again," a hospital spokesman sighed.

 



Ambulances race to ferry Eye Cabinet members to hospital

 

Matters then deteriorated on an hourly basis: Eye Cabinet stalwart Michael Davis was rushed to hospital with chest pains just hours after drinking tea with pro-Russian Labour leftwingers in a London hotel; and much-loved Arcturus 3 was cruelly struck down with Norovirus as she opened a book of Russian short stories borrowed from Streatham Hill library - only miles from the Russian embassy.

 

"There is a clear pattern emerging here," said Colonel Bertram Crudd of Wandsworth's Civil Contingencies Commissariat. "All known opponents of President Putin in the Brighter Borough are being ruthlessly targeted by cunning Russian agents who will stop at nothing to silence their opponents."

 

As police, ambulance and fire service vehicles raced noisily down Wandsworth High Street in pursuit of the evil assailants from Moscow, anxious shoppers flocked to the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's to stock up on the grocery chain's much-loved tinned chicken curry and other fine fare. Frail spinster Ethel Dumpton was among them. "Eee, it's just like the war," she commented perceptively. "I remember when Gladstone took our boys back from Dunkirk and Disraeli came to power - ooh they were hard times but we all pulled together. It's just like in them days."

 

 

Ukraine crisis spreads to Wandsworth

• UN Security Council 'in emergency session'
• Reports of street fighting across Roehampton
• Garratt Lane Sainsbury's 'running out of baked beans'

In a dramatic escalation of the Ukraine crisis, there were reports last night of pro-Russian separatists storming community buildings in outlying districts of Wandsworth, close to the much-loved borough's disputed borders with Lambeth, Merton and Richmond. The UN Security Council was said to be 'in emergency session' as world leaders including Barack Obama, Angela Merkel and WandsworthEye appealed for calm. But President Putin condemned preparations for the borough council elections on May 22 as "a farce" and vowed he would not hesitate to step in to protect Russia's interests if LibDem supporters were prevented from casting their vote.    

Pro-Russian militiamen marching through the streets of Roehampton

Observers on the ground said the crisis reached Wandsworth late on Friday night after drunken youths ransacked a chicken nugget shop on Roehampton's plush main shopping parade. "The owner picked up the phone and called Moscow, and minutes later burly men clad in combat gear and balaclavas appeared on the streets with sub-machine guns," explained one local. Shortly afterwards the JobCentre, housing benefit office and headquarters of Roehampton UKIP were stormed by pro-Russian separatists. "It were pandemonium," said frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton as she peeped nervously through her net curtains. "I'll never get out now to buy me cat food and custard creams."

Harrowing scenes of devastation at Tooting Broadway

Within hours the street-fighting had spread to other less salubrious parts of the borough, including North Battersea and Tooting Broadway. Residents in the more upmarket Wandsworth Town area flocked to the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's to stock up on emergency provisions. "We well remember the Eye's wise advice during the height of last year's terrifying North Korean crisis," said housewife Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, clutching a basket of tinned tuna and toilet tissue. "With those horrid Russians running amok throughout the borough it is best to be prepared for all eventualities."  

President Putin directs operations in SW18 from his Moscow lair

As fearful residents rushed to their bunkers, WandsworthEye's Government-in-waiting met at Eye HQ in Chapel Yard for top-level discussions. In a statement issued late last night, the much-loved community watchdog and Sentinel of SW18 said: "The Eye, the Deputy Eye, the Assistant Deputy Eye, the Eye Political Consultant and Eye Spokesperson for Women's Issues demand the immediate removal of Russian troops from the streets of Tooting, though they are perfectly welcome to maintain order in Roehampton. In fact, Russia can just have Roehampton. Would Moscow like a generous IMF loan to help finance its occupation? All can be arranged."