'Black magic' coffee bar stokes fears of satanic rituals

Residents of Chapel Yard fled their neighbourhood in terror last night as rumours circulated that the new Black Chapel espresso bar was merely a cunning front for 'secret satanic rituals'. 

The imminent opening of the swanky new coffee outlet has been welcomed by long-standing opponents of Costa, just a stone's throw across the road. But some concerned locals said the 'sinister' signage recalled the very worst atrocities of 1980s TV favourite "Hammer House of Horror". 

Millicent Bumbleberry of Wandsworth Age Concern said: "My grandchildren burst into tears every time we walk past on our way to Waitrose. We have to make a big detour now and go past all the horrid chicken nugget shops on the High Street."

The 'sinister' new coffee bar in the heart of Chapel Yard

Amid frightened talk of 'black magic' practices including the sacrifice of severed goats' heads and the drinking of Asda Smart Price vodka, religious leaders appealed for calm and urged the community to remain steadfast in its prayers. The Reverend Benny Savile, chairman of the Anti-Lust Alliance, said: "We don't want any Sexpresso bars in our community, thank you very much. I shall be writing to UKIP and the Daily Mail to alert them to this latest threat to traditional family values in the heart of Tory-controlled Wandsworth."

Fears of sorcery in SW18

Frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton was also unambiguous in her opposition to the new coffee emporium. "I'd never be able to afford one of them posh coffees on me state pension," she complained. "Not after I've spent most of it on cat food and custard creams at the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's."

But housewife Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe ran to the defence of the Black Chapel espresso entrepreneurs. "I am one of many residents who have the misfortune to dwell above a chicken shop," she explained. "And I am firmly of the belief that this lavish new coffee bar presages an exciting new era for Chapel Yard, in which tracksuit-wearing chicken nugget-eating chavs will be banished for evermore. Hurrah for Black Chapel! All we need now is a little boutique branch of Harvey Nicks, a Gail's bakery and half a dozen estate agents, and Wandsworth truly will be coming up in the world!"

Illegal Scottish migrants 'already flooding the borough'

Wandsworth Council went into emergency session last night as reports came in of illegal Scottish migrants flocking to the Brighter Borough in search of work, shelter and safety. With just days to go till the disputed referendum, Scots were fleeing across the border in their dozens, in a desperate bid to escape the clutches of hated separatist leader Aleksandr Salmondov and his ruthless deputy Nicola Sturzhonova.

"The referendum is just a ploy to annexe Scotland to eastern Ukraine," explained one destitute asylum seeker as he tucked into a box of fried chicken on Wandsworth High Street. "We'll just be a wee little colony ruled from Donetsk. Aye, that we will."   

Hated Scottish rebel leader Aleksandr Salmondov

As community leaders appealed for calm, council officials rushed to set up refugee camps in King George's Park. Charities appealed for donations of deep-fried Mars bars and cans of triple-strength lager to make the newcomers feel at home. "The situation is heartbreaking," said Bertram Crudd, Deputy Stakeholder Engagement Officer at Wandsworth Council. "Many of the new arrivals don't speak English and there's very little hope of them ever integrating into society."

  

Illegal Scottish migrants arriving in Wandsworth

Fears were also rising last night that the flood of migrants could spread deadly viruses such as Ebola throughout the borough, even in plusher areas such as Bellevue Road and Nightingale Lane. "We urge all Wandsworth residents to remain calm but vigilant," said Dr Maurice Elzheimer of South West London NHS Foundation Trust In Association With Vodafone. "If you see any Scottish people coughing, quickly return home, draw the curtains and inform the authorities. Safety is paramount." 

Treacherous Post Office slammed over move to 'manky' Ram Street

Wandsworth Post Office bosses were slammed last night after sharp-eyed residents uncovered a top-secret plan to abandon their much-loved High Street branch and relocate miles away to the crime-ridden junction with down-at-heel Ram Street.

News of the cunning move only came to light when a sign the size of a postage stamp appeared in the window of the High Street outlet on the day England crashed humiliatingly out of the World Cup. "With attention focused elsewhere, this was evidently deemed a good day to bury bad news," commented top media analyst Ruperta Muerre-Doque. 

News seeps out of the Post Office's cruel plan

Pensioners' representatives were at the forefront of a public outcry, voicing fears that frail elderly folk would struggle to find their way to the remote new branch. Millicent Bumbleberry of Wandsworth Pensioners in Peril (WPiP) stormed: "This is outrageous. The new branch is over a hundred metres away on the other side of a busy main road. Old folk will get mown down as they try to cross in their mobility scooters. I blame the Liberal Democrats for this - you mark my words, they'll get their comeuppance at the general election."

The new branch on 'grim and menacing' Ram Street

Tourism chiefs were also trembling with rage. "What kind of message does this send out to the waves of international visitors now flocking to the borough after the opening of Premier Inn on Garratt Lane?" asked one travel industry bigwig. "How can we expect French, German and Italian tourists to make their way to grim, menacing Ram Street to buy their postage stamps? They will all get stabbed by chicken nugget-eating hoodlums." 

Last night there were mounting calls for a trenchant and merciless intervention by WandsworthEye. But in a statement, Eye HQ said: "Unfortunately there is no time to deal with this issue as all attention must now be focused on the forthcoming All-Iberian Apostrophe Congress. In the Eye's absence, please forward all enquiries to the Deputy Eye, the Assistant Deputy Eye, the Eye Spokesperson on Health, Social Care & Women's Issues, or the Eye Political Consultant."

As the borough's inhabitants prepared to bid WandsworthEye a tearful farewell at Gatwick airport, frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer could be seen wandering forlornly up and down Wandsworth High Street in search of the new Post Office. "Where am I gonna get me ration coupons now?" she cried in despair. "It's just like the war, when the Liberals were last in power..."

Package holiday boom turns Wandsworth into 'new Costa Brava'

Wandsworth's fledgling tourism sector looked set for explosive growth last night as industry bigwigs predicted that the opening of the new Premier Inn on Garratt Lane would usher in a package holiday boom in SW18.

As leading tour operators scrambled to include Wandsworth's latest luxury hotel in their Summer 2014 brochures, there was talk of the Brighter Borough taking its proud place among the world's No.1 holiday hotspots.

"Mark my words," said one source close to Wandsworth Council. "Premier Inn's prescient decision to expand its 5-star offering in southwest London means the big times are coming for our much-loved neighbourhood." He predicted: "They'll call it the Costa Wandla."

The lavishly appointed new Premier Inn

Glamorous socialite Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest watched approvingly as workmen put the final touches to Wandsworth's new luxury hotel complex. "I stayed at the Battersea Travelodge the other night," she said, wrinkling her nose, "and it was bloody awful. But a Premier Inn is in a different category altogether. And no wonder it's been built on well-to-do Garratt Lane. They'd never have put it among the manky chicken shops on the High Street."

Tourism officials also rubbed their hands in glee as they looked forward to years of bounty in the borough. Unveiling plans for a proposed Wandle Beach to complement the new hotel facility, the Chief Executive of VisitBritain said: "There's so much for holidaymakers to do in Wandsworth, even before the beach is completed. Families might enjoy a meal at Nando's in Southside shopping centre, for example. Or perhaps they could pay a visit to the newly-expanded Notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's. But do be careful when using the perilous escalator - and don't forget to hold the handrail at all times." 

Artist's impression of proposed Wandle Beach

Eye/UKIP coalition will save borough from the abyss

There was growing clamour last night for WandsworthEye and much-loved UKIP to forge an historic coalition to save the borough from Ukrainian-style chaos after the disputed May 22 council elections.

Much-loved UKIP poster

With the ruling Conservative group's wafer-thin 40-seat majority on Wandsworth council now under serious threat, community leaders voiced fears that marauding gangs from down-at-heel Roehampton and Tooting could cunningly use post-election uncertainty as a cover to launch daring raids in more prestigious parts of the borough.

Bertram Crudd, chairman of the South-West London Civil Resilience Committee, said: "With WandsworthEye currently attending the crucial Fuerteventura Apostrophe Congress, there is much potential for disorder on the borough's plusher streets such as Chapel Yard."

Eye at 'crucial' Fuerteventura congress 

But in a statement issued last night from Temporary Eye HQ in Corralejo, the much-loved Sentinel of SW18 explained:

"Clearly the enemies of order will be plotting relentless mayhem during the Eye's absence. But fear not. The resolute Deputy Eye and ever-faithful Assistant Deputy Eye are both keeping rigorous watch over the borough until Election Day. 

"Meanwhile, secret negotiations with top-level representatives from UKIP are approaching a successful conclusion and all is now in place for an historic Eye/UKIP coalition to save the borough from the abyss.

"Both parties are united in the firm, unwavering belief that hard-pressed council taxpayers' money must no longer be frittered away on frivolous politically-correct fripperies such as lesbian playgroups and the like. 

"And above all, WandsworthEye and UKIP are the only forces resisting the devious machinations of the treacherous East Wandsworth separatists, who are intent upon rule by loony leftwing Lambeth."

Ukraine crisis spreads to Wandsworth

• UN Security Council 'in emergency session'
• Reports of street fighting across Roehampton
• Garratt Lane Sainsbury's 'running out of baked beans'

In a dramatic escalation of the Ukraine crisis, there were reports last night of pro-Russian separatists storming community buildings in outlying districts of Wandsworth, close to the much-loved borough's disputed borders with Lambeth, Merton and Richmond. The UN Security Council was said to be 'in emergency session' as world leaders including Barack Obama, Angela Merkel and WandsworthEye appealed for calm. But President Putin condemned preparations for the borough council elections on May 22 as "a farce" and vowed he would not hesitate to step in to protect Russia's interests if LibDem supporters were prevented from casting their vote.    

Pro-Russian militiamen marching through the streets of Roehampton

Observers on the ground said the crisis reached Wandsworth late on Friday night after drunken youths ransacked a chicken nugget shop on Roehampton's plush main shopping parade. "The owner picked up the phone and called Moscow, and minutes later burly men clad in combat gear and balaclavas appeared on the streets with sub-machine guns," explained one local. Shortly afterwards the JobCentre, housing benefit office and headquarters of Roehampton UKIP were stormed by pro-Russian separatists. "It were pandemonium," said frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton as she peeped nervously through her net curtains. "I'll never get out now to buy me cat food and custard creams."

Harrowing scenes of devastation at Tooting Broadway

Within hours the street-fighting had spread to other less salubrious parts of the borough, including North Battersea and Tooting Broadway. Residents in the more upmarket Wandsworth Town area flocked to the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's to stock up on emergency provisions. "We well remember the Eye's wise advice during the height of last year's terrifying North Korean crisis," said housewife Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, clutching a basket of tinned tuna and toilet tissue. "With those horrid Russians running amok throughout the borough it is best to be prepared for all eventualities."  

President Putin directs operations in SW18 from his Moscow lair

As fearful residents rushed to their bunkers, WandsworthEye's Government-in-waiting met at Eye HQ in Chapel Yard for top-level discussions. In a statement issued late last night, the much-loved community watchdog and Sentinel of SW18 said: "The Eye, the Deputy Eye, the Assistant Deputy Eye, the Eye Political Consultant and Eye Spokesperson for Women's Issues demand the immediate removal of Russian troops from the streets of Tooting, though they are perfectly welcome to maintain order in Roehampton. In fact, Russia can just have Roehampton. Would Moscow like a generous IMF loan to help finance its occupation? All can be arranged." 

Residents praise 'thoughtful, selfless' Santander

Wandsworth residents were celebrating last night after Santander's newly opened High Street branch promised to continue dumping vast containers of rancid rubbish behind the bank on Chapel Yard.

Santander's much-praised Wandsworth branch

The much-loved financial institution's arrival in the borough earlier this year was heralded as a sign that Wandsworth would soon be rivalling the City of London and Canary Wharf in terms of financial prowess. Smart young men in pin-striped suits were seen marching to work every morning, and later quaffing costly glasses of champagne in the exclusive Spread Eagle pub as they celebrated their six-figure bonuses.

And in an indication that Santander had only the community's very best interests at heart, the bank started to leave enormous overflowing containers of rubbish from the branch in Chapel Yard, just a stone's throw from Eye HQ in the very heart of the borough.

Santander rubbish 'attractively displayed'

Ungrateful local residents who asked Santander to remove the filthy mess next to their homes were rewarded with a special handwritten card from Branch Manager Sandra Hart, who spoke of her deep sorrow at the negative reaction to the bank's "wast bins" in Chapel Yard.

Deep sorrow over wast bins

But frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer was the embarrassed victim of a misunderstanding as she hobbled into the branch to complain. "I almost fell over them bins as I was on me way to buy cat food and custard creams from Frobisher's Grocery Emporium," she explained. "So I went in the bank and gave 'em a right telling off. But imagine how shame-faced I was when the kindly manager told me them bins was a display of trendy modern art, generously sponsored by Santander."

Last night community figures were queuing up to praise Santander's thoughtful, selfless deeds. Octavia Belle-Wether, chair of the Pretty Wandsworth Committee, said: "These installations may look like great big piles of rotting rubbish to ordinary folk, but you and I know that what we have here is something to rival the Bankside Tate, the Guggenheim and even - dare I say it - the touching displays of children's artwork at Southside Shopping Centre. Hurrah for Santander for beautifying this once grim, menacing neighbourhood."

A source close to Santander explained that the bank was keen to give something back to the community among whom it toiled. "Our managers have similar art installations in their gardens," she explained. "We really felt it was unfair for high-flying Santander executives such as Ms Hart to live in leafy luxury, while inner city folk were doomed to dwell among discarded chicken nugget cartons and the like." 

A typical Santander manager's back garden 

WANDSWORTH'S FIG ROLL FURY

There was outrage on the streets of Wandsworth last night as angry residents demanded that the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's rescind a brutal 9.1% hike in the price of own-brand fig rolls. The much-loved teatime treats, which had been on sale for 55p a packet, now cost an astonishing 60p, putting them well beyond the meagre budgets of frugal pensioners.

"For many vulnerable OAPs, this will be the final blow," warned Millicent Bumbleberry of Wandsworth Age Concern. "Their choice is now a bleak but simple one: to eat fig rolls, or to heat their homes. They can no longer do both at these hyperinflationary prices."

Sainsbury's much-loved teatime treats 'now too costly for pensioners'

Kindly WandsworthEye, always a doughty champion of consumer rights, intervened at an early stage in the burgeoning controversy. But to no avail. A Sainsbury's minion writing under the pseudonym "Natalie" callously brushed aside the Eye's concerns and instead referred the influential community leader to a dreary page of corporate propaganda.

Callous "Natalie" of Sainsbury's breezily brushes aside the Eye's concerns

A spokesman for WandsworthEye commented: "The notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's has already provoked the ire of the neighbourhood on more than one occasion. First it was Soviet-style empty shelves over Christmas, then the introduction of demented escalator safety announcements, and now Weimar Republic-style fig roll prices. Truly there is no end to their devious machinations." 

A source close to Sainsbury's was quoted last night suggesting that thrifty pensioners could purchase cheaper own-brand custard creams instead. "Much better for the digestion," the insider revealed. 

Messy Bulgarian gypsies 'already causing mayhem in Wandsworth'

There were mounting fears of mayhem on the streets of Wandsworth tonight as reports came in of the first Bulgarian and Romanian gypsies arriving in the borough. According to well-placed sources, "at least half a dozen" greedy eastern Europeans were spotted landing at Luton airport this morning with suitcases stuffed full of severed goats' heads and lucky heather. "There's no doubt at all that some of them could potentially be heading for Wandsworth High Street," said a Daily Express journalist as he carefully prepared his calm, measured, non-judgmental report for tomorrow's Special Souvenir Edition. "In no time at all, messy Bulgarian gypsies will be taking all our jobs, claiming every last penny of our benefits, and causing house prices to plummet and frail elderly people to have fatal heart attacks. And they'll drop litter everywhere too."

A typical Bulgarian gypsy threatens families on Wandsworth High Street

Here in Wandsworth, fearful residents barricaded themselves into their homes as word came of the first Bulgarian crones to set foot in the once respectable streets of SW18. "I definitely saw one just get off the 170 bus," said Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above one of the borough's better chicken shops. "She was speaking in a strange foreign accent, but I'm sure I heard her mutter under her breath that she was determined to ruthlessly milk the UK benefits system, have lots of elective surgery at NHS hospitals and keep smelly animals in her back yard to the consternation of all her neighbours. Oh WandsworthEye, what shall we do?"

Litter 'bound to have been dropped by foreigners'

As fears rose of apocalyptic community meltdown, local religious leaders pleaded for calm. The Reverend Benny Savile, chairman of the Anti-Lust Alliance, said: "Despite the severed goats' heads and the lucky heather, these poor people are just like you and me. Let us all welcome them into the bosom of our community. Take your lead from WandsworthEye, whose tweets have long been famed for their wisdom and tolerance."

Frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer reminisced: "It's just like the war, when all them Huguenots came over from Switzerland. I remember it like it were yesterday. William Gladstone was Queen, and custard creams cost thruppence ha'penny a baker's dozen in Frobisher's Grocery Emporium. Now they're £10.99 a packet at the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's. Eee, I don't know how I cope on me pension anymore..."