Sunday, 30 December 2012

Stunning victory for Eye's apostrophe crusade!

Apostrophe watchdogs and other right-minded folk were celebrating on the streets of Wandsworth last night after Southside shopping centre apologised for an apostrophe crime which shook the entire borough to its core. 

In a major victory for WandsworthEye's much-praised crusade against apostrophe misuse, representatives of the glittering shopping emporium acknowledged the widespread pain their grammatical incontinence had induced. And there are now signs that Southside will step up work on the planned new Debenhams department store in the new year as a gesture of contrition.

Southside - scene of a shocking apostrophe crime

The row erupted shortly before Christmas, when ever-vigilant WandsworthEye spotted a heinous apostrophe crime cunningly hidden  away in Southside's corporate Twitter feed. "Who said January's were gloomy?" the shameless mall asked - single-handedly laying waste to decades of hard work by the nation's English teachers.

WandsworthEye immediately sprang into action, denouncing the "imbeciles" responsible for this wanton linguistic vandalism. As fury mounted across the borough, the Eye's injunction went viral and was retweeted twice by its phalanx of devoted followers. And then, in a stunning expression of contrition, Southside's corporate Twitter feed released the following comprehensive statement: "I was only trying to help :-( "

However local apostrophe campaigners were unimpressed. "This kind of behaviour cannot go unpunished," said Chantelle M. of Roehampton Apostrophe Action. "To sprinkle extraneous apostrophes around the borough like confetti is unforgiveable at a time of economic austerity. Moreover research has conclusively found that the overuse of apostrophes is directly linked to global warming. Thank heavens for WandsworthEye, without whom the next generation of children would grow up in ignorance."

Matters finally came to a head when the Eye alluded to Southside's major expansion plans in its next tweet: "@SouthsideSW18 is forgiven its wicked apostrophe crime if it can hurry up and build that snazzy new Debenhams," the borough's consumer champion declared.

And in a major triumph for WandsworthEye, Southside immediately responded: "Leave it with me. I'll see what I can do."

There were scenes of celebration on Garratt Lane last night as jubilant crowds held an impromptu street party in the pouring rain and waited eagerly by the vast construction site for the imminent opening of Wandsworth's lavish new department store. "I thought I'd get here nice and early," explained OAP Ethel Dumpton. "I wonder if they'll stock cat food and custard creams in that posh new Debenhams? I'm only a frail pensioner, I can't afford nuffing else."

As the year drew to a close there were fears, however, that celebrations could be marred by the actions of the hated Apostrophe Liberation Front, who threatened to release apostrophes in random attacks across the borough - even in front of children. "Vigilance must still be the order of the day," warned a source close to WandsworthEye. "Let us all join forces to protect our cherished community against the depredations of apostrophe criminals."

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