Monday, 3 December 2012

Tramps, vagabonds and asylum seekers 'desecrating Christmas tree'

At this joyous time of year, cherubs' faces light up when they pass the resplendent Christmas tree on Wandsworth High Street. Visitors from far and wide flock to SW18 to admire the lavishly decorated fir, bedecked with a veritable cascade of glittering lights. But fears were rising last night that this much-loved festive fixture could fall victim to the cunning depredations of tramps, vagabonds and even asylum-seekers.

The Yuletide tree in all its splendour
The lovely tree, clearly visible from WandsworthEye HQ high above the rooftops of southwest London, was erected over the weekend as wintry weather held sway across the borough. Lusty carol-singing could be heard from adjacent All Saints Church. However just a stone's throw away lie the notorious tramps' and vagabonds' benches where - on sunny days - cider-swigging gentlemen of a certain age can be seen holding court. "It's only a matter of time before they lay waste to the Christmas tree," warned one source close to the Wandsworth branch of UKIP. "In fact I'm sure I already saw them plundering the branches of baubles, in connivance with escaped detained asylum-seekers." 

'Only a matter of time' before T&V raid

Colonel Hartley of Tunbridge Wells, currently holidaying in the borough, remarked: "What a splendid tree. But I would caution against placing it in such close proximity to known centres of T&V activity. People of their ilk are unlikely to leave this festive treat unscathed. Moreover, the Christmas tree is so easily reached from sinister Roehampton on the 170 bus. Tracksuit-wearing single mothers will soon be ravaging the tree, snatching trinkets off the branches to exchange for sordid cigarettes and lottery tickets. Ugh."

There was general agreement last night on the streets of Wandsworth that the much-loved Christmas tree would soon be damaged beyond repair. "Astonishing, this moral collapse since the Liberal Democrats got into power," commented Reverend Benny Savile of the Anti-Lust Alliance. "If only people had listened to WandsworthEye, whose trenchant commentaries are proving ever more timely."  

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