Non-stop Tube announcements 'are so handy'

Regular users of the District Line were overjoyed last night as a London Underground source confirmed the roll-out of a popular new policy under which maximum-volume announcements will be made non-stop on all tube trains and at all tube stations. "Not everyone has a smartphone to play with on long, tedious journeys," the source explained. "So with immediate effect, all tube drivers have been instructed to make long-winded announcements in a grating Estuary accent for the entire duration of every journey." He added: "Station staff will do their bit too, perpetually advising passengers that the train calls at all stations to Upminster, to board the train by all available doors, and to move right down the carriage."

Tube doors 'so confusing', say passengers

Wandsworth commuters welcomed the new policy last night and said they could not wait for their next tube journey. "This will be so handy for when I pop down to Harvey Nicks," explained glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette. "I always used to worry in case the tube only stopped at every fifth station and I might inadvertently end up somewhere manky like Dagenham. But now I'll know for sure that the train will call at all stations, thanks to these helpful and timely announcements."

Admin assistant Chavetta Nkokmah, who spends most of her daily journey to Cannon Street painting her two-inch-long fingernails, was relieved at the prospect of greater clarity surrounding the boarding of crowded tube trains. "Used to be so confusin, yeah. Never knew what door to get on the train, yeah. Now is gonna be announcements, yeah. Gonna tellin us we can get on the train usin every door, yeah."

WandsworthEye can exclusively reveal that District Line tube drivers have been issued with standard scripts to read out during the long journey from Wimbledon to Upminster. A leaked extract of the Customer Reassurance Announcement Policy recommends that drivers turn the public address system up to maximum volume and then repeat the following on an endless loop:

"This is your District Loin trine to Upminster callin at aw stations to Upminster. Moind the gap between the troin and the platfowm. A good service is runnin on aw ovver loins. Once again loidies an gentlemen, please move roit daaan the carriages an bowd the troin usin aw avaiabaw doors. Moind the gap. We've stopped at a red signaw an we should be movin shawtly."

As spontaneous cheering broke out among delighted passengers, London Underground's executive in charge of the new policy explained: "The roll-out of CRAP shows we are absolutely clear about delivering for stakeholders going forward."