Frail pensioners 'confused' over two new post offices

Celebrations were held across the borough last night as the hated Post Office on Garratt Lane was boarded up in preparation for the final stage of redevelopment at Southside shopping centre. A glittering new Debenhams department store will now rise above the forlorn Arndale Walk where drug addicts and single mothers once congregated, and lavishly-appointed new post offices are opening on Monday at Southside and on the High Street - just a stone's throw from WandsworthEye HQ.

The vast new post office at Southside shopping centre

The far-reaching changes have been broadly welcomed across the community. Glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette said: "Thank God I no longer have to walk past the surly, sullen youths on Garratt Lane when I want to buy some pretty stamps for my handwritten epistles. It's disgusting the way they sit on their poxy bikes with their pants hanging out and their bums showing. Ugh."

High street branch 'handy for the chicken shop'

Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above one of the borough's better chicken shops, was particularly thrilled about the new post office on Wandsworth High Street. "I'm a little concerned about its proximity to the notorious tramps' and vagabonds' bench across the road," she conceded, "but on the whole this is a positive move for the community. And so handy for people visiting Dallas Chicken & Ribs, which is right next door."

Staff at Dallas were elated that the prestigious Post Office had decided to open a branch adjacent to their already much-loved food emporium. A source close to the management said the restaurant was already working on special pensioners' meals to appeal to the post office's core clientele. Custard-cream fritters and cat-food-coated chicken nuggets are "in the early stages of development", the source indicated.

However frail pensioners were confused last night about the complex arrangements at Wandsworth's two new post office branches. "Where do we go to get our ration books now?" asked Ethel Dumpton as she stood perplexed outside the boarded-up Garratt Lane branch. Her friend Mabel Drearie raged: "I'm not going anywhere near them tramps and vagabonds on the High Street. And that new post office in Southside is far too posh for the likes of me. I'll just have to starve now that I can't get me pension."

WandsworthEye will be rigorously monitoring developments all week via webcam from the Bohemian Apostrophe Congress, which begins on Monday night.