Eye/UKIP coalition will save borough from the abyss

There was growing clamour last night for WandsworthEye and much-loved UKIP to forge an historic coalition to save the borough from Ukrainian-style chaos after the disputed May 22 council elections.

Much-loved UKIP poster

With the ruling Conservative group's wafer-thin 40-seat majority on Wandsworth council now under serious threat, community leaders voiced fears that marauding gangs from down-at-heel Roehampton and Tooting could cunningly use post-election uncertainty as a cover to launch daring raids in more prestigious parts of the borough.

Bertram Crudd, chairman of the South-West London Civil Resilience Committee, said: "With WandsworthEye currently attending the crucial Fuerteventura Apostrophe Congress, there is much potential for disorder on the borough's plusher streets such as Chapel Yard."

Eye at 'crucial' Fuerteventura congress 

But in a statement issued last night from Temporary Eye HQ in Corralejo, the much-loved Sentinel of SW18 explained:

"Clearly the enemies of order will be plotting relentless mayhem during the Eye's absence. But fear not. The resolute Deputy Eye and ever-faithful Assistant Deputy Eye are both keeping rigorous watch over the borough until Election Day. 

"Meanwhile, secret negotiations with top-level representatives from UKIP are approaching a successful conclusion and all is now in place for an historic Eye/UKIP coalition to save the borough from the abyss.

"Both parties are united in the firm, unwavering belief that hard-pressed council taxpayers' money must no longer be frittered away on frivolous politically-correct fripperies such as lesbian playgroups and the like. 

"And above all, WandsworthEye and UKIP are the only forces resisting the devious machinations of the treacherous East Wandsworth separatists, who are intent upon rule by loony leftwing Lambeth."

Ukraine crisis spreads to Wandsworth

• UN Security Council 'in emergency session'
• Reports of street fighting across Roehampton
• Garratt Lane Sainsbury's 'running out of baked beans'

In a dramatic escalation of the Ukraine crisis, there were reports last night of pro-Russian separatists storming community buildings in outlying districts of Wandsworth, close to the much-loved borough's disputed borders with Lambeth, Merton and Richmond. The UN Security Council was said to be 'in emergency session' as world leaders including Barack Obama, Angela Merkel and WandsworthEye appealed for calm. But President Putin condemned preparations for the borough council elections on May 22 as "a farce" and vowed he would not hesitate to step in to protect Russia's interests if LibDem supporters were prevented from casting their vote.    

Pro-Russian militiamen marching through the streets of Roehampton

Observers on the ground said the crisis reached Wandsworth late on Friday night after drunken youths ransacked a chicken nugget shop on Roehampton's plush main shopping parade. "The owner picked up the phone and called Moscow, and minutes later burly men clad in combat gear and balaclavas appeared on the streets with sub-machine guns," explained one local. Shortly afterwards the JobCentre, housing benefit office and headquarters of Roehampton UKIP were stormed by pro-Russian separatists. "It were pandemonium," said frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton as she peeped nervously through her net curtains. "I'll never get out now to buy me cat food and custard creams."

Harrowing scenes of devastation at Tooting Broadway

Within hours the street-fighting had spread to other less salubrious parts of the borough, including North Battersea and Tooting Broadway. Residents in the more upmarket Wandsworth Town area flocked to the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's to stock up on emergency provisions. "We well remember the Eye's wise advice during the height of last year's terrifying North Korean crisis," said housewife Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, clutching a basket of tinned tuna and toilet tissue. "With those horrid Russians running amok throughout the borough it is best to be prepared for all eventualities."  

President Putin directs operations in SW18 from his Moscow lair

As fearful residents rushed to their bunkers, WandsworthEye's Government-in-waiting met at Eye HQ in Chapel Yard for top-level discussions. In a statement issued late last night, the much-loved community watchdog and Sentinel of SW18 said: "The Eye, the Deputy Eye, the Assistant Deputy Eye, the Eye Political Consultant and Eye Spokesperson for Women's Issues demand the immediate removal of Russian troops from the streets of Tooting, though they are perfectly welcome to maintain order in Roehampton. In fact, Russia can just have Roehampton. Would Moscow like a generous IMF loan to help finance its occupation? All can be arranged."