DUP rule 'will bring godly ways to Wandsworth'

SINNERS across the borough trembled last night as hardline DUP leader Arlene Foster prepared for crucial coalition talks with Theresa May and warned of a 'crusade against vice' if a deal on a new government was reached.

DUP leader Arlene Foster 'in crusade against vice and sin'

Thursday's inconclusive general election result has put the much-feared Democratic Unionist Party in pole position to determine the moral direction of the next government, and Mrs Foster has been quick to insist on far-reaching anti-sin legislation in the Queen's Speech.

A source close to the feisty crusader said: 'For too long sordid and ungodly practices have held sway in Wandsworth. Only the DUP can put family values back at the heart of the borough.'

Loyalist marching band on Wandsworth High Street

As loyalist marching bands paraded down Wandsworth High Street, fearful residents voiced concern that their liberal lifestyles would be at risk under the new ultra-right administration. Sixteen-year-old Chavetta Nkokmah wept as she said: 'I loved Nathan off in the back of the bus last night, yeah. Dem DUP bruvs gonna tell us we can't do dat no more, yeah. Gonna be major probs wiv dat yeah.'

Last night the DUP's ultra-hardline Home Affairs Spokesman, Reverend Benny Saville, announced he would be seeking the establishment of a Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, along Saudi Arabian lines. Warning Wandsworth's citizens to banish lustful thoughts from their minds, he said: 'The DUP will ensure that all centres of vice are subjected to the most rigorous probe. Fiscal and moral rectitude will be the order of the day when the new DUP-led administration brings its godly ways to the borough.'

'Den of iniquity' - the much-loved Spread Eagle 

Wandsworth Eye has learned that DUP circles are reportedly preparing a hitlist of 'dens of iniquity' in the borough that will be closed down when Reverend Saville becomes Home Secretary. The much-loved Spread Eagle pub, the men's changing room at Putney Leisure Centre and the Patisserie Valerie in the Southside branch of Debenhams are all said to be targets of the Ulsterman's moral fervour. 

'Ooh it'll be just like the war again,' said frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton. 'They closed down the Clapham Grand when a sailor pinched me bottom at a tea dance one afternoon. Ooh them were the days...'

Wandsworth 'set to win Britain in Bloom competition'

 

Excitement was mounting in horticultural circles last night amid feverish speculation that Wandsworth would win the prestigious 'Britain in Bloom' competition.

 

The Brighter Borough has long been an eager participant in the annual RHS campaign, in which neighbours up and down the country transform their areas into natural havens.

 

But this year SW18's residents have certainly pulled out all the stops. The centrepiece of the borough's entry to the 2017 competition is the attractively laid-out "Winter of Discontent" art installation in Chapel Yard.

 

The much-loved "Winter of Discontent" open-air art project

 

Just a stone's throw from Eye HQ and Southside shopping centre, the innovative project seeks to dispel myths about life under Labour in the 1970s. A party spokesman explained: "The mainstream media spread such vicious lies about socialism. This artfully arranged exhibit of uncollected garbage from a working-class household tells a compelling story about solidarity with the poor and vulnerable."

 

Residents' pride and joy: a fully grown Mattress Plant

 

Another highlight of Wandsworth's eagerly awaited entry to the Britain in Bloom contest is this unusual Mattress Plant in an otherwise unassuming alleyway between the High Street and Chapel Yard. "I've never seen one as big as this before," said a source close to the Royal Horticultural Society. "They're sure to win this time!"

 

Council praised for "verdant suburban idyll"

 

Environmental experts across the land have been quick to praise Wandsworth Council for its "outstanding" leadership role in transforming the borough from industrial wasteland to verdant suburban idyll. "It is truly remarkable what they've achieved," said a source close to the Prince of Wales. "Once Wandsworth was home to monstrous carbuncles. Now it is a veritable haven for wildlife. I shall be sending a delegation over from Poundbury to see what lessons can be learned. The council must be well pleased with the impact of its proactive urban beautification regime."