CRISIS OVER 'IRRESPONSIBLE' NEW WANDSWORTH CO-OP

• No planning permission for garish green balloons
• Pensioners in peril in narrow aisles
• Sweets, cakes and chocolates 'will cause obesity explosion'

There were mounting calls last night for Wandsworth's glamorous new Co-operative store to be bulldozed down amid a litany of complaints about the retailer's "irresponsible" behaviour. The new food outlet, conveniently situated on the corner of Buckhold Road and Chapel Yard, is but a stone's throw from Eye HQ in the very heart of Wandsworth. 

Frail pensioner in peril 

However, within hours of its long-awaited opening on Monday morning, officials at the South-West London Health & Safety Inspectorate were convening emergency sessions of their much-feared Resilience Committee to address mounting concerns over the garish green balloons surrounding the store's entrance.

"So far as we can ascertain, no planning permission was secured for the balloons in question," explained Bertram Crudd, Stakeholder Engagement Supervisor at the SWLHSI. "This wilful disregard of due procedure casts a very poor light on the social responsibility of the Co-operative Group. Coming so soon after the shameless shenanigans of rampant Reverend Flowers, we believe the entire organisation should now be disbanded."

Pensioners' campaign groups were also aghast at the 'confusing' store entrance and warned that frail old folk could get their walking sticks caught up in the plethora of balloons. Local resident Doris Elzheimer, one of the first customers to visit the new store on Monday morning, said: "It's a right mess, I don't know how I'm going to get me buggy in there. Them aisles are too narrow 'n all. It reminds me of that time a tin of corned beef fell on Mabel Drearie's head in Frobisher's Grocery Emporium back in 1939. Those were the days. It were just after William Gladstone became Queen. Eee, I remember it like it were yesterday."

Sweets 'so dangerous for health'

Meanwhile, slim middle-class shoppers complained that much of the retail space in the lavish new store appeared to be dominated by sweets, cakes, chocolates and other unhealthy fare. "I came in here for some organic low-cal celery and diet mineral water," explained glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette, "but nowhere are they to be found. Instead, the entire place seems reminiscent of the Elephant & Castle Tesco - not that I've ever been there."

Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above one of the district's better chicken shops, sighed as she struggled to squeeze past pasty-faced mothers with cumbersome pushchairs. "Even the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's attracts a better class of customer," she said. "I know WandsworthEye always warns so trenchantly of Garratt Lane's many failings, but I for one will continue to shop there. I do love the constant announcements telling us how to use the new escalator. So handy."

Garish offers 'will attract chavs'

WandsworthEye wishes its phalanx of devoted followers a Merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous 2014.   

Borough 'will starve to death when Sainsbury's closes'

Charities, church and local government organisations were hurriedly preparing contingency plans last night as fears rose of widespread famine throughout SW18 when notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's closes its doors on November 19.

The callous store, whose endless refit has already driven many of WandsworthEye's followers to the brink of despair, will be shut for over a week during the key pre-festive shopping period, forcing respectable citizens to dice with death at Poundland and other nearby retail outlets. 

Notorious store announces callous closure

"I don't know what I'm going to do," wept frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton. "Where'm I gonna get me cat food and me custard creams?"

Her friend Doris Elzheimer recalled: "It'll be just like when Frobisher's grocery stores had to close when a bomb dropped on it in World War Two. I remember it like it were yesterday. It were just after Mr Gladstone came to open the new branch of Asda down Clapham Junction way..."

As public health bodies scrambled to deal with the expected borough-wide famine, there were calls for WandsworthEye to provide an emergency soup kitchen featuring its much-loved Liver Dumpling Broth. A spokesman at Eye HQ said this option would indeed be considered - though there was concern that the kindly service might be abused by local tramps and vagabonds.

With the clock ticking down to the fateful day of November 19, panic-stricken customers stripped the shelves of Garratt Lane Sainsbury's even barer than they usually are. Choice morsels including tins of Sainsbury's own brand chicken curry were proving especially popular as the borough hunkered down for the cold, harsh winter.

Some of the lavish products for sale at plush Garratt Lane Sainsbury's

"Oh WandsworthEye, what shall we do?" cried glamorous socialite Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest as she spent her last pennies on some of the tempting fare on display. "If only the Liberal Democrats hadn't been let into government, things would all be so much better. Let us heed the wise words of WandsworthEye and ignore the siren voices Clegg and Cable!" 

Eye 'set to be the new Nigel Slater'

The Eye's phalanx of devoted followers were overjoyed last night as Wandsworth's trenchant community leader received fulsome endorsement from much-loved TV chef Nigel Slater.

WandsworthEye has long been famed throughout SW18 for tweeting incisively about matters of local, national and global import. But in an exciting new departure, the Chapel Yard scribe has now begun sharing details of his hearty home cooking with his burgeoning army of avid followers.

And in a stunning development this week, culinary king Nigel Slater took to social media to admit that the Eye was now on the verge of usurping his own position as the nation's number one expert in frugal fare:

Eye followers were delighted by Slater's intervention and urged their trenchant leader to take the TV star's advice and grow a rakish beard. Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above a chicken shop on Wandsworth High Street, said: "This is the endorsement we've all been waiting for! Oh do grow a lusty beard, sagacious Eye, and please divulge your secret recipe for Bavarian-style liver dumpling broth!"

Opera studio's rage at 'slovenly' neighbours

The opera studio: magnet for borough's high society 

Wandsworth was in uproar last night as sources close to the National Opera Studio lambasted its 'slummy' neighbours and warned that the much-loved institution might have to relocate to a more salubrious district.

The Opera Studio, whose premises lie but a stone's throw from Eye HQ in Chapel Yard, has long been a magnet for the borough's high society.

Glamorous socialites including Tamara Parker-Bicyclette, Octavia Belle-Wether and Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest are often to be seen at the studio's A-list champagne receptions, mingling with key local councillors and other important figures.

But angry opera singers are now said to be threatening to boycott the studio's popular lunchtime recitals. According to one well-placed source, Chapel Yard has just become "too manky" for the superstars in recent months.

"There's always been a problem in this area with people thoughtlessly dropping fried chicken cartons into the gutter," she explained. "But then we had workmen in dirty overalls starting to loiter in the yard smoking cigarettes. And when a slovenly, chaotic family moved into the apartment block opposite our building, that was the final straw for many. They said Chapel Yard had become just as common as Romford."

The slovenly family's higgledy-piggledy balcony

The Opera Studio's harsh words were echoed by many in the once august, dignified neighbourhood. Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above a nearby chicken shop, said: "I for one would not be seen dead in Chapel Yard. Those manky people who've strewn their lovely balcony with all manner of ghastly clutter should hang their heads in shame."

And frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer concurred wholeheartedly. "It used to be so lovely round here," she recalled, with tears coming to her eyes. "I remember when Mr Gladstone opened the village fete in 1924, it was just after Mrs Thatcher came to power. Ooh them miners and that General Galtieri, they were an 'orrible lot they were. We never liked them."

Back at the National Opera Studio, there was speculation last night that much-loved Italian mezzo-soprano Esmerelda Borlotti-Pappardelle might cancel her forthcoming recital, solely because of the wicked dishevelled ways of Chapel Yard's slovenly denizens.

"It's absolutely heartbreaking," wailed one source. "We've gone to all this trouble to get rid of the pooing pigeons and now there's this horrid manky family living opposite. If only we'd listened to the wise, prescient words of WandsworthEye, who warned that no good would ever come of letting the LibDems into government."

Glamorous Wandsworth Debenhams 'to open within days'

There was mounting excitement in the borough last night as eager residents awaited the imminent opening of the plush new Debenhams store at Southside shopping centre. A mile-long queue stretched along Garratt Lane as impatient shoppers vied to be the first through the doors of the glamorous new department store on the site of the hated former post office.

'Only days' to wait till the grand opening

"This gonna be wicked, yeah," ventured single mother Chavetta Nkokmah, one of the first in the line. "Ay fort this gonna be queue for new ay-phone yeah. But Debenhams comin' to Wandsworf yeah. Gonna be even more cool than new ay-phone yeah."  

Final preparations are underway in the perfume hall

Glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette was equally enthused. "How right Ms Nkokmah is," she exclaimed. "And just to think - only a few weeks ago all there was here was a horrid, manky post office full of smelly people collecting their benefits. Ugh. One shudders to recall what Wandsworth used to be like in days gone by."

The Reverend Benny Saville, chairman of the Anti-Lust Alliance, watched contentedly as workmen put the finishing touches to the perfume hall on the ground floor of the new multi-storey retail emporium. "What a splendid addition to our vibrant local community," he said. "But I do hope the men's lavatories won't become a centre for untoward activities as they have at Debenhams' notorious Clapham Junction branch..."

A source close to the much-loved department store chain confirmed last night that the long-awaited grand opening was now just days away. "About 733 days to be exact," he explained. Speculation was rife that an A-list celebrity would be cutting the ribbon on the great day. "We're hoping to get a leading LibDem luminary," said another source. "Except that could be a little difficult as they're all under lock and key these days. We may have to make do with Godfrey Bloom instead."

Borough hails appointment of 'rigorous' Deputy Eye

Residents were clinking their glasses last night following the appointment of a much-loved veteran social commentator as DeputyWandsworthEye. Hubert Montague-Postlethwaite - who tweets as @Wandsworth3 - was chosen from a field of thousands of eager candidates. In his acceptance tweet, he wrote: "I am humbled, honoured and somewhat in awe at the responsibilities that await me." 

The profile page of much-loved Montague-Postlethwaite

WandsworthEye HQ issued the following statement last night: "The appointment of a Deputy Eye has become a matter of the most pressing urgency. In recent months the Eye has been compelled to attend an endless series of dreary apostrophe congresses in locations including Madeira, the Canary Islands, Spain, Portugal, the Czech Republic and Germany. Ever mindful of the need to remain vigilant at home, and to act trenchantly in the face of the depredations and machinations of tramps, vagabonds and Liberal Democrats, the Eye hereby appoints trusted follower @Wandsworth3 as Deputy Eye, with full authority to use the Eye brand in the battle for law, order, decency and above all family values. Let us now step up the fight against tracksuit-wearing and chicken nuggetry in SW18!"

The Eye's wise move was widely applauded in the borough last night. The Reverend Benny Savile of the Anti-Lust Alliance said: "I welcome this timely appointment. DeputyWandsworthEye has a proven track-record of speaking out against perversion. Our neighbourhood will be much the safer for his rigorous vigilance."

Frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton agreed. "It's just like in the war," she recalled, "when Lloyd George was Prime Minister and Mr Gladstone was his deputy. Oh I do hope the new Deputy Eye will help bring down the price of cat food and custard creams - especially in Sainsbury's on Garratt Lane, where you can never find anything anymore and the prices are always 20p more than it said on the shelves..."

Non-stop Tube announcements 'are so handy'

Regular users of the District Line were overjoyed last night as a London Underground source confirmed the roll-out of a popular new policy under which maximum-volume announcements will be made non-stop on all tube trains and at all tube stations. "Not everyone has a smartphone to play with on long, tedious journeys," the source explained. "So with immediate effect, all tube drivers have been instructed to make long-winded announcements in a grating Estuary accent for the entire duration of every journey." He added: "Station staff will do their bit too, perpetually advising passengers that the train calls at all stations to Upminster, to board the train by all available doors, and to move right down the carriage."

Tube doors 'so confusing', say passengers

Wandsworth commuters welcomed the new policy last night and said they could not wait for their next tube journey. "This will be so handy for when I pop down to Harvey Nicks," explained glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette. "I always used to worry in case the tube only stopped at every fifth station and I might inadvertently end up somewhere manky like Dagenham. But now I'll know for sure that the train will call at all stations, thanks to these helpful and timely announcements."

Admin assistant Chavetta Nkokmah, who spends most of her daily journey to Cannon Street painting her two-inch-long fingernails, was relieved at the prospect of greater clarity surrounding the boarding of crowded tube trains. "Used to be so confusin, yeah. Never knew what door to get on the train, yeah. Now is gonna be announcements, yeah. Gonna tellin us we can get on the train usin every door, yeah."

WandsworthEye can exclusively reveal that District Line tube drivers have been issued with standard scripts to read out during the long journey from Wimbledon to Upminster. A leaked extract of the Customer Reassurance Announcement Policy recommends that drivers turn the public address system up to maximum volume and then repeat the following on an endless loop:

"This is your District Loin trine to Upminster callin at aw stations to Upminster. Moind the gap between the troin and the platfowm. A good service is runnin on aw ovver loins. Once again loidies an gentlemen, please move roit daaan the carriages an bowd the troin usin aw avaiabaw doors. Moind the gap. We've stopped at a red signaw an we should be movin shawtly."

As spontaneous cheering broke out among delighted passengers, London Underground's executive in charge of the new policy explained: "The roll-out of CRAP shows we are absolutely clear about delivering for stakeholders going forward."