Non-stop Tube announcements 'are so handy'

Regular users of the District Line were overjoyed last night as a London Underground source confirmed the roll-out of a popular new policy under which maximum-volume announcements will be made non-stop on all tube trains and at all tube stations. "Not everyone has a smartphone to play with on long, tedious journeys," the source explained. "So with immediate effect, all tube drivers have been instructed to make long-winded announcements in a grating Estuary accent for the entire duration of every journey." He added: "Station staff will do their bit too, perpetually advising passengers that the train calls at all stations to Upminster, to board the train by all available doors, and to move right down the carriage."

Tube doors 'so confusing', say passengers

Wandsworth commuters welcomed the new policy last night and said they could not wait for their next tube journey. "This will be so handy for when I pop down to Harvey Nicks," explained glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette. "I always used to worry in case the tube only stopped at every fifth station and I might inadvertently end up somewhere manky like Dagenham. But now I'll know for sure that the train will call at all stations, thanks to these helpful and timely announcements."

Admin assistant Chavetta Nkokmah, who spends most of her daily journey to Cannon Street painting her two-inch-long fingernails, was relieved at the prospect of greater clarity surrounding the boarding of crowded tube trains. "Used to be so confusin, yeah. Never knew what door to get on the train, yeah. Now is gonna be announcements, yeah. Gonna tellin us we can get on the train usin every door, yeah."

WandsworthEye can exclusively reveal that District Line tube drivers have been issued with standard scripts to read out during the long journey from Wimbledon to Upminster. A leaked extract of the Customer Reassurance Announcement Policy recommends that drivers turn the public address system up to maximum volume and then repeat the following on an endless loop:

"This is your District Loin trine to Upminster callin at aw stations to Upminster. Moind the gap between the troin and the platfowm. A good service is runnin on aw ovver loins. Once again loidies an gentlemen, please move roit daaan the carriages an bowd the troin usin aw avaiabaw doors. Moind the gap. We've stopped at a red signaw an we should be movin shawtly."

As spontaneous cheering broke out among delighted passengers, London Underground's executive in charge of the new policy explained: "The roll-out of CRAP shows we are absolutely clear about delivering for stakeholders going forward." 

Frail pensioners 'confused' over two new post offices

Celebrations were held across the borough last night as the hated Post Office on Garratt Lane was boarded up in preparation for the final stage of redevelopment at Southside shopping centre. A glittering new Debenhams department store will now rise above the forlorn Arndale Walk where drug addicts and single mothers once congregated, and lavishly-appointed new post offices are opening on Monday at Southside and on the High Street - just a stone's throw from WandsworthEye HQ.

The vast new post office at Southside shopping centre

The far-reaching changes have been broadly welcomed across the community. Glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette said: "Thank God I no longer have to walk past the surly, sullen youths on Garratt Lane when I want to buy some pretty stamps for my handwritten epistles. It's disgusting the way they sit on their poxy bikes with their pants hanging out and their bums showing. Ugh."

High street branch 'handy for the chicken shop'

Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above one of the borough's better chicken shops, was particularly thrilled about the new post office on Wandsworth High Street. "I'm a little concerned about its proximity to the notorious tramps' and vagabonds' bench across the road," she conceded, "but on the whole this is a positive move for the community. And so handy for people visiting Dallas Chicken & Ribs, which is right next door."

Staff at Dallas were elated that the prestigious Post Office had decided to open a branch adjacent to their already much-loved food emporium. A source close to the management said the restaurant was already working on special pensioners' meals to appeal to the post office's core clientele. Custard-cream fritters and cat-food-coated chicken nuggets are "in the early stages of development", the source indicated.

However frail pensioners were confused last night about the complex arrangements at Wandsworth's two new post office branches. "Where do we go to get our ration books now?" asked Ethel Dumpton as she stood perplexed outside the boarded-up Garratt Lane branch. Her friend Mabel Drearie raged: "I'm not going anywhere near them tramps and vagabonds on the High Street. And that new post office in Southside is far too posh for the likes of me. I'll just have to starve now that I can't get me pension."

WandsworthEye will be rigorously monitoring developments all week via webcam from the Bohemian Apostrophe Congress, which begins on Monday night.  

Ugly council flats 'should be bulldozed down'

Calls were mounting last night for the high-rise council flats above Southside shopping centre to be razed to the ground. Residents from across central Wandsworth pleaded with the council to expunge the unsightly eyesore from its prominent site towering over the neighbourhood. 

The unsightly council block looms over Wandsworth

The controversial edifice was erected many decades ago, in a now almost forgotten era of wanton profligacy and leftwing social engineering. Constructed using the costliest, most sumptuous building materials, the towering monstrosity was soon chock-full of lottery winners, single mothers and tearaway children. "I remember when it was brand spanking new," reminisced frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton. "Mr Gladstone himself came to cut the ribbon, accompanied by his wife Queen Victoria."   

Artist's impression of the site post-demolition

However in recent years a growing coalition of angry local residents has been lobbying to have the hated carbuncle removed from its looming position in the heart of our treasured borough. Leading campaigner Selfridgia Aliceband explained: "It's all very well having a Sabichi and a Waitrose in the shopping mall, but a block crammed full of council people really lowers the tone of the neighbourhood. It should be bulldozed down forthwith."

Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above one of the more exclusive chicken shops on Wandsworth High Street, wholeheartedly agreed. "Only the other day my neighhour's darling little son, Mungo Parker-Bicyclette, was beaten up by yobbos from the council flats as he rode to prep school. We really ought to put these people somewhere else - for example, in Swansea or in Kettering."

Last night architects were preparing a blueprint for the future of the disputed site. One option, pictured above, involves the complete bulldozing of the 24-storey tower and its transformation into a privately-run tourist attraction provisionally called The Council Flat Experience. 

Other possibilities floated by developers include the construction of a high-security prison for violent, dangerous Liberal Democrats. "We really can't have them running around in the community any longer," explained one source close to the authorities. "The sooner all remaining LibDems are locked up the better. Thank goodness for trenchant local news blog WandsworthEye, without whom the wicked machinations of the junior coalition partner would go unpunished."

Flip-flop-wearing LibDems 'bring shame on the borough'

Wandsworth's hard-earned reputation as a centre of fashion second only to Milan and Chigwell took a severe knock today as the sunshine tempted men onto the borough's streets in flimsy, frivolous flip-flops.

Hairy toes, pasty legs and unattractive bunions were on full display as Wandsworth's once stylish male inhabitants threw caution to the wind and donned foolishly inappropriate beachwear as they went about their daily business.

Inappropriate beachwear on the streets of southwest London

"Liberal Democrats in particular tend to favour this disastrous look," commented glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette, who first came to prominence as a fashion adviser to Ann Widdecombe. "But now even the tramps and vagabonds wear them," she said. "One simply despairs."

'Bring back standards of decency and decorum!'

Frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton  was also full of trenchant criticism, raging: "It was never like this during the war. People had standards of decency and decorum then. Oh, bring back the days when Gladstone and Mrs Thatcher ruled - you would never have had people in flip-flops then."

There were calls last night for the police to forbid the wearing of sandals, flip-flops and other unappealing footwear on the streets of SW18. Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above a chicken shop on Wandsworth High Street, heartily agreed. "Imagine all the squelchy things that get caught between their toes as the LibDem flip-flop-wearers promenade up and down the major thoroughfares," she said, shuddering. 

'Tread on their toes! That'll serve them right!'

"Bits of discarded fried chicken; slowly coagulating piles of vomit outside the Grand Union; pigeon droppings from the National Opera Studio; mank and detritus strewn across the neighbourhood by shameless tramps and vagabonds. How filthy those benighted people's feet must be!"

As WandsworthEye led the campaign to ban all frivolous beachwear from the streets of our beloved municipality, unrepentant flip-flop-wearer Ronaldo Mincing-Bottomley vowed: "I shall take this matter to the European Court of Human Rights without further ado."

WandsworthEye hereby calls on all right-thinking citizens to deliberately tread on the toes of urban flip-flop-wearers until they cease their wanton, wicked ways. Long live modest apparel!

Wandsworth's voice 'must be heard' at Fuerteventura apostrophe talks

There were calls last night for the Wandsworth delegation to take an uncompromisingly hard line at the Fuerteventura Apostrophe Congress, due to start this Wednesday. Ahead of the global talks, widely hailed as 'crucial', Eye HQ has been deluged with messages of support from its phalanx of devoted followers. 

"Voice of Wandsworth must be heard roud and crear at clitical summit on Fuerteventura irand," said world-renowned apostrophe expert Professor Wu'u-p'ing O'oo, who is to be a keynote speaker at the prestigious congress. "All light finking people appraud varriant efforts of grobal readers to bling end to apostlophe viorence!"

Fuerteventura: venue for this week's global apostrophe congress

Frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton of SW18 agreed wholewheartedly. "Forget the humanitarian catastrophe in Syria, the threat of nuclear war on the Korean peninsula and the devious machinations of the Liberal Democrats," she advised. "Issue number one for struggling pensioners is the relentless march of apostrophe criminals throughout the land. There must be a concerted global effort to round them all up and send them to prison - along, of course, with any last remaining LibDem MPs. Oh WandsworthEye, you are in all our thoughts as you take upon yourself this arduous journey across the seas. God speed, and farewell!"  

Delegates are already assembling for the 'crucial' talks

WandsworthEye moved to reassure its eager followers last night that its award-winning Tramp and Vagabond Monitoring Service would continue even from afar. A spokesman for the much-loved community news portal said: "The Eye will continue to pay close attention to events in our cherished neighbourhood, despite the pressures of work at the dreary Fuerteventura Apostrophe Congress. Let reckless elements in our community be warned: the Eye will be watching you, even from distant lands!"

Stylish Wandsworth 'is the new Belgravia', socialites agree

There were scenes of rejoicing on the streets of Wandsworth last night as well-heeled local residents flocked eagerly to stylish new eateries Wagamama and Rossopomodoro, which have finally opened their doors to hungry customers. Queues stretched for miles down formerly dreary Garratt Lane, almost reaching the outskirts of Earlsfield, as scrubbed and perfumed middle-class professionals assembled in their thousands to enjoy a splendid feast after years of having to make do with smelly kebabs and chicken nuggets. 

Wandsworth's stylish new restaurant emporium

WandsworthEye has previously reported in some detail on the endless rows of nauseating underclass fast-food establishments which line the once thriving High Street. Indeed, scarcely an hour goes by without a sodden fried chicken carton being dropped outside Eye HQ by wicked yobby elements. The Eye is watching these activities very carefully and will press for the harshest punishment at the appropriate juncture. 

Now, however, Wandsworth finally has a parade of restaurants more suited to the tastes of respectable, professional people with jobs and regular incomes. No wonder, then, that top of the guest list for this week's launch party were the much-loved trio of glamorous socialites Tamara Parker-Bicyclette, Octavia Belle-Wether and Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest.

Wandsworth 'just like Belgravia now'

"This is the turning point," exclaimed Tamara P-B. "Wandsworth is now the new Belgravia. No longer will I be ashamed to bring my Chelsea friends across the river. Garratt Lane is the place to be!" 

Even an apostrophe in the right place!

There was even talk last night of a new reality TV series being filmed in our vibrant neighbourhood. According to one industry source, the working title for the programme is The Only Way Is Wandsworth. 

Best of all, the stunning new eateries appear to be observing a strict door policy - turning away tramps, vagabonds and habitual tracksuit-wearers from the premises.

Responding to a query from WandsworthEye, Rossopomodoro tweeted: 

 

ROSSOPOMODORO‏@RossopomodoroUK

@WandsworthEye our customers have been lovely, not seen a tracksuit yet!

Council slammed over 'indolent' litter sweepers

With the Chapel Yard litter crisis now well into its second week, WandsworthEye has written to Wandsworth Council demanding immediate action to deal with the unfolding environmental catastrophe. Here is a copy of an email sent today (18/04/13) to the Town Hall's Waste Services department. Once again, the Eye is standing up for our treasured local community. 

Dear Ms Arnell,

Thank you for replying to my email about the uncleared rubbish on Chapel Yard, which is now festering away for the second week running, prompting much interest from local pigeonry. Bags stuffed with bread rolls, sundry empty bottles, shards of menacing-looking glass and many other random items still remain strewn across the yard and are blown over to busy Buckhold Road with every gust of wind. A wonderful sight in central Wandsworth, a mere stone's throw away from newly regenerated Southside shopping centre!

I am utterly exasperated at the buck-passing I have encountered when raising this issue. Property managers Houston Lawrence insist that the passageway linking Chapel Yard and Buckhold Road is Wandsworth Council's responsibility. Tesco, whose High Street Express store backs onto the yard, are adamant the rubbish is nothing to do with them. And now you tell me that the Council itself will do nothing to address the problem because it is private land.

I am attaching three further photographs, taken just one hour ago at 16.15 on 18/04/13, which clearly show a green Wandsworth Council street-sweeping bin parked indolently next to the piles of rotting refuse. Shortly after I took the pictures, a uniformed employee sauntered up to the bin and wheeled it away without lifting a single lazy finger to deal with the yucky manky rubbish which has been blighting this neighbourhood for a fortnight now. It would have taken him maybe 2 minutes to transfer it to his empty bin. But no, he walked away.

In a week where the greatest peacetime Prime Minister of the 20th century has been buried with full military honours, we would do well to remember the way Baroness Thatcher tackled the ugly "jobsworth" culture in our public services. I fully accept that there are unresolved ownership issues surrounding Chapel Yard, with much of the site on private land. However it is literally a stone's throw from the very centre of Wandsworth Town, and I would have hoped that the Council would take some interest in the overall welfare and appearance of this flagship part of the borough. It can be in no one's interests to have flocks of greedy pigeons pecking away incessantly at piles of rancid rubbish, just yards away from key public buildings.

I therefore appeal to you to have this sorted with the utmost urgency. I have already highlighted the issue on Twitter, and am posting a copy of this email on the influential WandsworthEye news blog, which has attracted a national and international readership following its trenchant pursuit of key local issues.

If nothing is done to resolve this neighbourhood crisis, I shall also be contacting the local press and my MP Justine Greening, who I know takes a very dim view of poor standards in public services.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards,

WandsworthEye