Stunning victory for Eye's apostrophe crusade!

Apostrophe watchdogs and other right-minded folk were celebrating on the streets of Wandsworth last night after Southside shopping centre apologised for an apostrophe crime which shook the entire borough to its core. 

In a major victory for WandsworthEye's much-praised crusade against apostrophe misuse, representatives of the glittering shopping emporium acknowledged the widespread pain their grammatical incontinence had induced. And there are now signs that Southside will step up work on the planned new Debenhams department store in the new year as a gesture of contrition.

Southside - scene of a shocking apostrophe crime

The row erupted shortly before Christmas, when ever-vigilant WandsworthEye spotted a heinous apostrophe crime cunningly hidden  away in Southside's corporate Twitter feed. "Who said January's were gloomy?" the shameless mall asked - single-handedly laying waste to decades of hard work by the nation's English teachers.

WandsworthEye immediately sprang into action, denouncing the "imbeciles" responsible for this wanton linguistic vandalism. As fury mounted across the borough, the Eye's injunction went viral and was retweeted twice by its phalanx of devoted followers. And then, in a stunning expression of contrition, Southside's corporate Twitter feed released the following comprehensive statement: "I was only trying to help :-( "

However local apostrophe campaigners were unimpressed. "This kind of behaviour cannot go unpunished," said Chantelle M. of Roehampton Apostrophe Action. "To sprinkle extraneous apostrophes around the borough like confetti is unforgiveable at a time of economic austerity. Moreover research has conclusively found that the overuse of apostrophes is directly linked to global warming. Thank heavens for WandsworthEye, without whom the next generation of children would grow up in ignorance."

Matters finally came to a head when the Eye alluded to Southside's major expansion plans in its next tweet: "@SouthsideSW18 is forgiven its wicked apostrophe crime if it can hurry up and build that snazzy new Debenhams," the borough's consumer champion declared.

And in a major triumph for WandsworthEye, Southside immediately responded: "Leave it with me. I'll see what I can do."

There were scenes of celebration on Garratt Lane last night as jubilant crowds held an impromptu street party in the pouring rain and waited eagerly by the vast construction site for the imminent opening of Wandsworth's lavish new department store. "I thought I'd get here nice and early," explained OAP Ethel Dumpton. "I wonder if they'll stock cat food and custard creams in that posh new Debenhams? I'm only a frail pensioner, I can't afford nuffing else."

As the year drew to a close there were fears, however, that celebrations could be marred by the actions of the hated Apostrophe Liberation Front, who threatened to release apostrophes in random attacks across the borough - even in front of children. "Vigilance must still be the order of the day," warned a source close to WandsworthEye. "Let us all join forces to protect our cherished community against the depredations of apostrophe criminals."

Chicken nugget yobs plunge neighbourhood into 'nightmare of despair'

Wandsworth families abandoned their Christmas celebrations last night after the opening of yet another fast food outlet plunged the neighbourhood into 'a nightmare of dark despair'. Residents looked on in disbelief as 110 Wandsworth High Street opened its doors to tracksuit-wearing hooligans with a menu offering smelly chicken nuggets, chips, kebabs and other rancid fodder of that ilk. "I'm practically speechless," said Tamara Parker-Bicyclette as she hurried daughter Timpani along to her clavichord lesson. "What we needed on the High Street was a nice little Waitrose or mini-Selfridges. Even a Cath Kidston or a Fat Face would have been perfectly alright. But yet more manky working-class yuck-food? Ugh."

Extra-wide door for fat customers

William's chicken, pizza, kebab and fish & chip emporium features a specially wide door to enable fat customers to drive their extra-large mobility scooters in and out to their hearts' delight - all while clutching vast stacks of artery-clogging junk food. Needless to say, the surrounding streets are already awash with litter as wicked chicken nugget yobs toss their discarded containers onto the pavement. "It's now become practically impossible to walk down the road without having to climb over mountains of junk food debris," complained Colonel Hartley of Tunbridge Wells, who is currently holidaying in the borough. "Now some might blame the parents, but I don't. I blame the Liberal Democrats, who have led this country down the path to ruin ever since they winkled their wicked way into government back in 2010. God how I hate them."

Last night residents were gathering at public rallies across the borough, demanding the complete banning of chicken nugget outlets, tracksuit bottoms and Liberal Democrats. There were tears in the eyes of some elderly demonstrators as they reminisced about the days before the LibDem menace began. "It was all Lyons Corner Houses then," said Henrietta Harpington as she dabbed her runny nose in the cold. "You had waitresses with aprons, and everything was spick and span. But then the Liberal Democrats got in, and the whole country became overrun by lesbians, paedophiles and asylum seekers. No wonder people are driven to eating chicken nuggets."

WandsworthEye wishes its phalanx of devoted followers a Merry Christmas despite the ongoing chicken nugget terror, and reminds readers to donate generously to tramps' and vagabonds' charities at this festive time of year.

Tramps, vagabonds and asylum seekers 'desecrating Christmas tree'

At this joyous time of year, cherubs' faces light up when they pass the resplendent Christmas tree on Wandsworth High Street. Visitors from far and wide flock to SW18 to admire the lavishly decorated fir, bedecked with a veritable cascade of glittering lights. But fears were rising last night that this much-loved festive fixture could fall victim to the cunning depredations of tramps, vagabonds and even asylum-seekers.

The Yuletide tree in all its splendour

The lovely tree, clearly visible from WandsworthEye HQ high above the rooftops of southwest London, was erected over the weekend as wintry weather held sway across the borough. Lusty carol-singing could be heard from adjacent All Saints Church. However just a stone's throw away lie the notorious tramps' and vagabonds' benches where - on sunny days - cider-swigging gentlemen of a certain age can be seen holding court. "It's only a matter of time before they lay waste to the Christmas tree," warned one source close to the Wandsworth branch of UKIP. "In fact I'm sure I already saw them plundering the branches of baubles, in connivance with escaped detained asylum-seekers." 

'Only a matter of time' before T&V raid

Colonel Hartley of Tunbridge Wells, currently holidaying in the borough, remarked: "What a splendid tree. But I would caution against placing it in such close proximity to known centres of T&V activity. People of their ilk are unlikely to leave this festive treat unscathed. Moreover, the Christmas tree is so easily reached from sinister Roehampton on the 170 bus. Tracksuit-wearing single mothers will soon be ravaging the tree, snatching trinkets off the branches to exchange for sordid cigarettes and lottery tickets. Ugh."

There was general agreement last night on the streets of Wandsworth that the much-loved Christmas tree would soon be damaged beyond repair. "Astonishing, this moral collapse since the Liberal Democrats got into power," commented Reverend Benny Savile of the Anti-Lust Alliance. "If only people had listened to WandsworthEye, whose trenchant commentaries are proving ever more timely."  

Call for vigilance as water found at swimming pool

Staff at Putney Leisure Centre were horrified last night to discover treacherous wet floors in the vicinity of the swimming pool. As fears mounted of accidents by the dozen, managers ordered bright yellow warning signs to be moved into position at key poolside locations and around the showers, toilets and changing rooms.

Displayed in the nick of time

An insider at the much-loved leisure emporium explained: "A member of the public came running to the front desk at around 1600 hours. He had just come out of the swimming pool, was about to take off his dripping wet Speedos, and suddenly noticed perilous drops of water on the floor beneath him. Our staff rushed to the scene immediately and activated the Leisure Centre's health & safety contingency plan. The entire area was roped off and warning signs placed at strategic intervals. We must stress that Putney Leisure Centre continues to be a safe and welcoming environment for all the family, but vigilance must be the order of the day until every last drop of water has been identified and removed."

A spokesman for the Regional Health & Safety Inspectorate praised Putney Leisure Centre's timely actions. "This is a good example of best practice," said Inspector-General Albert Eagerly. "Staff and customers would have been in grave peril had the wet floors not been properly signposted. Frail pensioners would have slipped over and broken their last remaining bones; pregnant mothers would have plummeted cruelly to their deaths; and innocent children would have slipped on the wetness and been taken advantage of by cunning paedophiles. I shudder to think of all the chilling consequences of inaction."

The Spanish ambassador also intervened to praise Putney Leisure Centre for including "wet floor" warnings in Spanish. "This is most kind of the English authorities," he said. "We in Spain are not well-acquainted with the properties of water, and most of our people would have expected arid conditions to prevail at a swimming pool. Thanks to these useful and informative warning signs, however, we now know better."  

Call to truncate 'working class' bus

Middle-class families are pleading with London Buses to alter the route of the much-hated 170 bus so that it no longer serves the sinister and notorious council estate at Roehampton. Leading local residents want the controversial service to be truncated at well-to-do Putney Heath so that they no longer have to travel in the same vehicle as lesser folk from the borough's poverty-stricken periphery.  
 

The hated 170 bus besieged by reckless yobs

The 170 bus has long played a crucial role in the borough's multifarious transport infrastructure. Beginning its long journey at Victoria station, it serves some of the most exclusive neighbourhoods of Chelsea, Battersea Village and Putney Heath. However rather than terminating by the heathside like most normal buses, the 170 controversially continues to Roehampton - a ghetto-like area plagued by violent disorder and yobbery. As a result, middle-class passengers are all too often confronted with distasteful scenes, as tracksuit-wearing single mothers jostle their way onto the crowded bus armed with Poundland carrier bags and cartons crammed full of smelly chicken nuggets.

 

 

 

 

Middle-class passengers trembling in fear

 

"The situation has become completely untenable," complained Selfridgia Aliceband as she hurried her daughter Timpani along to clavichord practice. "One does one's bit for the environment by taking the bus, and is veritably forced to travel with all these manky people. Why can't they have their own separate bus to take them to and from Poundland and the chicken nugget emporium?" 

 

Colonel Hartley of Tunbridge Wells, currently holidaying in the borough, echoed her thoughts. "I have to say I am shocked that buses used by respectable middle-class families are deliberately routed into festering centres of crime and antisocial behaviour. This would not happen in Tunbridge Wells. But then again - it is just typical of the way the Liberal Democrats have ruined this country since they got their hands on power. If only people had listened to WandsworthEye, whose trenchant and stentorian voice has been urging vigilance against LibDem excesses from the very outset."

 

 

Pensioners in peril on 'streets of terror'

Health and safety experts warned last night that frail Wandsworth pensioners would die in their thousands unless LibDem-inspired 'tactile strips' were removed from the borough's pedestrian crossings.  

 

The hated tactile strip at Clapham Junction 

WandsworthEye has long been at the forefront of the campaign against this hated and unnecessarily cumbersome addition to our street furniture. Installed overnight across the borough at the behest of the scheming Liberal Democrats, the costly tactile strips were justified by their proponents on the grounds that they guided pedestrians with diminished sight to safe road crossings. However a storm of protest soon ensued, with angry residents demanding compensation for their damaged footwear. "You only have to walk across one or two of those damned things and even the sturdiest leather brogues will be ruined for evermore," complained Colonel Hartley of the Campaign Against Tactile Terror.

 

 

 

A frail pensioner in danger

 

However the focus of concern was shifting last night to the welfare of the borough's much-loved frail pensioners. Speaking on the margins of an agenda-setting Regional Health & Safety Symposium, cloakroom attendant Chavetta Nkokmah said: "I too am becoming increasingly concerned about the profusion of tactile strips across the borough. It is surely only a matter of time before a vulnerable elderly person trips up on one of these ghastly excrescences and plunges to their death. And when that happens, mark my words, it'll be the Liberal Democrats who are to blame. If only people had listened to the wise words of WandsworthEye instead of to the siren voices of false prophets Clegg and Cable."   

As pensioners trembled in terror and the chorus of disapproval became ever louder this weekend, there were signs that a legal challenge could be mounted against the hated tactile strips. A spokesman for influential campaign group Wandsworth Wimmin raged: "It's all very well having studded pavements for the blind, but what about us wimmin? If Wandsworth Council doesn't immediately install special crossings for lesbians then I'm afraid we shall have to call in our lawyers."     



Fury over LibDem machinations

Wandsworth was in uproar last night as further evidence emerged of heartless LibDem plotting to destroy the borough's cherished public services.

 

Much-loved WandsworthEye has long been subjecting the country's junior coalition partner to especially rigorous scrutiny, fearful of the baneful effects the Liberal Democrats are having on our troubled neighbourhood. In a matter of mere weeks, the unprincipled party of Clegg and Cable were found to be instrumental in a number of cruel local policy decisions including:

• The heartless temporary closure of the Broomhill Road post box;
• Massive funding cuts to the borough's cherished Apostrophe Helpline;
• Complete disregard for the plight of threatened butterflies;
• Persistent inaction in the face of the burgeoning tramp & vagabond crisis;
• Refusal to tackle the National Opera Studio's medieval pigeon plague.

 

And in the latest bombshell to hit Wandsworth, the much-used westbound bus stop at Southside shopping centre has been arbitrarily closed to all services, without a moment's thought for local residents.

The forlorn closed bus stop at Southside

 

The bus stop, a key element of the borough's creaking transport infrastructure, is normally thronged day and night with passengers eager to board the popular 39 bus to Southfields, the 156 to Wimbledon and the N87 "drunkards' express" to Kingston. Its strategic position adjacent to Costa Coffee's unfurled parasols lends it an importance far beyond that of usual run-of-the-mill bus stops. But most crucially of all, the Southside bus stop is just yards away from WandsworthEye HQ - a vital community hub and cherished news service of national and international import.   

 

WandsworthEye can now exclusively reveal that the closure of the Southside bus stop - on spurious "roadworks" grounds - is in fact a cunning ruse by the Liberal Democrats to choke off the floods of visitors to WandsworthEye HQ in Chapel Yard.

 

Nick Clegg ordering the bus stop closure

Grainy pictures have come into the Eye's possession which clearly show LibDem leader Nick Clegg making crafty arrangements for the bus stop to be closed. As the photographer crept up unseen on the Deputy Prime Minister, Clegg was overheard saying: "That'll teach the Eye a lesson! Little do they know how much far-reaching influence I have over bus stops in south-west London! Ha ha ha!"

 

News of the latest LibDem machinations caused a furore in Wandsworth last night, with influential residents demanding the immediate restoration of bus services and a full LibDem apology to WandsworthEye.

 

Clutching her battered tartan shopping trolley, 85-year-old Mabel Gout wept as she said: "How am I supposed to get around as a frail pensioner when they close bus stops of such crucial importance to the local citizenry? It's just typical of the LibDems to close bus stops. I knew nothing good would ever come of letting them into the government." The Liberal Democrats did not return calls last night, but WandsworthEye can assure its phalanx of devoted readers that the battle to reopen this much-loved bus stop will continue with unrelenting vigour.

 

In the meantime, visitors to the Eye HQ in Chapel Yard are urged to alight at Wandsworth Town Hall and walk down the hill. An alternative option is to take the 87 bus to its terminus near the tramps' and vagabonds' bench at All Saints Church.